Essay Non-Fiction posted January 7, 2022


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A Letter to my Mom after she Died

Time

by Ramona Agin


They say that time heals all wounds but how can it mend a piece of you that's gone?

I sit and look back on our visit the year before you died. Did you know then? Had the deception already started?

I knew our time was limited but I thought we had years not months. Had I known we had months I would have done things so differently.

I'm sure you had your reasons. Maybe you even tried. I guess you just couldn't bear to break my heart.

Well, it's broken now anyway. Shattered. I will never be the same. My laughter never as rich.
The sunlight never as bright.

I love, but now with the fear of loss ever present. You gone. Lisa gone. So many others gone. My family, friends, pets all dwindled off to nothing. Gone.

How can you love freely when you fear that which you love the most will be torn from you at any time?

How do you open yourself up to love when you fear the pain of loss so much that you joke and pretend you don't need anyone but you are really terrified of being alone?

How do you stop the past from replaying over and over in your head? Wishing somehow you could change the outcome, knowing logically, you can't?

My soul dying over and over again. The crushing weight in my chest. The breathlessness. The tears. Over and over I lose you. Again and again. It never stops. Some days it's just not as painful.

You are with me every day. Always present in my thoughts. Rare is the moment that goes by when I don't think of you. I wonder if you can see me. If you can hear me.

I pray that you have forgiven me for not being there for you. I rant at you. Angry that you did not talk to me. That you relied on Papa Geno to tell me. Not my real Dad.

I mean. I know you didn't like to make phone calls but don't you think this one was worth making?
It would have been nice to hear the news from my real Dad. Then I might have believed it. But as much as I loved Gene, he was still an outsider. He wasn't you and he wasn't Dad. You should have known I was only going to believe family. Even Missy. You never told Missy.

Damn Mom. Was I supposed to take the word of a blood stranger? Sure I knew him but he wasn't blood. He wanted to put you in a nursing home. He said you wanted to go. I asked you. You said yes. I told you I could take care of you. You just smiled. What did that mean?

Eventually, Gene took care of you. I guess you didn't want to burden me. As if you could ever be a burden. I look back and I thought we had more time or I would have stayed.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I missed the cues that were being given. I did notice you were sleeping more. I should have gone home when Missy did. I wish I had. I miss you Mom. So very much. Sometimes it hurts so bad my chest aches. My stomach aches. My throat closes and I can't breathe.

Author Ramona Agin



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I wrote this the day after my Mom died. She was my best friend. Without her my life just has not been the same. A huge piece of my heart is missing.
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© Copyright 2022. Ramona Agin All rights reserved.
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