Case #3

Dear Online Dater,

Up until now, we have examined three case studies where catfish and scam artists try to draw you in so that, at some point, you empty your wallet into their hands and they, in their turn, break your heart.  I have also shown how you can do easy-to-manage searches that will enable you either to certify the validity of your “dream girl” or to expose her identity as a fraud.  In Case #3, accordingly, I want to illustrate how a first contact on a dating site moves cleanly and effortlessly to face-to-face contact.  In other words, I want to offer you a potential success story. 

How to Spot a Potential Love Match

There is no one-size-fits-all introduction email that you can send out that will guarantee your success.  In my way of thinking, truth-telling is the best policy.  If you set out to present your best qualities and to conceal your imperfections, you are doomed to setting yourself up for failure.  Sooner or later, you will have to apologize for all your “little white lies.”  But if you’re apologizing, then, the damage has already been done.  As soon as you’re caught in a single white lie, your potential match is wondering, “Where else has this guy been lying about between his teeth?” 

I think you get my drift.  Honesty is not only the best policy; it is, for me, the ONLY policy that has a ghost of a chance of letting the good times roll.  If you’re not persuaded of this, then I will not be able to help you.  If you are in the business of “seducing women,” go elsewhere.  Don’t waste your time reading any further.

Let’s face it.  Just about every woman online has had her fill of ugly and repulsive affronts from online daters.  So, when someone comes along with an honest self-introduction and an appealing appreciation of her personal story, then you are way out in front of the pack of wolves and the game-players!  You may not melt her heart from your very first words, but your consistent honesty will invariably put you into the category of “here’s a guy worth considering.”    

Now let’s look at the case study #3.  Jiffy presents herself with a “silliness picture” of herself [as shown above] and a cheerful, brief profile: 

So the profile photo was a spontaneous one that was, "I can't believe it!!" Just silliness.  But I have been in Lexington almost 3 years - transplanted from New Orleans. I am creative, funny, compassionate, and smart. Add onto that I am a musician, writer, advocate, speaker and you have ... me.

O.K.  What is your honest response to Jiffy? 

For myself, I said, “There potential here.”  How so?

• Not many women are willing to risk showing a bad-hair-day pic of themselves as their primary photo.  But I like this.  When women look too polished and even use professional studio shots, my instinctive response is that they have never arrived at the point of being able to laugh at themselves.  And, believe me, I admire a woman sufficiently relaxed as to be able to laugh at herself.  But if it’s all silliness and no intelligence, then I say, “No way.” 
• Jiffy writes in clear and correct English.  This I appreciate. 
• She also mentions that she is “smart.”  True, she puts “smartness” in fourth place after “creative, funny, compassionate.”  Many women have been taught not to excel in school, not to participate in their class discussions, etc. And, why so?  Because they fear that the boys will stay away from a young woman that they fear might be more intelligent, more industrious, more of an achiever than they are. 

While most intelligent women aren’t pompous or arrogant about it, many times men assume they are. They assume the woman is going to correct them, upstage them or, God-forbid, make them feel worthless. . . .

If a woman seems too smart or accomplished, she’s typecast [by most men] as “non-dating material.” If she’s witty and competitive, she’s viewed as challenging and overbearing.  Society [male society, that is] has come to teach women that being funny and smart won’t get you dates, but empty heads and shallow hearts[will].[i]

In my way of seeing things, this is a tragic error.  Women are forced to hide their interior gifts and to “dumb down” their public performances in order to protect the fragile egos of men.  What???  Spare us, O Lord!

Now I am going to let you see how I present myself and how Jiffy responds to me.  In red type, I will offer you my comments and my reflections as Jeffy and I exchange six rounds of emails.  Keep track of your own responses.  At the end, I will give you the opportunity to share them with me and with other on this site.   

Round #1

[My Msg #1]Dear JIFFY silliness,   [Notice the delicate touch here.  She obviously cherishes her “silliness.”  So what do I do.  I simply repeat it along with her chosen “name.”  I affirm her as she is.  Very important.]

Here is the poem that grips me and fills me with delight. I’m reinventing myself and this poem is my guide for living: [What does this say to Jiffy?  Here is a man who reads the poetry of women and finds “delight” and “guidance” for himself therein.  He is a man who will be able to take “delight” in me  and find “guidance” in the wisdom that I have gained in my life.]

It doesn't interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

FreeSpirit

[Reply #1] I know that poem. Beautiful.

I have this one on my desk at work...

Some of you I will hollow out. 

I will make you a cave. 

I will carve you so deep the stars will shine in your darkness. 

You will be a bowl. 

You will be the cup in the rock collecting rain... 

I will do this because the world needs the hollowness of you. 

I will do this for the space that you will be. 

I will do this because you must be large. 

A passage. 

People will find their way through you. 

A bowl. 

People will eat from you and their hunger will not weaken them to death. 

A cup to catch the sacred rain.... 

Light will flow in your hollowing. 

You will be filled with light. 

Your bones will shine. 

The round open center of you will be radiant. 

I will call you Brilliant One. 

I will call you Daughter Who is Wide. 

I will call you transformed.â??

Yahoo!  What a remarkable show of empathy.  Poem for poem. . . .  I have made contact, heart to heart, right from the start!

Round #2

[Msg #2] Dear JIFFY,

Grrrrrr!  [This is the fierceness that comes through to me in her poem.]

Your poem brings quiet tears to my eyes. This is the sort of friend that I am looking for. . . . [Caution here.  This may be too direct for Msg #2.  The ability to register emotions, however, is usually a powerful allure for women like Jiffy.  On the other hand, this could be a red flag—“Men don’t cry.”  We will see. . . .  Nothing is achieved without taking risks.]

But it has to be a good fit from the very start; hence, I'm going to be entirely transparent with you so that you can see, from the beginning, what sort of man I am.  [The promise of transparency is a rare gift.  The majority of men are trying to impress women.]

I want someone who has passions in her life but can be passionate about a relationship, too. I need someone who is able to communicate openly and honestly and who cherishes spontaneous affection. I heard a line in a romantic comedy that speaks strongly to me: "I'm yearning for a love that is friendship on fire." I've known such friendships and I've known such fire. And, my suspicion is that you might be on your way to discover that I have a mysterious something that appeals to you. . . . If so, why don't we pursue this together?

=======================

THE MANKIND PROJECT

Tracy, a woman I met on match.com, introduces herself saying, "My turnoffs are: dishonesty, cheating, liars, and anyone who believes [in] treating people bad!"

I responded to her saying, "I'm entirely on the same page with you. The fact that you are bringing this forward is a clue that this describes your experiences with men. . . . With you, I detest this way of acting." But there is hope. Five years ago I joined ten thousand other men in what is known as the ManKind Project. Here is what we are about:

The ManKind Project flies in the face of rigid stereotypes about the "Sensitive New Age Man" AND the "Macho Man". We ask men to go right up to the edge - and beyond - in a culture that seems to be comfortable with mediocrity and passivity from men. We ask men to stop living a vicarious adventure through their TV's and step into a real time adventure to win back their passion for life. We ask men to confront the real issues, to get 100% honest about who they are. Some men have a really hard time doing that. Many of us did too, but we took the risk anyway.

We're looking for men who want to be powerful Leaders and Role Models. Men willing to step through fear and into the challenge of their lives. Men not afraid to revolt against repressive social norms, take off their masks and break through their personal barriers. Men ready to take real risks and step into their full power. Men not afraid to inhabit ALL the characteristics required of men in changing times; resiliency, integrity, courage, creativity, innovation, adaptability, compassion, empathy, radical self-responsibility, inclusiveness, generosity and respect.

Would you be interested in meeting this kind of man? If so, that's what I aspire to be. More importantly, this movement has made me entirely comfortable with intellectual and emotional full-disclosure. I could not have a close friend, man or woman, who was unable to risk this kind of disclosure with me again and again. . . . [This assertion may be too forceful at this point.]

=====================

LAUGHING AND HAVING FUN AND EXPLORING THE WORLD

I'm sportive (Tai Kwan Do, racquetball, swimming), enjoy nature (hiking, camping, canoeing, the more primitive, the better), and love to cook (Italian, Indian, French) and give full-body massages (CA style; 30 years’ experience). I was a working photographer for three years and a private detective for thirty-three years.  I am currently in the process of reinventing myself yet again. . . .

So, now it's your turn. . . .
LuvDoctor

[Reply #2] Why Grrr? Ahhh... is my response to it...

Your profile - and your info here is such a joy to read! You live deeply, as do I. There are many possibly connects here.

First, and to be completely clear from the start, I have been divorced barely a year after 8 years of a difficult and beautiful marriage. As is life. We have been separated by many states for 3 years but I feel I am just getting my sea legs. But this kind of connection is the kind I long for and missed in my marriage.  [She’s getting rooted in her own identity as single, but she still longs for connection.  Here we are on the same page.]

I am a musician, song writer, free-lance writer, traveler, and my primary focus right now is stopping violence against women and children, particularly related to sexual violence. I was in Guatemala in October and will hopefully be in Thailand and Cambodia in November. Women's empowerment is central to the work I do and I love that you know the importance of it.

Here's the other thing. I work for "the church" (insert spooky organ music), the Episcopalian church. Their headquarters is in Lexington. So faith-based work is my niche. I am an open soul, and not your average Episcopalian, and I love my work, my colleagues, and mostly all the amazing people I get to listen to and share with. I am open, have found wisdom and connection in many communities, and will always leave my soul ajar.

I am a New Orleans transplant. I still own a home there, and my two daughters are there, so I go back regularly.

So there is everything potentially problematic, at least on the surface.  [Wow.  This is her intelligence and her transparency moving together.]

BTW, I love the photos [shown on my public profile] of you and your granddaughters. Beautiful.

Yahoo!  What a remarkable response on the part of Skippy.  She offers me a snapshot of her life.  In response to my Mankind Project, she shows me the groups and the activities that are intertwined within her life.

Round #3

[Msg #3]Dear JIFFY,

You are committed, to be sure, maybe even a bit overcommitted. The sort of work you do, however, builds your inner fire (rather than burning you out). Yet, you say, "This kind of connection is the kind I long for and missed in my marriage."

For my part, the urge to bond is strong. My life is now open and free. My cosmic calling draws me to withdraw my energies from my detective work in order to (at last) open myself up to finding true love. Here is my recent poem that resonates with this calling:

Lazy snowflakes silently fall to earth

And join their sisters on my back porch.

They know she is coming

And they shiver with excitement.

Frozen blue kale rooted in an earthen pot

They waited for you and didn't die for naught.

Oh, they knew you were coming

And their dreams are sprinkled with longing.

A retired Private Eye talks to his Christmas angel

Explaining how his heart is hollow but warm.

He knows full well that she is coming;

He reaches out and touches her in his mind.

======================

I enjoy my own presence and push ahead my own social justice agenda. But every so often, I get this powerful urge for unscripted deep sharing and for playful sex and for unbridled orgies in the middle of the night. I watch a romantic film, but it fails to satisfy my yearnings. It just gets me ready. . . . [Yipes!  This is way too premature.  The way Skippy has met me point by point has set off a certain wild recklessness.  But this could set off danger signals.  Let’s see what happens.]

So, here's an idea: how about a weekend together without any expectations. Then we can taste together (with our hearts and eyes open) what results. I surmise that we can lift each other out of the everydayness of our lives into realms that are pure grace. In any case, I surmise that such a weekend would be a good tonic for both of us however it turns out. Would you agree?

Did you know that you are the only woman I have come across on this dating site that uses the J (=Justice) word?

Warmly,

Adam Rose = ur potential LuvDoctor

PS: I’m giving you my full legal name. You might be tempted to do a web search, but the results may be overwhelming. Be forewarned. I could have 150+ hits. You might just prefer to take the more gradual and romantic route of letting me tell you 1001 stories one at a time. Your choice!  [If I’m going to suggest a weekend together, I have to jump right in and let Skippy see the entire lay of the land, raw and unfiltered.  Very risky at this point, but somehow it seems right in this very special case.]

[Reply #3] Hi Adam.

Thank you for sharing so much. Especially the compelling poem.

I did google you and the first thing that came up was "trouble maker", which was enough of a calling card for me. :) Integrity often pushes us to the margins. The rest you can share if we decide to meet face to face.

I am Erin.

As sweet as a weekend could be, and spontaneity is a thing I do well, I try to be wise as well. I don't want my heart flung all over the universe. It is already parsed out to women around the world, my dearest ones [her daughters?], and God. And I have discovered that my body and heart are one, whether I like it or not.

I appreciate your honesty about your needs and desires.

Mine are to be known and cherished in every way, to be encouraged to create and discover my own wisdom, and for a partner with humility who knows he cannot know or prescribe who I am or what is right for me. And laughter, so much laughter. I know he is out there, and if we find each other, it will be joyous. There is no hurry if it is right. [Here are the words of an awakened woman.  Most men will never hear words like this.  I think back on the film “Her” where Samantha doesn’t waste time massaging the ego of Theodore.  Her reference to what she is learning from James Watts doesn’t contain the least hint of an apology. Even her ill-fated experiment in “vicarious sex” can’t ruin their relationship. . . .]

I will take a look at your link today. In the meantime, tell me about one of your mentors.

Peace, Erin

Round #4

[Msg #4] Dear Erin,

 Now I get it. That "silliness" in your first pic was driven by unseen and unnoticed fairies and elves from your past. Just how Irish are you?

I'm 100% Slovenian, but I love 100% the Irish way of life. It begins with my friend Sean living down the street. It takes me through four separate adventures on the Green Isle at various times. So much to tell. . . . But I'm not going to get distracted by the imps pulling at the hem of my bathrobe. . . . You want a story from me. And not just any story. . . . What was the word you used? Ah, yes. MENTOR [Here my playfulness is spilling out.]

So, I'll begin with the story of my first mentor. . . Frank Mramor, the man who taught a young boy of eleven to love the savage rawness of the woods and the rivers and the caves . . . and to sense a cosmic wonder and abiding peace therein. . . .

My parents grew up in the Slovenian neighborhood surrounding E. 55th Street in Cleveland. They never hiked in the woods or played in a creek. When they married, Frank Skedel, my mother's father, gave my parents a brand-new home in the suburb of Willoughby, Ohio. This was quite a lavish gift from a man who came to the USA with just a few dollars and just as few words of English some thirty years earlier. Frank was despised as "a foreigner" and was called names and beaten up just because of this. With time, however, he watched and he learned and, at the time of my parents' marriage, he owned and ran a very successful machine shop with his three sons near E. 55th Street.

My parents regarded the woods as "dirty" and as "insect infested"--they avoided it entirely.

Happily, however, I joined the Boy Scouts when I was eleven. First, I was taught to tie ten different knots. I knew each of them by name and when they were to be used. I have used these knots with good purpose for over fifty years. The first camp out was a source of wonderment for me. Thereafter, rain or shine, heat-wave or snow storm, we scouts went camping one weekend out of every month for the next seven years. Among the clever things I learned was how to recognize poisonous snakes and how to safely handle non-poisonous ones. With a foot of snow on the ground, we were able to pitch our six-man army-surplus tent and then to shovel out the snow that was inside the tent.    

My dad never asked about my camping experiences and never had anything good to say about my disappearance from the home on our camping weekends. "I don't see what you find that keeps you going back into the same woods again and again." I slowly began to realize that he had a prejudice against the natural world and that our entire Slovenian family was infected with the same "disease" [dis-ease]. But, at the same time, I was slowly coming to value my own experiences and was deeply grateful to Mr. Frank Mramor, our skilled Scout Master. He became a second father for me. . . . And the woods evoked a spontaneous wonder that quieted my soul for the rest of my days and nights. . . .

So, there it is. Any clarifying questions? Maybe a story of your own later?

[Reply #4] That was a great history lesson. Thanks. Isn't it funny the things we get in our heads, say about nature being dirty, and we just can't shake it? Despite the evidence to the contrary. It seems like you found a part of yourself in the wild. And in the consistency of it. Seven years growing up like that. Amazing.

Thank you for sharing. I grew up on a farm in eastern Washington state, so I get the lure of the wild. For me it is probably the silence as much as anything. My personal bliss: a hot August day floating on an air mattress in the middle of a mountain lake.

I had an amazing mentor in my 30s who really shifted the trajectory of my vocation. She is an elderly British woman, sort of an Episcopalian Mrs. Doubtfire. She grew up in the UK during WWII and came to the states when her husband was transferred with work. Somehow, she was invited to go to a United Nations event around nuclear disarmament in the early 80's. She went in as a firm believer in military intervention, and left committed to a completely different world view. She traveled a lot, advocated, organized people, lead marches and movements and even appeared on the Phil Donahue show. She has a flair for drama. [I have yet to learn how much Erin absorbed from her mentor.]

She saw something in me - and drew me in to her presence with stories and encouragement, and a humor that left me crying sometimes. She became the 2nd of my adopted grandmothers.

I watched her. I modeled her. I listened to her. I disagreed with her. Though she almost always won the argument, I "knew" I was right about a couple of things. And when she retired from the committee with which we worked together for about six years, I took over it. My job now is due greatly to her nudging and sometimes downright pushing. She was invested in the future.  Even though she knew she wouldn't be there for it.

She has been in a care facility fading away with alzheimers for many years. She is in her late 80s.

Now I am mentoring a young woman (at her request) who is really hard to real [reel] in. And I think of Silvia often so I don't just throw up my hands in the air.

There ya go.
 

Press on - and keep warm!

Erin

Round #5

[Msg #5] Dear Erin,

Thanks for sharing. I find women often speak of members of their family as being there mentors. So it's refreshing to hear how neatly and reverently you speak of Silvia as having mentored you. What is her last name?

My adopted dad, Mike Kosak, has been writing his autobiography during the last three years. He's 92 at the moment, but filled with energy. His first draft had everything in the third person. Then, he rewrote everything in the first person. Next he has added pics and direct dialogue which made the action more vivid. Finally, he added great descriptions of the characters and of the countryside. Finally he added subtle hints of what was coming up on every third page.

On the weekend, I read the entire text (360 single-spaced pages) and made comments and corrections as I went. It is a great read! He has come a long, long way as a writer.

He grew up on a farm, but then went on to become a spectacular educator who used amateur radio and flying airplanes by way of stimulating his more promising students. Then he started a flight program to help medical missionaries in Kenya to move supplies and patients. Kenya had no highway system linking towns and cities; hence, land travel was slow and sometimes precarious. Then he became a teacher again—training pilots in Kenya for seven years. Every two or three pages, he starts out on a new adventure. . . .

A few of his students plan to write a grant proposal to the National Science Foundation that would print and distribute copies of his book to 20,000 high schools. The book is an inspirational narrative of how to overcome adversity and to press ahead expanding one’s horizons from the age of 12 to 82. I do hope that the grant materializes. If not, the book will serve as a testimony to his children, grand-children, and former students. I count myself among the latter group. No one has shaped my character more than Mike!

Sleep well, dear friend,
Adam

[Reply #5a] Lovely. May the grant be granted!

How is your snow? I just received an email from United [Airlines] warning me that my travel might be delayed on Friday. That is a first! So, we will see. I am to fly to Santa Barbara, which sounds really perfect, so I do hope it works out. But I also travel enough to know that I have absolutely zero control over the travel industry. :) If I cannot make it for my presentation, everyone will survive! It is a good lesson to know that one is not indispensable.

Stay warm! I think hot cocoa tonight!

 Peace,
"The only woman on OKC [OKCupid.com dating site] to use the word justice" (perhaps that will be my tagline now)

[Reply #5b] Hi Adam,

 I wanted to touch base. My trip to Congo was postponed because of the snow, believe it or not. My visa/passport was stuck in DC at the embassy. So I am planning to go another time. I am around until mid-February.

I am interested in chatting/possibly meeting.  [Bingo!  I’m in.  And the moment a chunk of time shows up unexpectedly, she wants me to bring something fresh into her life.  So, my early blurting about my sexual yearning did not stop Erin.  It may have even helped.  She may even be thinking, ”Gosh, this fellow is refreshingly frank, even when it comes to sex.  Not bad.  I need to watch him.  He could be an unexpected keeper.”]

Be well!
Erin

Round #6

[Msg #6] Wonderful, Erin. I do so want to get to know you better and to learn from you as well.

I use Yahoo Messenger and/or Skype. I have a close friend in Lexington, so maybe I could even drive down, meet with you, and stay with him overnight.  [Now I’m on target!  This will make her feel very safe with me.  She might even invite me into her home.]

What do you fancy? [Her I deliberately remind her that she is in control here.]

Still getting laughs from your "silliness" portrait.... [You see, I can keep it light.]

Peace and joy,
Adam

[Reply #6] Hi Adam,

It could be great - if you could come down. Or I could meet you in your neck of the woods. I don't know what is in the middle, but we could venture into that, too.

I made plans to go to Nashville this weekend, but will be around the following one. I am a little under the weather so should be back to my perky self by then.

I am in the middle of reading a book called Walking Home. It is about the iujuyhn ujuyhnujhoiuyuiyuiytuio, of which I have been scheming to walk part of this summer.

It [the book]is a nice January escape.

Have a great weekend!
Erin

[Msg #7] Thank you, Erin. Next weekend then!

I just wrote this letter to the editor: The position of . . . .

Peace and joy in Nashville,
 Adam

What a joy!  My mind was focused and my heart was centered all the way.  I did push the envelope here and there, but, no matter, my beloved Erin was noiselessly forgiving and everything went ahead smoothly.  I tell you truly, this could be the woman that will bring adventure and bliss to kiss together.  I sense she has, not just a bit of silliness (as she herself says), but a deep purpose and human warmth and the magic green gold gathered by the leprechauns of Ireland.

Erin read the above and posted this comment:

This was the fun of searching for a mate.  All those years that I used my intelligence to serve the cause of others.  I found missing children.  I brought delinquent fathers to the halls of justice.  I saved men from serving jail time due to trumped up charges.  But now, in the end, I was finally working for myself . . . and what a joy it was.

And, you, my dear reader, I sincerely hope that you will find this joy yourselves in reading this narrative.  Armed with my case studies, you will be kept from harm.  So your grief will be slight, and your joy will someday soon pour down over the sides of your cup. . . !

• (a) What have you learned from this narrative?  How do you expect this will boost your own quest for true love? or
• (b) What would you identify as the skills/handicaps that aid/hinder Erin and Adam from finding “unexpected romance” once they meet face-to-face?  Do you expect they will be soul-mates until death?