"But Mom. What will my friends think?"
"This has nothing to do with your friends, young lady. You didn't keep your promise to me. Besides, your grandmother will be here this weekend."
"Awww. I don't like that Grandma."
"Elizabeth Rose Oliver, don't you say that. She's your dad's mother. Grandparents deserve respect."
"Then they should treat their grandchildren with respect! I don't like it when she tells me I'm fat. When I was little, she pinched my cheeks and told me, 'Those chubby little cheeks are so cute, I just want to grab them'. It hurt when she did that. She has chubby cheeks, but I don't want to grab them or pinch them."
"Elizabeth! Stop it. That's unkind and disrespectful! Your grandma comes from that era. Cut her a little slack."
"But Mom! Why don't you cut her some slack? You're my mom. Besides, you never stand up for me. I'm your flesh and blood, yet you take her side every single time."
"Elizabeth. Stop whining. I demand respect when you talk to me. And look at me when I talk to you! Don't you dare go stomping off to your room! At sixteen, I expect more from you. You're the oldest. In a couple of years, you'll be on your own. You have to set a good example for your brothers."
"Oh wow! Ya. Right. Set a good example for my brothers. They do no wrong in your eyes. You're always bragging about them. That's all I ever hear. Samuel this. Samson that. Just because they're identical twins, they get away with everything! Just because they're tall, blonde, athletic and get the best grades. You aren't half as hard on them as you are on me. It's so stupid that you called them Samuel and Samson. Just because they look alike. They got Dad's genes. Tall and slender. I look like you â?" short and dumpy."
"Douglas. Are you going to let our daughter speak to me like that?"
"Maggie, Elizabeth is a teenager. Cut her some slack. You were her age once. Don't you remember?"
"Oh thanks a lot, Douglas! You undermine me the very same way your mother does. I was trying to get Elizabeth to talk respectfully about your mother. This weekend is going to be tough enough without sass. No wonder our kids don't respect me."
"Elizabeth Rose. Come back here. I'm not done with you."
"But Mom!"
"Maggie, dear. Let her go."
"Don't you 'Maggie me', Douglas George Oliver. I hate it when you do that. And just before your mother descends on this house. Do you really want Elizabeth to talk to your mother that way? I always have to be the heavy hand. You're too easy on the kids. Sure, that works for the twins, but not for Elizabeth. She's been sneaking out when she thinks I don't know. That twenty-year-old coach from the boy's basketball team is way too friendly. She's going to get pregnant getting involved with that coach."
"Maggie, Maggie. Calm down. Be an adult. Calm down."
"Calm down? No wonder the kids talk to me like that. They see how you treat me. I don't know why I have to be the heavy hand, again! Big sighs don't help."
"What will help?"
"Oh-oh. Dad's voice just got super quiet. It looks like smoke's coming out of his ears. Samuel. Look. What should we do?"
"Nothing! They always fight when Grandma Oliver comes to visit. And you know she likes to stir up trouble."
"Aw man, Samuel. Cut mom some slack. Grandma O disrespects Mom and Lizzy and treats men like gold. I'm so glad to be a man."
"Samson, you're no man. You're fifteen. I was taking Mom's side."
"Shhh."
"Samson, your whispers are like a freight train. Even the neighbours can hear you."
"Maggie, what are you saying? You were pregnant when we got married."
"Ya, well, I want something better for Elizabeth. She has a life ahead of her. Getting pregnant means she'll have to drop out of school. And she's a smart kid. If only she'd apply herself."
"Are you saying our marriage isn't worth it?"
"Douglas. I can hardly hear you. Speak up like a man."
"I. Said. You. Don't think. Our marriage is worth it?"
"Aw for Pete sake, Douglas! You're putting words into my mouth. I was speaking about Elizabeth."
"Answer me. Do you think our marriage isn't worth the sixteen years we spent together?"
"Guys, what's going on?"
"Shhh. Elizabeth. We can hardly hear what's going on. It's serious. They're both super quiet."
"Oh no. It's all my fault! I can't ever do anything right to please Mom."
"Sis. It's not your fault. Samson. Tell her. Mom and Dad fight every time Grandma O comes to visit. Let's go wait on the step."
"But if I hadn't said those nasty things about Grandma O, Mom wouldn't be mad, and they wouldn't be fighting."
"It's not your fault."
"Jeez. A chorus of the exact same thing at the exact same time. I feel like laughing."
"Hello, my favourite grandchildren. Such good kids, waiting on the steps for me. Boys, go get my suitcases from the car. I had to park three cars down because your mom's car is in the driveway, again! She should put it in the garage."
"Hi, Grandma."
"Aw, you boys are so cute. In unison! Elizabeth, I see you haven't gotten any thinner. You need to play volleyball and go swimming. You're going to end up just like your mother."
"Hey, Mom. How are you? Maggie will come down shortly. She's just changing."
"No surprise. She never could plan things. Douglas, my handsome, favourite son. You must get your daughter into activities to slim her down."
"I'm your only son. Maggie has been slaving away all week cooking up your favourites. She's a good cook. The least you could do is tell her."
"I give compliments when they're warranted. Look at those handsome, helpful twins."
"But Mom."