Curiosity Can Be Dangerous
Animal Crackers Club17 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Okay, let's begin -- you know me, corrections first, when it's not a short read.
Your charming tale has begun with a small error -- that first sentence, so here's my suggestion: "..., the kind of day that turtles love so they can..."
Next, one tiny word that's missing -- "... as (a) warning to..."
Next, not an error, but still something to consider -- instead of "...(as) a ramp, why not (and) a ramp..."
Uh oh -- where did Clarabell come from? That's a little more serious (called a plot flaw). You haven't introduced the character before giving her dialogue. It's easily fixed with a few words, but necessary.
Oh dear, Yvonne. What happened to Clarabell? Or was the error merely you mistakenly calling one of your two main protagonists by the wrong name?
All in all it's an excellent story, but these tweaks are needed. I hope you aren't offended. You know I only spend the little time I have available (thanks to chronic pain and sitting in one spot too long) on a long review when I am enthralled by the story or poem!!! This one is great; just needs a brush-up.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Okay, let's begin -- you know me, corrections first, when it's not a short read.
Your charming tale has begun with a small error -- that first sentence, so here's my suggestion: "..., the kind of day that turtles love so they can..."
Next, one tiny word that's missing -- "... as (a) warning to..."
Next, not an error, but still something to consider -- instead of "...(as) a ramp, why not (and) a ramp..."
Uh oh -- where did Clarabell come from? That's a little more serious (called a plot flaw). You haven't introduced the character before giving her dialogue. It's easily fixed with a few words, but necessary.
Oh dear, Yvonne. What happened to Clarabell? Or was the error merely you mistakenly calling one of your two main protagonists by the wrong name?
All in all it's an excellent story, but these tweaks are needed. I hope you aren't offended. You know I only spend the little time I have available (thanks to chronic pain and sitting in one spot too long) on a long review when I am enthralled by the story or poem!!! This one is great; just needs a brush-up.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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I had changed the name from Bronwen to Clarabel, but changed it back again. I'll take a look at your suggestions. Thanks for your interest. I'm not offended. 8-)
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It's easy to get so caught up in our story as we write we don't realize we have done something in our head that we didn't transcribe onto paper(screen). It happens a lot, actually, especially with good writing.
The door to the vehicle slowly opened and a ramp was lowered to the ground. Out came a creature that was so strange, it defied description. It was small and purple with orange eyes and every color in the rainbow-colored hair. It waved one of its three arms and said, ?Don?t be afraid. I won?t hurt you. We can talk because I understand every language spoken on Earth, even yours.?
Bronwen and Mulberry edged closer together, and ***Clarabell asked,*** ?Who are you, and where did you come from?? (That sounds like Clarabell is a third protagonist, and nowhere previously is she mentioned.See what I mean?)
?I?m Drake,? the creature answered, ?and I can tell you where I?m from only if you board my vessel.?
?Don?t do it, Bronwen,? said Mulberry. ?It might never let you come back.?
?Not to worry,? whispered Bronwen. ?I have no intention of boarding that thing. On the count of three, turn and run fast as you can.? (Then the two run away, with no explanation as to where/what happened to Clarabell.)
Comment from Pantygynt
That's the way to write'em. To hell with the happy ending just have the aliens whip them off to wherever without argument. I was confused at first because I thought Bronwen would have been the rabbit because in the picture she has one.
Bronwen in Welsh means white breast you see.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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That's the way to write'em. To hell with the happy ending just have the aliens whip them off to wherever without argument. I was confused at first because I thought Bronwen would have been the rabbit because in the picture she has one.
Bronwen in Welsh means white breast you see.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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I should have thought of that, but I once had a rabbit named Mulberry, and I've always like the name Bronwen. We're stuck with the names now if they ever get back home. A possibility. Hmmmmm.
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I should have thought of that, but I once had a rabbit named Mulberry, and I've always like the name Bronwen. We're stuck with the names now if they ever get back home. A possibility. Hmmmmm.
Comment from judiverse
Oh, what a sad ending for the animals. They had decided to exercise caution and get away from the spacecraft, but unfortunately they didn't make it. They were such cute animals, too--the turtle and the rabbit are such endearing animals, and It would have been great to hear more from them. The animals were very caring of one another. I like the names, too--Bronwen and Mulberry. Very original. Great story. judi
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Oh, what a sad ending for the animals. They had decided to exercise caution and get away from the spacecraft, but unfortunately they didn't make it. They were such cute animals, too--the turtle and the rabbit are such endearing animals, and It would have been great to hear more from them. The animals were very caring of one another. I like the names, too--Bronwen and Mulberry. Very original. Great story. judi
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Thank you. Who knows? They might escape and get back home.
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That would be great. You could write another story about their escape. judi
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Oh no! Do you suppose they ended up turtle soup and rabbit stew? That is a different alien from the one we hear about all the time. You know... The little grays with the big eyes and four long fingers. Did they have thumbs? I never noticed. LOL Well done Yvonne. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Oh no! Do you suppose they ended up turtle soup and rabbit stew? That is a different alien from the one we hear about all the time. You know... The little grays with the big eyes and four long fingers. Did they have thumbs? I never noticed. LOL Well done Yvonne. Nancy:)
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Yes, three thumbs. lol. Thank you for a delightful review. Who knows? They might escape and get back home.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh, no -- poor Bronwen and Mulberry! :) ;) It's an alien abduction! :) ;) LOL! A very well-written little short to start the new year, Yvonne -- thanx for sharing, ma'am! :) :) Happy New Year Blessings from this corner of the world to yours! :) :) Yvette
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Oh, no -- poor Bronwen and Mulberry! :) ;) It's an alien abduction! :) ;) LOL! A very well-written little short to start the new year, Yvonne -- thanx for sharing, ma'am! :) :) Happy New Year Blessings from this corner of the world to yours! :) :) Yvette
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Thank you, and Happy New Year.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I don't like the ending at all. Poor little bunnies, captured by aliens, for what vile purpose? I would like to see them let out to run and tell their friends they were on a spaceship... anything but "never seen again"! Yikes!
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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I don't like the ending at all. Poor little bunnies, captured by aliens, for what vile purpose? I would like to see them let out to run and tell their friends they were on a spaceship... anything but "never seen again"! Yikes!
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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You never know what may happen. They might escape and get home again. Hmmmm. Thank for reviewing.
Comment from LIJ Red
I found a story for that club prompt that I had started back when...I think I'll change the names and post it...late is fine, I didn't see a deadline...this sounds like a UFO nut's worst dream....excellent prose.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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I found a story for that club prompt that I had started back when...I think I'll change the names and post it...late is fine, I didn't see a deadline...this sounds like a UFO nut's worst dream....excellent prose.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Thank you. Yes, do post yours. It's never too late.
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Damommy;
> Isn't reality a bitch? I mean, these two lovely furry creatures go hop in and bopping in the forest and come across some alien spaceship, who greets them kindly and then grabs them and puts them in a cage and takes them away off to some world, only God knows where. Yes, reality happens.
> Sometimes the truly knowledgeable that's expected is the first thing that's unexpected.
>Thanks for sharing this, my friend, and take care and have a good one.
Alx
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Cheers, Damommy;
> Isn't reality a bitch? I mean, these two lovely furry creatures go hop in and bopping in the forest and come across some alien spaceship, who greets them kindly and then grabs them and puts them in a cage and takes them away off to some world, only God knows where. Yes, reality happens.
> Sometimes the truly knowledgeable that's expected is the first thing that's unexpected.
>Thanks for sharing this, my friend, and take care and have a good one.
Alx
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Thank you for reviewing. Who knows? They might escape and come home.
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And what a tale they'll have after that exclusion!
Very welcome and happy new year, Damommy.
Alx
Comment from Mastery
Hmmmm. Scifi with animals? What is this world coming to? LOL
Good job on this story, Judy. clever in every respect. I am trying to think of what comic strip used to have the world of little creatures in it. Like ants and bugs etc. Yes, there was one, my friend. Bless you, Bob
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Hmmmm. Scifi with animals? What is this world coming to? LOL
Good job on this story, Judy. clever in every respect. I am trying to think of what comic strip used to have the world of little creatures in it. Like ants and bugs etc. Yes, there was one, my friend. Bless you, Bob
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Thank you, Bob. Appreciate the comments and review.
Yvonne
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Gulp! I called you Judy again. Why in the world is that do you think? Sorry, my friend. /Bob
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Please don't let it worry you. It doesn't bother me a bit. Truly. 8-)
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You are too kind, my friend. Bob
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No, just truthful. 8-)
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:) Bob
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
What a fun story, Yvonne, with a bit of a twist at the end. I love your sweet characters. You did a great job describing them through dialogue and actions. The ending does make sense. Hopefully, the tow are off on a great adventure. Thanks for sharing. Your picture is super. Jan
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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What a fun story, Yvonne, with a bit of a twist at the end. I love your sweet characters. You did a great job describing them through dialogue and actions. The ending does make sense. Hopefully, the tow are off on a great adventure. Thanks for sharing. Your picture is super. Jan
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Thank you. I'm a bit late with it. 8-)
