The Brightest pearl is She (Gungalo)
Chapter 19 of the book The Different Faces Of Love
You write with a great resonance of simple language and harmonious sound, with a skill of rhyme and excellent metaphor. I am treading on dangerous ground when I say, however, that the metre at times is disturbing, often requiring a pause to enable the reader to pick up the cadence of the beat. While I can agree that a pause, i.e. a missed beat, can be used for dramatic effect, such a device should be used sparingly and should never be used to fill in for a missing syllable, either weak or strong.
The basic tenor of your writing seems to be iambic heptameter, with occasional lines of an anapaest followed by iambic hexameter, both being conducive to smooth flow.
I have taken the liberty of analysing the first of your stanzas and changing some lines to achieve what I suggest is a smoother cadence. I would emphasise that these are suggestions for illustration only. Should you adopt the concept I am sure that a poet of your shown ability can find other/better words.
Hark, blue oceans and ageless seas; her destiny be bound
She comes, she comes with dignity; faint footsteps make() no sound
To your garden of tranquility; a place¬† kind souls betake
Where the starfish plays, as corals sway, and seashells softly quake
Sing, oh angels, sing AND let YOUR love anoint the dew
Whilst Cherubs dance; seahorses prance; her ode to life anew
Swirl you pools of wonder; open WIDE YOU gates of light
The darkness doth surrender, and PUTS DREADFUL pain TO flight
Sea urchins move in colour, WHILE the walrus bows in jest
As mermaids, tall, with creatures() small, await her sigh with zest
I hope you find these suggestions helpful
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014