| Biographical Non-Fiction posted December 4, 2023 | Chapters: |
...12 13 -14- 15... 
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  |
You can't unlearn how to ride a bike it is the same with sig
A chapter in the book Spectre
Window
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The trails of the past link to the future.
What is it to know peace when it has run from you. Perhaps it is the mask it wears or the costume on halloween.
Perhaps malevolence is its placenta.
Then can it be called peace? I think not. Deception wears many faces, as does remorse.
Become the sleuth of your heart's desire.
Know that the trail ends on the same spot.
Peace, happiness, love are gifts we give to ourselves. Respect, forgiveness trust are not automatically bestowed. They are earned things.
Love and I'm sorry are words of action. We show rather than say.
The trails of the past link to the future.
Ride the wave.
***********************************
Everyday seems to hold new discoveries of what was and what is. The hole goes deeper then even I knew. Seems my mother stole my step brothers inheritance. Every penny. A large amount.
So much corruption, so many lies. Was my whole life a lie? I don't even know if my father is my father! More stories fly more lies, more deception. She is still trying to have me removed from my home by a daily phone call. Thank god my uncle doesn't believe a word she says. He knows her... and well.
I know I can't change what is. I can change what comes. I keep telling myself I know the truth of the matter. Sometimes truth is not enough when the lie is more fun. Sometimes it matters nothing at all. That's what it is to deal with my family. It's whatever works for mom.
Guess what? I'm here now. No more truth according to mother, it's truth according to what is.
I'm in the mountains for the weekend. The drive is always spectacular. We move first through the thick foliage of rain forest country. Up into the mountains we have hectares of mountains and valleys filled with a coniferous forest as far as the eye can see. Then the trees thin, the orange mountains appear. Finally they give way to arid land, so close to desert like conditions. The only place in this vast country that's like that. Breathing in the snap of dry cold air. Clean as new wind. Staring up at the orange mountain in front me, I realize, we are tiny dots standing next to such a thing. We are insignificant in light of such a monumental creation.
Stand beside one and see...how very small we really are.
See how the beauty can heal...see the forest for the trees.
*****************************
My new friend was right on time picking me up. He showed up in a camper van which he explained belong to his father. He showed me a happy grin and asked me how I was.
I responded, "Okay thanks, you?"
To which he answered, "I'm good. Whatchoo do all week long?"
"Looked for work. I need to be able to pay some rent. I don't think the mister of the house likes me too much. His wife says he'll like me fine if I put cash in hand "
B chuckled and said, "Aren't we all."
We pulled into a lot and parked. Looking at the front of the building, it seemed so much more festive than the adult club. This one boasted a hypnotist show starting at 10pm.
Inside was just as festive as the outside but, more so. Lots of games, well lit dance floor, a DJ playing cool music and, in front of me was the pop stand. All kinds of candy, all kinds of pop, no booze and no scams.
I looked over at my friend who was laughing with a couple my age when he called me over. All through the evening B introduced me to his friends and spent the next couple hours playing air hockey and shooting pool. B treated me just like any other of his friends for which I was relieved. Then the announcement for the hypnotist came, so we all gathered round. This particular hypnotist's ability was based on how many kids would pretend to be hypnotized.
He managed to get several of them up. Made them dance like ballerinas and then eventually had them start stripping off their clothes. Of course, he stopped them just before they could. It was very amusing and entirely fake. A couple times I was asked to dance but, because I still wasn't sure I was able to actually do that, I declined both times. I did slow dances at the adult club, but that was all.
This definitely was a fun night. No pressure from anyone. No manipulation. No lies.
Soon midnight rang and the place was closing for the night. On my way back home, I thanked my friend for a fun night. He asked if I'm like to go again next week and I easily said yes. I wished him goodnight and went inside entering by the basement.
On the really hard couch was a message from the lady upstairs. "Kentucky chicken call. Joo call dem back." Below that was a phone number. "Maybe it was for a job." I thought. "How bonus would that be!" The following morning I made the call and spoke with the restaurant manager. He promptly gave me a start date he explained was the beginning of a trial period of three months. I was extremely excited and so very grateful! Minimum wage of course I had no experience that was to be expected. Still, I was very relieved! This carried on peacefully, quietly and happily enough for a couple of weeks! No incidents or things I had to worry about. It was pure bliss!
One night I was sleeping on the hard couch, for once no nightmares.
When a loud crash and a scream awoke me....
*****************************
I took some lovely pictures pictures of peaceful things things I can look at when I'm on my run. The muck that's one of the reasons I appreciate nature so very much. It brings me back to the core of myself. The real reason for life certainly wasn't that.
But the mountains whispered to my heart and the trees tickle my back, the breeze tells me secrets.
They all sing to me the same song....
Come now, it's time to go....
The trails of the past link to the future.
What is it to know peace when it has run from you. Perhaps it is the mask it wears or the costume on halloween.
Perhaps malevolence is its placenta.
Then can it be called peace? I think not. Deception wears many faces, as does remorse.
Become the sleuth of your heart's desire.
Know that the trail ends on the same spot.
Peace, happiness, love are gifts we give to ourselves. Respect, forgiveness trust are not automatically bestowed. They are earned things.
Love and I'm sorry are words of action. We show rather than say.
The trails of the past link to the future.
Ride the wave.
***********************************
Everyday seems to hold new discoveries of what was and what is. The hole goes deeper then even I knew. Seems my mother stole my step brothers inheritance. Every penny. A large amount.
So much corruption, so many lies. Was my whole life a lie? I don't even know if my father is my father! More stories fly more lies, more deception. She is still trying to have me removed from my home by a daily phone call. Thank god my uncle doesn't believe a word she says. He knows her... and well.
I know I can't change what is. I can change what comes. I keep telling myself I know the truth of the matter. Sometimes truth is not enough when the lie is more fun. Sometimes it matters nothing at all. That's what it is to deal with my family. It's whatever works for mom.
Guess what? I'm here now. No more truth according to mother, it's truth according to what is.
I'm in the mountains for the weekend. The drive is always spectacular. We move first through the thick foliage of rain forest country. Up into the mountains we have hectares of mountains and valleys filled with a coniferous forest as far as the eye can see. Then the trees thin, the orange mountains appear. Finally they give way to arid land, so close to desert like conditions. The only place in this vast country that's like that. Breathing in the snap of dry cold air. Clean as new wind. Staring up at the orange mountain in front me, I realize, we are tiny dots standing next to such a thing. We are insignificant in light of such a monumental creation.
Stand beside one and see...how very small we really are.
See how the beauty can heal...see the forest for the trees.
*****************************
My new friend was right on time picking me up. He showed up in a camper van which he explained belong to his father. He showed me a happy grin and asked me how I was.
I responded, "Okay thanks, you?"
To which he answered, "I'm good. Whatchoo do all week long?"
"Looked for work. I need to be able to pay some rent. I don't think the mister of the house likes me too much. His wife says he'll like me fine if I put cash in hand "
B chuckled and said, "Aren't we all."
We pulled into a lot and parked. Looking at the front of the building, it seemed so much more festive than the adult club. This one boasted a hypnotist show starting at 10pm.
Inside was just as festive as the outside but, more so. Lots of games, well lit dance floor, a DJ playing cool music and, in front of me was the pop stand. All kinds of candy, all kinds of pop, no booze and no scams.
I looked over at my friend who was laughing with a couple my age when he called me over. All through the evening B introduced me to his friends and spent the next couple hours playing air hockey and shooting pool. B treated me just like any other of his friends for which I was relieved. Then the announcement for the hypnotist came, so we all gathered round. This particular hypnotist's ability was based on how many kids would pretend to be hypnotized.
He managed to get several of them up. Made them dance like ballerinas and then eventually had them start stripping off their clothes. Of course, he stopped them just before they could. It was very amusing and entirely fake. A couple times I was asked to dance but, because I still wasn't sure I was able to actually do that, I declined both times. I did slow dances at the adult club, but that was all.
This definitely was a fun night. No pressure from anyone. No manipulation. No lies.
Soon midnight rang and the place was closing for the night. On my way back home, I thanked my friend for a fun night. He asked if I'm like to go again next week and I easily said yes. I wished him goodnight and went inside entering by the basement.
On the really hard couch was a message from the lady upstairs. "Kentucky chicken call. Joo call dem back." Below that was a phone number. "Maybe it was for a job." I thought. "How bonus would that be!" The following morning I made the call and spoke with the restaurant manager. He promptly gave me a start date he explained was the beginning of a trial period of three months. I was extremely excited and so very grateful! Minimum wage of course I had no experience that was to be expected. Still, I was very relieved! This carried on peacefully, quietly and happily enough for a couple of weeks! No incidents or things I had to worry about. It was pure bliss!
One night I was sleeping on the hard couch, for once no nightmares.
When a loud crash and a scream awoke me....
*****************************
I took some lovely pictures pictures of peaceful things things I can look at when I'm on my run. The muck that's one of the reasons I appreciate nature so very much. It brings me back to the core of myself. The real reason for life certainly wasn't that.
But the mountains whispered to my heart and the trees tickle my back, the breeze tells me secrets.
They all sing to me the same song....
Come now, it's time to go....
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