The Crazy Cat
This is indeed a bold step and you have done it creditably. However, I would suggest that you reduce the line length to anapaestic tetrameter rather than the pentameter you use. Dr Seuss and Lewis Carroll use this form extensively, but keep their lines short. They also, occasionally, throw in an iamb if the flow looks right.
The following is a Seuss poem which is tetrameter split into two diameter lines:
I meant what I said
‚?®And I said what I meant....
‚?®An elephant's faithful
‚?®One hundred per cent!
Then our mother came in
‚?®And she said to us two,
‚?®"Did you have any fun?
‚?®Tell me. What did you do?"
and, at the risk of self aggrandisement, the following are from two of my posted poems, which contain iambic and anapaestic metre:
His name was O'Flaherty, the last of his line,
Which was spawned by the heroes of old
And they'd not known defeat in the whole of their time,
'Til he went for the leprechauns' gold.
It began in the pub on a Saturday night
And the Guinness was flowing like water,
When, bleary of eye in the dark, smoky light,
He first saw the pub owner's daughter.
The Sasquatch and the Monkey
He was hairy and scary and that wasn't all:
With not even shoes on, he stood ten feet tall.
But Erasmus Y Sasquatch had never worn shoes -
If he had he would have to buy broad forty-twos.
One day while out strolling, as Sasquatches do,
He met with a monkey, out rambling too.
Thought Erasmus, how strange can this Universe be.
This looks like a very small Sasquatch to me.
I would like to show you the effect of line shortening with one line of yours:
So, the cat put his brakes on, astounded and taken aback!
So, the cat put his brakes on, QUITE taken aback!
I do hope this helps, because I really like your work.
Comment Written by rhymelord on 10-Jun-2014