| Humor Fiction posted November 8, 2020 |
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Confessions to my Therapist
10 Rules for Male Happiness
by lancellot
One day my father came home early from the coal mines or the bar. I never could tell which. He turned off the television, sat beside me, and handed me a can of beer.
He said, “Son, you’ll turn eight tomorrow, almost a man. I’m going to give you the words of wisdom my dad gave to me.”
I saw that his eyes were red and bloodshot as he drank from what I was sure wasn’t his first can of beer. I set my unopened beer aside. “Um, Dad, you want me to go wake Mom and…”
“No, no; she doesn’t need to hear this.” He looked around the room. “My son, there are ten essential rules for male happiness. If you follow these rules, your life will be as successful as mine.
1) Always leave the toilet seat up. It’s your throne, be the king.
2) Pretty women are great; easy women are better. Don't tell your mother any of this.
3) Sleeping alone leads to wet dreams. Sleeping with sluts leads to strange things growing on your penis. Sleeping with virgins leads to frustration and then marriage. I’m not sure why I told you that.
4) Knock before entering our bedroom. Child therapy is too damn expensive. That’s what my dad always said.
5) Always have at least one smart friend to get you out of trouble. One slow friend to outrun and one ugly friend to make you look good.”
“Dad, what if I have a friend who’s smart, fast, and handsome?”
“What are you gay?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Where was I? Oh, yeah:
6) You only need one condom. No one uses condoms twice. Don’t ask; you’ll find out.
7) The truth will set you free. It will also get you fired, dumped, and divorced. Learn to lie. Learn to live with it.
8) Always save half of what you spend. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and you don’t have a college fund, sorry. Oh, don’t gamble or drink either. Maybe that should’ve been number one. Oh well.
“But, Dad you gave me a beer.”
“Yeah, are you going to finish that? Those aren’t cheap. Well, they are but… forget it. And stop interrupting. I'm dropping the knowledge.
9) Let people think you’re nicer than you are, but be smarter than they think you are. Trust me on this one.
10) Dad is always right.”
“But, Dad, Mom said…”
“Ah, ah... number ten, Son, number ten.”
With that done, my father took my unfinished beer and staggered off to his bedroom. He must have awoken my mom because there was some yelling at first. Then things got quiet, and I heard some squeaking and banging sounds. I remembered number four and decided to play hide-and-seek in an abandoned coal mine with my friends.
One day my father came home early from the coal mines or the bar. I never could tell which. He turned off the television, sat beside me, and handed me a can of beer.
He said, “Son, you’ll turn eight tomorrow, almost a man. I’m going to give you the words of wisdom my dad gave to me.”
I saw that his eyes were red and bloodshot as he drank from what I was sure wasn’t his first can of beer. I set my unopened beer aside. “Um, Dad, you want me to go wake Mom and…”
“No, no; she doesn’t need to hear this.” He looked around the room. “My son, there are ten essential rules for male happiness. If you follow these rules, your life will be as successful as mine.
1) Always leave the toilet seat up. It’s your throne, be the king.
2) Pretty women are great; easy women are better. Don't tell your mother any of this.
3) Sleeping alone leads to wet dreams. Sleeping with sluts leads to strange things growing on your penis. Sleeping with virgins leads to frustration and then marriage. I’m not sure why I told you that.
4) Knock before entering our bedroom. Child therapy is too damn expensive. That’s what my dad always said.
5) Always have at least one smart friend to get you out of trouble. One slow friend to outrun and one ugly friend to make you look good.”
“Dad, what if I have a friend who’s smart, fast, and handsome?”
“What are you gay?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Where was I? Oh, yeah:
6) You only need one condom. No one uses condoms twice. Don’t ask; you’ll find out.
7) The truth will set you free. It will also get you fired, dumped, and divorced. Learn to lie. Learn to live with it.
8) Always save half of what you spend. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and you don’t have a college fund, sorry. Oh, don’t gamble or drink either. Maybe that should’ve been number one. Oh well.
“But, Dad you gave me a beer.”
“Yeah, are you going to finish that? Those aren’t cheap. Well, they are but… forget it. And stop interrupting. I'm dropping the knowledge.
9) Let people think you’re nicer than you are, but be smarter than they think you are. Trust me on this one.
10) Dad is always right.”
“But, Dad, Mom said…”
“Ah, ah... number ten, Son, number ten.”
With that done, my father took my unfinished beer and staggered off to his bedroom. He must have awoken my mom because there was some yelling at first. Then things got quiet, and I heard some squeaking and banging sounds. I remembered number four and decided to play hide-and-seek in an abandoned coal mine with my friends.
He said, “Son, you’ll turn eight tomorrow, almost a man. I’m going to give you the words of wisdom my dad gave to me.”
I saw that his eyes were red and bloodshot as he drank from what I was sure wasn’t his first can of beer. I set my unopened beer aside. “Um, Dad, you want me to go wake Mom and…”
“No, no; she doesn’t need to hear this.” He looked around the room. “My son, there are ten essential rules for male happiness. If you follow these rules, your life will be as successful as mine.
1) Always leave the toilet seat up. It’s your throne, be the king.
2) Pretty women are great; easy women are better. Don't tell your mother any of this.
3) Sleeping alone leads to wet dreams. Sleeping with sluts leads to strange things growing on your penis. Sleeping with virgins leads to frustration and then marriage. I’m not sure why I told you that.
4) Knock before entering our bedroom. Child therapy is too damn expensive. That’s what my dad always said.
5) Always have at least one smart friend to get you out of trouble. One slow friend to outrun and one ugly friend to make you look good.”
“Dad, what if I have a friend who’s smart, fast, and handsome?”
“What are you gay?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Where was I? Oh, yeah:
6) You only need one condom. No one uses condoms twice. Don’t ask; you’ll find out.
7) The truth will set you free. It will also get you fired, dumped, and divorced. Learn to lie. Learn to live with it.
8) Always save half of what you spend. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and you don’t have a college fund, sorry. Oh, don’t gamble or drink either. Maybe that should’ve been number one. Oh well.
“But, Dad you gave me a beer.”
“Yeah, are you going to finish that? Those aren’t cheap. Well, they are but… forget it. And stop interrupting. I'm dropping the knowledge.
9) Let people think you’re nicer than you are, but be smarter than they think you are. Trust me on this one.
10) Dad is always right.”
“But, Dad, Mom said…”
“Ah, ah... number ten, Son, number ten.”
With that done, my father took my unfinished beer and staggered off to his bedroom. He must have awoken my mom because there was some yelling at first. Then things got quiet, and I heard some squeaking and banging sounds. I remembered number four and decided to play hide-and-seek in an abandoned coal mine with my friends.
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#202 2020 |
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