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rhymelord

Encounter on the Moor by Nosha17

Excellent
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Dear Faye,
What a great yarn you tell and you draw a really true image of the Yorkshire moorland. Excellent rhyme and the metre is to die for.
Regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 27-Jul-2014

If Hippos Lived in Cities by adewpearl

Excellent
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Dear Brooke,
Perfect as always and again, your whimsy tempts me to respond in kind.

If hippos lived in cities,
There'd be no room for us
And they'd hog all the best seats
On every urban bus.

I hold no hate of hippos
I just prefer they'd stay
In their muddy, comfy rivers
In their country, far away.

And if you should invite me
To share your eating spot
Please don't invite a hippo
'cos I'm sure he'll eat the lot.

Regards
Reg

Comment Written by rhymelord on 27-Jul-2014

Before Amelia by Dean Kuch
Prologue of the book Breaking the Bonds

Excellent
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Dear Dean,
A fascinating and well spun yarn. I like the rhyme and metre of those stanzas in heavy type, but I am afraid that the metre in the 1st, 3rd and 5th stanzas is too variable to make easy reading. Otherwise, quite enjoyable.
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

The Ravenous Thief by acerisestory

Excellent
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Dear poet,
Your use of imagery and metaphor is excellent as you draw this dire picture. Your rhyming too is strong, but I must say that the metre/tempo varies considerably, which makes, for me, disjointed reading. I have taken the very great liberty of rephrasing your work and I hope that you can draw some benefit, not by adopting anything slavishly, but by thinking about your metre again.

Shadows his friends as they dim the light.
Fear his companion, arriving at night.
Stealthy and silent, he tips on his toes.
Vicious,voracious, but why, no one knows.

Munching at mem'ries, the ravenous beast
downs bits and pieces -- a tasty sweet feast!
Damage, destruction, one cannot define
why must the thief consume yet one more mind.
 
Regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

MH17 by royowen

Excellent
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Dear royowen,
Beautifully written in iambic tetrameter and firm rhymes, this poem portrays emotion and deep feeling for this terrible occurrence. I wonder though why you did not complete your magical rhyming touch in the first stanza. May I also suggest that the line:

"Rabbit trapped in a cruel snare"

scans better as:

"A rabbit trapped in cruel snare "

Regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

Love Song by Kaila Mari

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Dear poet,
A poem of beautiful expression with soft language and rhyme suitable to its ethos. May I point out however that the first stanza does not meet the requirement of rhyme abab (song versus convey). May I also suggest that the line:

"we still provide the beat, tempo and fire"

would have better cadence as:

"we still provide the tempo, beat and fire "

Your language is truly poetic and with the above points could be a real contender in the comp..

Regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

The True Story of Snow White: Part 2 by Pyrrho

Excellent
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Dear Pyrrho,
After our exhaustive exchange of messages, I can only conclude with the following:

There was once a young poet named Pyrrho
Who with Lim'ricks was more than a tyro
He could write brilliant verse
Somewhat raunchy (or worse)
That was outlawed from New York to Cairo

Best regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

The Brightest pearl is She (Gungalo) by RGstar
Chapter 19 of the book The Different Faces Of Love

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Dear RGstar,
You write with a great resonance of simple language and harmonious sound, with a skill of rhyme and excellent metaphor. I am treading on dangerous ground when I say, however, that the metre at times is disturbing, often requiring a pause to enable the reader to pick up the cadence of the beat. While I can agree that a pause, i.e. a missed beat, can be used for dramatic effect, such a device should be used sparingly and should never be used to fill in for a missing syllable, either weak or strong.

The basic tenor of your writing seems to be iambic heptameter, with occasional lines of an anapaest followed by iambic hexameter, both being conducive to smooth flow.

I have taken the liberty of analysing the first of your stanzas and changing some lines to achieve what I suggest is a smoother cadence. I would emphasise that these are suggestions for illustration only. Should you adopt the concept I am sure that a poet of your shown ability can find other/better words.

Hark, blue oceans and ageless seas; her destiny be bound
She comes, she comes with dignity; faint footsteps make() no sound
To your garden of tranquility; a place  kind souls betake
Where the starfish plays, as corals sway, and seashells softly quake
Sing, oh angels, sing AND let YOUR love anoint the dew
Whilst Cherubs dance; seahorses prance; her ode to life anew
Swirl you pools of wonder; open WIDE YOU gates of light
The darkness doth surrender, and PUTS DREADFUL pain TO flight
Sea urchins move in colour, WHILE the walrus bows in jest
As mermaids, tall, with creatures() small, await her sigh with zest

I hope you find these suggestions helpful

Best regards
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 26-Jul-2014

Lazy by closetpoetjester

Good
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Dear Phillippa,
Relax, mon cher. I'm with you there
On chaise longue or on day bed
Sometimes it's hard, to be a bard
So, that's it now. Enough said.

By the by, I notice you reviewed some limericks by pyrrho and found fault with his metre, with which he was not unduly pleased and, replying to other critiques, he seems to infer that one should not be critical of a work and then be so uncouth as to take the review money. He will not be happy with me then.

Personally, I love limericks and cannot stand it when the metre/stress detracts from the subject. I hope pyrrho, who has a great imagination, will learn better.

Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 25-Jul-2014

The True Story of Snow White by Pyrrho

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Dear Pyrrho,
The five stars are for the humorous writing and as such it could be easily six stars if the metre/cadence was stronger. You clearly have a vivid imagination and a delightfully dirty mind, but there are too many points at which one must insert a deliberate pause or a slurring of syllables, to make the poem flow.
Reg
Comment Written by rhymelord on 25-Jul-2014


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