Young and randy
I was about sixteen
When my mother caught me
Lost in a Penthouse magazine
Going like a turtle dove
In self-love
First and a half base
A surprising expression on my face

Barely legal
High on self-abuse
In this after school special
As getting on the juice
Pleasure with its figure of fun
Gagging Willie nelson
At a hand-party
Started my puberty

Dating miss Michigan
Pitching the woo
Baby bat in the brain
I cum-stain mcgoo
And as tribute to the catalogs
Barking the dog
More for the playboy playmates than the articles
Was my new normal

Raising the turn-on
Up to trading blue movies
More than Netflix and chill alone
Rated PG
Being left to the vice
Viewers discretion advice
Tested the video quality
Of whip the willie

Trailer jacking
To sport illustrated swimsuit issue
Painting the ceiling
Whispered as taboo
With a voice so gruff
Beats off
As a cultural crime
Is happy time

Living the hype
Has been that job
Of cleaning the pipe
That polishes the knob
And hard-on
Jerks the Johnson
Lone rangering
Walking the penguin

Punishing Percy
Praticising onanism
In daily therapy
Without reaching orgasm
Has the dirty trucker
Not to think with my peters
With its after effect
Roughing the suspect

To the tale of taming the beast
This non-stop
Humping the fist
Bop the top and drop the slop
Taking Herman to the circus
To feed the horses
Emotionally stimulated
Disciplining the primate


Business as usual
This tug of war with a cyclop
Stroke the devil
Bashing the bishop
In self- worship
Emptying the clip
That bucks the trend
Say hello to my little friend

Pitching a tent
Walking with a loaded gun
Strangling the serpent
To have a phaser's on stun
Flogging the dolphin
And spanking the chicken
A man about town
Punches a clown

Still questioning the bible
Massaging the sin muscle
Shinning the apple
In its juvenile Sunday moral
Fire one off the cuff
This taking the rest of the day off
Gropes the rope
That fools the pope

Already addicted
To this ancient practice
As a sin inherited
Being on self-service
Polishing the helmet
Is no secret
In its unspoken rule
Nothing that devalue the family jewels