Vlad, the inept vampire
Sitting by the campfire 
Contemplating things he would have done 
If he hadn't been a vampire 
He could have built an empire 
And spent his days just laying in the sun. 

 

He would not be panic stricken 
When offered garlic chicken 
Instead of human blood that's freshly drawn.
He wouldn't start to shake 
When someone mentioned steak
And he wouldn't have to be in bed by Dawn. 

 

He would not turn into a bat
Or anything like that 
And the mirror would show him his true perfection 
He would bathe in holy water 
For an hour and a quarter 
And gaze for hours at his own reflection.

 

But for now he needed feeding, 
So somebody needed bleeding. 
Although drinking someone's blood seems impolite
He set out to find his victim
And once old Vlad had picked him
The time had come to quell his appetite. 

 

Now laying in his coffin. 
Something he did often. 
He decided he preferred to be undead. 
He had some great misgivings
About living with the living
So he's glad that he's a vampire instead.