The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "The Piper, part 27"Young Adult Fantasy
13 total reviews
Comment from May 1
Wow, it sounds like he has stepped into wonderland. Wow, home sounds beautiful. Aww... it sounds like Redd-Leif and Melodica have such a beautiful relationship. That's such a nice way to end the chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Wow, it sounds like he has stepped into wonderland. Wow, home sounds beautiful. Aww... it sounds like Redd-Leif and Melodica have such a beautiful relationship. That's such a nice way to end the chapter.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
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Hi May 1,
Piper has stepped into a new world, unlike his old one for certain. I am happy you liked the ending.
Debi
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi debi. I'm glad that Piper has finally reunited with his parents. Your writing is clear and well described with good scene setting. Is this the end of your book? or will the story continue? Marilyn
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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Hi debi. I'm glad that Piper has finally reunited with his parents. Your writing is clear and well described with good scene setting. Is this the end of your book? or will the story continue? Marilyn
Comment Written 19-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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Hi Marilyn,
Thank you for the excellent review.
This chapter finally gets Piper to the faerie realm and starts the second half of the book. I'm shooting for 60,000 words which seems to be the length of a standard youth novel. Right now I'm at about 30,000. The second half of the book will deal with Piper in the faerie realm.
Piper will be finding out that the faerie realm as dangers of its own.
Thanks for asking and for following the story.
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Fantastic. Yes, it does seem that each type of writing has a specific word count to shoot for by the author. Excellent writing. Marilyn
Comment from tfawcus
The narrative is excellent and you have some great dialogue that brings out the personality of your characters. I'm thoroughly enjoying your story.
However, here are a few observations that you might like to think about (or not, as the case may be! LOL)
You flit between fairy, fae, and Fair Folk in a way that sometimes seems a little contrived.
Here, Fair Folk came in groups(,) and he was acting as if it were a normal occurrence. (comma because you are joining two main clauses)
we just saw an entire herd of them (To my way of thinking, 'herd' conjures up a group of hefty animals, such as elephants or cattle. Perhaps something a little lighter, like 'troupe', might sit better here.)
The boy seemed to want to unload information like river rapids racing for the falls (I loved this simile. It is so appropriate in the context.)
A flagstone path wide enough for three people to walk abreast led up to a decorated blue door. (This sentence seemed a bit clunky to me. Maybe omit 'people to walk')
A sweet(,) melodious song drifted toward them
a slender Elven female with dark green hair was working at the kitchen counter with her back to them, singing to herself. (Would 'elf' do here? We know she's female because of 'her back' and 'herself')
Then she looked over Redd-Leif's shoulder(,) and her eyes met Piper's. (as before, two main clauses)
This is such a well-told story. The enthusiasm and sense of wonder come through strongly. Much enjoyed.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
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The narrative is excellent and you have some great dialogue that brings out the personality of your characters. I'm thoroughly enjoying your story.
However, here are a few observations that you might like to think about (or not, as the case may be! LOL)
You flit between fairy, fae, and Fair Folk in a way that sometimes seems a little contrived.
Here, Fair Folk came in groups(,) and he was acting as if it were a normal occurrence. (comma because you are joining two main clauses)
we just saw an entire herd of them (To my way of thinking, 'herd' conjures up a group of hefty animals, such as elephants or cattle. Perhaps something a little lighter, like 'troupe', might sit better here.)
The boy seemed to want to unload information like river rapids racing for the falls (I loved this simile. It is so appropriate in the context.)
A flagstone path wide enough for three people to walk abreast led up to a decorated blue door. (This sentence seemed a bit clunky to me. Maybe omit 'people to walk')
A sweet(,) melodious song drifted toward them
a slender Elven female with dark green hair was working at the kitchen counter with her back to them, singing to herself. (Would 'elf' do here? We know she's female because of 'her back' and 'herself')
Then she looked over Redd-Leif's shoulder(,) and her eyes met Piper's. (as before, two main clauses)
This is such a well-told story. The enthusiasm and sense of wonder come through strongly. Much enjoyed.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
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Hi Tony,
Thanks for the helpful comments. I appreciate you taking the extra time to give such detailed information to help me improve my writing.
I guess I need to be more clear about the non-human races. I'll work on that. If you are having trouble with the terms others must be as well.
I appreciate the comments about punctuation and made the changes you suggest. I have also re-worked the sentences you pointed out.
Just FYI and you can ignore if you like:
I agree with you about "herd" as sounding odd for a group of fairies, but when I looked it up, a "herd" is the proper term when referring to a group of fairies. I might prefer a "flutter" or something else more fluffy. I like troupe. I might change it from herd anyway just because "herd" seems distracting, and the proper term isn't essential to the story.
Maybe, I'll include this information in the author notes, but you can ignore it if you like:
In this story, the following terms are used:
=Fair Folk refers to all non-human races, also called faerie. The Fae were the original race so all Fair Folk are some times called faerie (fae-rie).
=Fae is one distinct race among the Fair Folk. They are typically taller and more muscular than humans or elves. Redd-Leif is one of these.
=Fairy is also a distinct race. They are 1 to 3 inches tall and have wings.
=Elf is another distinct race. Physically, they are similar to humans in size.
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I didn't find your use of the various terms confusing. It was just that you seemed to be changing between them rther often in a short space of time. For this kind of story, I generally prefer 'faerie' to 'fairy', as the latter have such saccharine connotations these days. Although 'A Fae' is perfectly correct, I've more often seen the term used to describe the group rather than the individual i.e. 'one of the Fae'.
By the way, have you read Robert's book, Tales of the Scottish Wood, (rspoet)? It's a brilliant collection of Celtic tales, including several not previously posted on FS.
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Yes, I did read Robert's book. I loved it.
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Hi Tony,
Per your suggestion I have changed fairy to faerie.
I found a couple other sites that suggested different terms for a group of fairies. One was tizzy the other frolick. I think I'll go with frolick.
Thanks again for the close read and the suggestions.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-A very good chapter, Debi, with
lots of effective, visual imagery.
-Piper seems happy, and those
they pass are happy to see him.
-It is a pleasant place, and people
are friendly to one another, and also polite.
-There is beauty and peace in the surroundings
as they continue their journey.
-Lynx can certainly talk, but you
make it so the dialogue flows smoothly.
-I like this image: "unload information like
river rapids racing for the falls."
-Nice description of the cottage, and
then finally, they are home.
-More excellent description as Piper
describes Melodica: I like how you
incorporate Piper's reaction to the song:
"but something about the music was . . . familiar."
-I couldn't help but think of his grandfather and
the flute- things that seem so distant now.
-Even Piper picks up a bit of
melancholy in Melodica's singing.
-I think at this point anything is
possible,and probably is!
-Well done, my friend.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
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-A very good chapter, Debi, with
lots of effective, visual imagery.
-Piper seems happy, and those
they pass are happy to see him.
-It is a pleasant place, and people
are friendly to one another, and also polite.
-There is beauty and peace in the surroundings
as they continue their journey.
-Lynx can certainly talk, but you
make it so the dialogue flows smoothly.
-I like this image: "unload information like
river rapids racing for the falls."
-Nice description of the cottage, and
then finally, they are home.
-More excellent description as Piper
describes Melodica: I like how you
incorporate Piper's reaction to the song:
"but something about the music was . . . familiar."
-I couldn't help but think of his grandfather and
the flute- things that seem so distant now.
-Even Piper picks up a bit of
melancholy in Melodica's singing.
-I think at this point anything is
possible,and probably is!
-Well done, my friend.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
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Hi Pam,
Thank you so much for the six star rating and the detailed review, especially about the descriptions and visual imagery.
Lynx is fun to write since he rambles all over the place when he talks.
Yes, Piper gets a happy chapter. Walking into a fairy tale realm should be a moment of wonder.
Thank you for the positive reaction to this chapter. It means a lot to me that you keep following the story.
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You are very welcome and deserving, Debi. I wonder if Lynx is a reminder of someone you know! He is a fun and enthusiastic character. I agree with you about the fairy tale aspect; I think we could all use one at one time or another. You are very welcome for the support. You have a good thing going with this story.
Comment from JudyE
This is beautifully written and the ending really tugged at my heart.
I do have a very few suggestions:
"Welcome to Elf Haven," a deep base voice said - spelling - should be 'deep bass voice'
The room was decorated with flowers, some in pots and others appeared to grow right out of the walls - I might have said 'while others appeared'
Redd-Leif walked over and put his arms around her waist, and rested his cheek next to hers. - delete the first 'and'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
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This is beautifully written and the ending really tugged at my heart.
I do have a very few suggestions:
"Welcome to Elf Haven," a deep base voice said - spelling - should be 'deep bass voice'
The room was decorated with flowers, some in pots and others appeared to grow right out of the walls - I might have said 'while others appeared'
Redd-Leif walked over and put his arms around her waist, and rested his cheek next to hers. - delete the first 'and'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 18-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
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Hi Judy,
Thank you for the wonderful review and the suggestions for improvement, especially the word "bass". I accompany my church choir so how I missed that I don't know. LOL
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I thought this was a nice read. Melodica is a fitting name for someone who likes singing. Sounds like Piper inherited the musical talent. Interested to read more of this.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
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I thought this was a nice read. Melodica is a fitting name for someone who likes singing. Sounds like Piper inherited the musical talent. Interested to read more of this.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
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Thank you for the kind comments and analysis. I am happy to hear the story interests you. Thank you so much.
Debi
Comment from juliaSjames
What a wonderful homecoming, even though Piper doesn't know it. Your descriptions are so vivid that the reader feels immersed in the fae world. Truly magical. Piper has lost his grandfather but gained his real family and perhaps a new life.
A satisfying chapter.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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What a wonderful homecoming, even though Piper doesn't know it. Your descriptions are so vivid that the reader feels immersed in the fae world. Truly magical. Piper has lost his grandfather but gained his real family and perhaps a new life.
A satisfying chapter.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Hi Julia,
That you for the encouraging comments. I am happy to hear you enjoyed this chapter.
Debi
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Awwww, that is so precious. Piper is meeting his mother for the first time. He is in a wonderful world now. One alien to him, but what a delight to see. Will he get to remain there or only visit? We will soon know! Well done Debi. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Awwww, that is so precious. Piper is meeting his mother for the first time. He is in a wonderful world now. One alien to him, but what a delight to see. Will he get to remain there or only visit? We will soon know! Well done Debi. Nancy:)
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Hi Nancy,
Thank you for the wonderful six star review and the encouraging comments. It means a lot coming from an accomplished writer such as you.
Debi
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello w.j.debi
I felt like I was in a magical land where fairy with their tiny wings, the elves, the Fae,the brownies, sprites, gnomes, dwarfs seemed so filled with joy, with the lovely flowers, the sun filling a room in a cottage adorned with and decorated with flowers, some in pots and others appeared to grow right out the wall.
Thank you for taking me into in a fantasy world
Gert
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Hello w.j.debi
I felt like I was in a magical land where fairy with their tiny wings, the elves, the Fae,the brownies, sprites, gnomes, dwarfs seemed so filled with joy, with the lovely flowers, the sun filling a room in a cottage adorned with and decorated with flowers, some in pots and others appeared to grow right out the wall.
Thank you for taking me into in a fantasy world
Gert
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Hi Gert,
Thank you for the excellent review. I am happy to hear you could visualize the faerie world and its inhabitants and it made you happy.
Debi
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Hi w.j.debi
smiles and you are welcome.
Gert
Comment from Mary Ann McPhedran
Thank you for sharing your well written and display story. I love the theme of the story, and you captured my interest all the way to the end. A joy to read.Mary Ann.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Thank you for sharing your well written and display story. I love the theme of the story, and you captured my interest all the way to the end. A joy to read.Mary Ann.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
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Hi Mary Ann,
Thank you for the u so much for the generous six star rating and your encouraging comments. I am happy to hear you enjoyed this chapter. Have a great day!
Debi
