Recently while browsing on the Internet. I came across explanation of this Latin Phrase: "Amor Fati." I have mentioned it in the previous chapters. German philosopher, Nietzsche made it sort of an expression of the unassailable human conditions that even God does not, or cannot change. I am mentioning it here today because it appears that my life on that day faced the situation as stated.

On the 17th birthday, I did not have a computer, internet or a cell phone. We only had the 'Portable' Phones that many of you may remember, walking and talking with it in and out on the porch of your home. The Cellular version had arrived in the market, but we couldn't afford it, nor felt a need to have it.

The Amor Fati means: Love for Fate, is a strange way of telling humanity that life is what is given to you with a predestined fate; one has no option but love it. To that I add our over used phrase-Lump It. That means don't struggle against that, which you can' win, and make best of it. Loving and lumping are two options? The day after my birthday, my mom and Mr. Roy got married in the courthouse, and my stepfather postponed his original returning to West Virginia plan by a week. They did a small cake cutting sort of ceremony with mom's friends.

That evening, after dinner, we three sat down to discuss a plan. In real sense, I was there, just to hear it as I was not a part of their future life. I was a fifth wheel that had no options but to go where they were going. It is an amazing phenomenon that I wonder, if it is set to happen due to being a parent. Here, parent don't give up their rights, duty or whatever one wants to call it, to interfere in the lives of their offspring. In my case, moving plans were all set:

"We all are moving back to Taylor Mountain, West Virginia". This announcement is all I was needed. After I heard them, the first reaction was: "Amor Fati? Hell no; I couldn't accept it at all.

"Who are in this 'we', mom? Have you forgotten I am an adult and have rights and am not your ward? Leaving Candy is a nonstarter and not negotiable." And that's what I announced as my opposition to the plan.

Mom tried different scenario, starting with pleading with me with, the advantages we have and how wonderful West Virginia will be with all our cousins and Pappy's grave nearby.

I refused moving without my love anywhere. I had a small income coming to me and I thought that would keep me afloat and if I move back with her, we could make our life a paradise anon as a Persian poet Omar Khayyam described in: The Rubaiyat. A paradise in Colorado! One utopian dream it turned out to be. I realized this the next day after I rejected mom's plan. My stepdad had not ventured out to make me change my mind. Perhaps, being a prudent thinker, he looked at my unusual relationship and all that comes with it, as another battle with the society; one he was not inclined to get into. Mom on the other hand lived in her own dream world and never really understood that two people of same sex can be in a love-relationship and ardently wish to spend lifetime together. I am not sure if my Bible dependent grandma had impacted some sort of influence on her or she just was a mom not wanting to let go of her only daughter. I assumed that she did not understand the nature of our relationship at all.

"Oh; you make a big deal of a casual friendship; there are family members at home, and your high school friends also. Now you are so much nicer with a changed attitude and all that, you will make new friends honey! What will you do here in this rural and backward place?" This was her view about love between two women; nothing less or more than a buddy, buddy relationship of school days.

I gave up trying to explain the reality of my love-relationship with Candy. I couldn't come right out with details to my mom. I also had not seen Candy in two days nor she answered my phone or returned the calls. I was not sure of if Anton case was put to rest. Candy's behavior also was confusing. I did not know if her at work situation had improved or she was playing safe. Then the other fears of her surrendering to the society's pressures to correct her love-life may have prevailed and she too like Mr. Roy was looking for a safe passage to a conflict-free life.

Sitting in my bedroom, I was dangling on an emotional trapeze waiting for the partner swinging on the other side to reach me and then I could let go of my hold and land in the hands of my partner; a divine union above the ground. The traveling circus of my life with the Jokers, acrobats and the ringmaster, it seems I had no permanent place in this world to pitch the tent in one place and not move again. Can this be the fate waiting for me to love what is given? Who do I ask, that humanity would not struggle and fight against this invisible and powerful entity that shapes individual's and with that, the collective fate of a community? Isn't human spirit an indefatigable divinity that does not allow fate to stop its march towards the ultimate freedom? Today, in my midlife, I am wondering of how then, as an emerging adult, I handled that upheaval. On one hand, I had mom's dream-world life available for me to survive in it, and on the other hand, I had this Amor Fati principle to adopt and wait it out for the fate to act. Safety and some stability was present in mom's plan but then, what I have to give up?

I did not have to wait too long. Mr. Roy had gone to town to see an attorney specialized in the wills and inheritance subject. Listening to his explaining to mom, I learned that Anton's estate may become an abandoned property. If mom could prove that she was his what in the legal jargon called, "Common Law Wife", then there was a possibility that she could get the property transferred to her name if no other relative claims it, there would be an easy way to get the ownership.

Hearing that, I began building the Castles in the air. My thinking was:

"I definitely could make mom to rent the property to me and then, Candy would move in with me and if all goes well, we could get married and live happily ever after."

Mom was determined to return home as she called our former dwelling place.

"With or without you, I am going back." That's how she put her decision in front of me.
I realized that she married Mr. Roy despite 20 years age difference between them for the security he offered. Like a creeper plant that has no place to survive on the ground, climbs up on a strong Oak, she took the only opportunity that came to her to fulfill her destiny. I perhaps will have to wait for mine to arrive if it hasn't already arrived with Candy meeting me on our first evening in Meeker, Colorado, a year ago.

That afternoon, Mr. Roy returned, and he told mom that there was a strong possibility that the place will be hers because, during the transfer to Anton, the state had exhausted the efforts to find any relatives closer to his uncle than he was. None came forward then, and now another coming up had a slim to none, chance. An advertisement was already placed in few newspapers as required by law, but the process would take at least six months.

With that news, I was delighted and kept calling Candy. On the next morning, finally she called me. When I answered the call. The tone and the choice of word she used, at once indicated me of that either she could not freely speak or her feelings towards me had changed. Giving her the benefit of doubt, I accepted the greeting:

"Hay; I am sorry I couldn't call you back; I just got back from a vacation; I was out of town. How are you doing and congratulations for your mom and you for the wedding. You must be excited to return to your family hometown."

What can one say on the phone, when in one breath the apple of your eyes, your every desire of heart, all that one had been depending upon to build a loving and a permanent relationship, was wiped out by no other person but the same partner, who had laid the first brick of that love-nest? I felt crumbling of my dream had begun.

Controlling my tears and sobs, I said:

"I understand; I will give mom your congratulations. I have no plans of returning to my hometown. I am taking charge of my destiny. I am going to live this place if mom gets it."

After a short pause Candy in same manner spoke:

"Good luck; I hope you will find what you are seeking and If I can help, let me know."

I couldn't help saying to her:

"Thanks for your offer; I doubt I will need anything at this time. Hope you found what you were looking for; I have just one thing to say to you:

'Don't pick another person like me to experiment with; I will go on with my life with memories, but a weaker one may not survive, and end of such experiment will scar you for rest of your life. Goodbye and all the best."

With that phone call, another aspect of destiny's experiment with my life got over. "Should I accept Amor Fati, or like that Bomber Pilot of Pappy's WWII story, I should keep flying mortally wounded and find a landing strip somewhere?" He didn't make it after landing, but I will. With that thought, I returned to my original self--The Teflon personality. 'Just wait and see; put the past behind', my old hidden personality advised. This is what happened two days after saying goodbye. An opportunity came unexpectedly. One door closed and another crack appeared for me to slide through to the next phase of my life. The Gulliver's Travels it was to another shore.