Satire Fiction posted February 25, 2024

This work has reached the exceptional level
The Donald vs Uncle Joe.

Jesus is calling.

by Terry Broxson

Brother Jim had prepared his sermon carefully. He had never had such a well-known person attend his Sunday morning worship service.  The Association of Baptist Pastors in West Texas had selected his congregation for the campaign visit of The Donald.
Many wondered why The Donald would visit a church in West Texas. After all, there were billboards everywhere that proclaimed—Trump Country. Surely, he would have eighty-two percent of the vote, maybe more. And that didn't include any voting shenanigans from the Governor or the Attorney General.
The Governor and AG considered voter shenanigans on their part as being good for the country.
The AG was recently caught on a night vision camera vandalizing an electric windmill farm. He told his wife, a state senator, "Thank goodness the camera didn't catch my mistress."
The AG complained a left-wing conspiracy group had used artificial intelligence to fake the attack on the power station.
The slippery AG used the incident to bolster his status with the billionaires of the Texas oil and gas business. They appreciated his effort to sabotage their competition. They also held his mistress in high regard.
Not surprisingly, The Donald's visit to West Texas had the same agenda as the AG: appease the billionaire oilmen in any way possible to obtain large donations to their election campaigns. But more to the point, both men needed the funds for lawyers and mounting legal judgments against them.
This trip would serve as sort of a Texas coronation for The Donald. The twelve hours in Midland/Odessa included a Saturday night rally in a football stadium, high school bands, country music, a lavish barbecue, private meetings with wealthy oilmen, a personal visit with the AG's mistress, and a Sunday morning church service at a local Baptist church. 
The campaign managers for The Donald had carefully planned every detail of every minute—except one. Brother Jim's church had no billionaires. There were no millionaires, only conservative, hard-working, honest people. Brother Jim had served as the pastor of Mountain View Baptist Church for sixteen years. 
The church's auditorium seated five hundred. People had squeezed together in the pews for a capacity of nearly six hundred. The offering plate passing that morning set a church record. The Donald had deposited a dollar bill in the plate and took a fiver out. To the casual eye, it looked like he made change for a larger bill. 
The Donald prided himself that his hand always moved quicker than the eye.
Brother Jim looked out at those in attendance. He took a deep breath and drew himself to his full height of 5' 8". Parishioners thought of him as a stately fireplug.  He wore a new dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and bright blue tie, all purchased especially for today's sermon.
At sixty years of age, his jet black hair, combed straight back, had a few streaks of white. He wore glasses with large black frames. His dark brown eyes pierced through the crowd.
Laying his bible on the pulpit, he opened it slowly, turning several pages. "Today, I take our text from the seventh chapter of Matthew—the words of Jesus from his Sermon on the Mount. The words ring true today in our flat oil-rich land of West Texas and for the people who live here."
Brother Jim's commanding baritone voice carried a twang. "Verse one tells us, 'Judge not, that ye be not judged. It's pretty simple. Judge others with humility and love. But one among us judges others with vitriol words of anger. He rejects all forms of disagreement.
"When one only accepts praise and refuses to take responsibility for their actions, we look at verse five and read, thou hypocrite.  
"Three marriages, assorted affairs, hush money cover-up, six bankruptcies, four thousand legal business cases, one hundred tax cases, convicted of sexual assault with the judgment of over eighty million dollars. Convicted of fraud and fined three hundred thirty-five million dollars, and more cases are yet to come.
"Raise your hands if you hide behind bankruptcy laws to avoid paying taxes!"
Three of the visiting billionaire's hands quickly shot up and came down even quicker. The Donald gave each man a smile and a wink.
Brother Jim's fingers traced the sacred words on the page. "Verse Fifteen says, 'Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.'"
The Donald's lips trembled, but no words were uttered. His butt wanted out of the pew, but his legs would not move. The billionaires looked at the Governor with disgust. The Governor glared at the Attorney General, whose face became red with anger.
Brother Jim pointed his finger at The Donald. "Verse fourteen, 'Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be, that find it.'"
Brother Jim took off his glasses and laid them on his bible. "Friends, someday we will all be called home. Some of us will be with the Lord. Others, not so much. Be careful who you follow. And remember, Jesus is calling. Brother George, if you would please lead us."
Brother George Melody, the church choir director, led the congregation as they sang Softly and Tenderly Jesus is calling.
The New York Times headline read, "The Man Who Shut Up The Donald." A picture of the fiery preacher accompanied the story.  
The Donald's only comment went to Fox News. "I got a lot out of the sermon. Particularly the part about the gate and the narrow way. That inspires me to build a better wall, and this time, China will pay for it."
The Governor and the Attorney General vowed to pass a new law in the next legislative session to ban any sermons in the State of Texas referencing the seventh chapter of Matthew. After a further detailed review by his staff, the AG announced several other offensive verses were found in the book of Matthew.
The billionaire oilmen did open their checkbooks for The Donald. However, he railed. "It's barely enough to cover my sexual assault judgments. Who's going to pay for my fraud costs, and how about the lawyer's bills?"
A reporter for CNN asked Brother Jim, "Would you use the same scripture if President Biden attended a service in your church?"
"No, I would take my text from 2 Timothy 4: 6. 'The time for my departure is at hand.'"
The President announced he had no trips to Texas on his busy schedule. 
A secret meeting of the Democratic National Committee occurred on May 4, 2024. A plan to offer the nomination to Brother Jim was thoroughly discussed.
When contacted, Brother Jim replied. "I'm sorry, I have a different path in front of me. Besides, I promised my grandson I would teach him fly fishing in Colorado this summer to catch some rainbow trout."
A national poll conducted by ABC News found that twenty-seven percent preferred a person named Harambe for President. The poll service said Harambe referred to a pen name for a writer on an internet site called FanStory.
A would-be voter said, "All I know is that Harambe is a man who lives in Cincinnati, likes the zoo, and is not The Donald or Uncle Joe. That's good enough for me."
Eighty-seven-year-old Mildred Parsons, a retired college professor and civil rights activist, told the political editor of the Washington Post, "I think Biden is too old, incapable, and most likely corrupt. But at his best, The Donald is evil. How do we get out of this mess?"
And so, it goes...

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