| Satire Fiction posted November 9, 2020 |
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From the office of Lucy Phur, Chief Campaign Coordinator
How sweet it is
by CD Richards
Dear Fiends:
Yes, we've done it! We have thwarted the re-election plans of the Chosen One! It was a hard battle; but by fraud, deceit, theft and skulduggery we've ensured that he is now free to play golf 365 days a year. Not only that, but we have convinced millions upon millions of people that it's a perfectly normal thing for the press to call a winner in this race once a candidate appears to have an unassailable lead. The gullible fools!
This paves the way for all our diabolical plans to be realised. World domination will soon be ours! Our new Commander-In-Chief assures me he will waste no time in plotting the complete and utter destruction of everything that is good, nice and wholesome. We're going to start by hugely expanding our PizzaGate program. It's going to be renamed PizzaWall! Millions of children will immediately be rounded up by the most senior members of our party and sold into sexual slavery. We'll even have specially built cages to lock them in while they await their fate. Far better than those inferior cages our predecessors employed to lock children up.
We will triple the expenditure on construction of our FEMA death camps, where all those who oppose us will be sent. Container loads of body bags will be shipped in from the four corners of the globe post-haste in preparation. We are going to make the outgoing Commander's employment of law enforcement and military personnel for his own ends look like amateur hour.
Effective January 20, we'll be immediately confiscating everyone's guns. Lest we be thought completely cruel and heartless, we will be offering a trade-in arrangement, where they can be exchanged for NERF™ weapons. Let's see them fulfil their God-given right to murder innocent civilians and children with foam balls!
Furthermore, we are going to reverse state legislation, where required, to allow prayers in school to any god of a person's choosing—including, of course, the god of this world. After all, it is his will we made it this far, right? In order to ensure democratic principles prevail, we will conduct polling to ascertain the five most popular gods, and we will assign each a designated prayer day—Monday to Friday—when all children must pray to the same god. This will enable us to avoid conflicts of interest, in the event different faiths should make different requests to different deities on the same day.
It is our plan to confound the masses by reintroducing that most hideous of abominations—science-based policy. We will once more be spreading malicious rumours such as: climate change is real; the Earth is not flat; and global pandemics actually exist. In order that our enemies are given as little chance as possible to survive, we will outlaw the injection of life-saving bleach to COVID-19 patients.
We plan to re-target the introduction of affordable health care for everyone. This should ensure enough scum and down-and-outs survive to become future minions for our cause. We're going to destroy the fabric of society by requiring that billionaires pay taxes.
We'll continue to oppose the divine right to discriminate on the basis of not liking someone's skin colour, gender, age, social standing, religion, nationality or sexual orientation. Watch society disintegrate as we remove the fundamental human freedom of being a bigot.
It's a wonderful day, brothers and sisters. Rejoice and be happy!
Yours,
Lucy.
Dear Fiends:
Yes, we've done it! We have thwarted the re-election plans of the Chosen One! It was a hard battle; but by fraud, deceit, theft and skulduggery we've ensured that he is now free to play golf 365 days a year. Not only that, but we have convinced millions upon millions of people that it's a perfectly normal thing for the press to call a winner in this race once a candidate appears to have an unassailable lead. The gullible fools!
This paves the way for all our diabolical plans to be realised. World domination will soon be ours! Our new Commander-In-Chief assures me he will waste no time in plotting the complete and utter destruction of everything that is good, nice and wholesome. We're going to start by hugely expanding our PizzaGate program. It's going to be renamed PizzaWall! Millions of children will immediately be rounded up by the most senior members of our party and sold into sexual slavery. We'll even have specially built cages to lock them in while they await their fate. Far better than those inferior cages our predecessors employed to lock children up.
We will triple the expenditure on construction of our FEMA death camps, where all those who oppose us will be sent. Container loads of body bags will be shipped in from the four corners of the globe post-haste in preparation. We are going to make the outgoing Commander's employment of law enforcement and military personnel for his own ends look like amateur hour.
Effective January 20, we'll be immediately confiscating everyone's guns. Lest we be thought completely cruel and heartless, we will be offering a trade-in arrangement, where they can be exchanged for NERF™ weapons. Let's see them fulfil their God-given right to murder innocent civilians and children with foam balls!
Furthermore, we are going to reverse state legislation, where required, to allow prayers in school to any god of a person's choosing—including, of course, the god of this world. After all, it is his will we made it this far, right? In order to ensure democratic principles prevail, we will conduct polling to ascertain the five most popular gods, and we will assign each a designated prayer day—Monday to Friday—when all children must pray to the same god. This will enable us to avoid conflicts of interest, in the event different faiths should make different requests to different deities on the same day.
It is our plan to confound the masses by reintroducing that most hideous of abominations—science-based policy. We will once more be spreading malicious rumours such as: climate change is real; the Earth is not flat; and global pandemics actually exist. In order that our enemies are given as little chance as possible to survive, we will outlaw the injection of life-saving bleach to COVID-19 patients.
We plan to re-target the introduction of affordable health care for everyone. This should ensure enough scum and down-and-outs survive to become future minions for our cause. We're going to destroy the fabric of society by requiring that billionaires pay taxes.
We'll continue to oppose the divine right to discriminate on the basis of not liking someone's skin colour, gender, age, social standing, religion, nationality or sexual orientation. Watch society disintegrate as we remove the fundamental human freedom of being a bigot.
It's a wonderful day, brothers and sisters. Rejoice and be happy!
Yours,
Lucy.
Yes, we've done it! We have thwarted the re-election plans of the Chosen One! It was a hard battle; but by fraud, deceit, theft and skulduggery we've ensured that he is now free to play golf 365 days a year. Not only that, but we have convinced millions upon millions of people that it's a perfectly normal thing for the press to call a winner in this race once a candidate appears to have an unassailable lead. The gullible fools!
This paves the way for all our diabolical plans to be realised. World domination will soon be ours! Our new Commander-In-Chief assures me he will waste no time in plotting the complete and utter destruction of everything that is good, nice and wholesome. We're going to start by hugely expanding our PizzaGate program. It's going to be renamed PizzaWall! Millions of children will immediately be rounded up by the most senior members of our party and sold into sexual slavery. We'll even have specially built cages to lock them in while they await their fate. Far better than those inferior cages our predecessors employed to lock children up.
We will triple the expenditure on construction of our FEMA death camps, where all those who oppose us will be sent. Container loads of body bags will be shipped in from the four corners of the globe post-haste in preparation. We are going to make the outgoing Commander's employment of law enforcement and military personnel for his own ends look like amateur hour.
Effective January 20, we'll be immediately confiscating everyone's guns. Lest we be thought completely cruel and heartless, we will be offering a trade-in arrangement, where they can be exchanged for NERF™ weapons. Let's see them fulfil their God-given right to murder innocent civilians and children with foam balls!
Furthermore, we are going to reverse state legislation, where required, to allow prayers in school to any god of a person's choosing—including, of course, the god of this world. After all, it is his will we made it this far, right? In order to ensure democratic principles prevail, we will conduct polling to ascertain the five most popular gods, and we will assign each a designated prayer day—Monday to Friday—when all children must pray to the same god. This will enable us to avoid conflicts of interest, in the event different faiths should make different requests to different deities on the same day.
It is our plan to confound the masses by reintroducing that most hideous of abominations—science-based policy. We will once more be spreading malicious rumours such as: climate change is real; the Earth is not flat; and global pandemics actually exist. In order that our enemies are given as little chance as possible to survive, we will outlaw the injection of life-saving bleach to COVID-19 patients.
We plan to re-target the introduction of affordable health care for everyone. This should ensure enough scum and down-and-outs survive to become future minions for our cause. We're going to destroy the fabric of society by requiring that billionaires pay taxes.
We'll continue to oppose the divine right to discriminate on the basis of not liking someone's skin colour, gender, age, social standing, religion, nationality or sexual orientation. Watch society disintegrate as we remove the fundamental human freedom of being a bigot.
It's a wonderful day, brothers and sisters. Rejoice and be happy!
Yours,
Lucy.
After years of having to listen to the most appalling nonsense, I *will* be nice, and extend the olive branch... tomorrow.
Perhaps even before all those who don't like to face reality stop the nonsense.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Perhaps even before all those who don't like to face reality stop the nonsense.
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