Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Mountain River Pours"Free verse poems
12 total reviews
Comment from Y. M. Roger
The imagery you've managed to pour into these few words/syllables is just awesome -- that is owed to your word-choice! :) ;) Like the idea of 'different' and still fit...I'm all for the original write and yours is really great - not that same ol', same ol' but still powerful in its form. :) ;) You could even change that last comma to a 'dash' and move fast to the last line...that's just the OCD in me making your short lines (1st, 3rd, 5th) meet the 5-3-5 pattern so, PLEASE don't think I'm trying to fix anything because I am NOT!! I seriously love what you've done with this Tanka and my mind just went there with this 'let's just see' game. :) :)
Thanks for sharing your wonderful creativity with all of us! :) ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
  |
The imagery you've managed to pour into these few words/syllables is just awesome -- that is owed to your word-choice! :) ;) Like the idea of 'different' and still fit...I'm all for the original write and yours is really great - not that same ol', same ol' but still powerful in its form. :) ;) You could even change that last comma to a 'dash' and move fast to the last line...that's just the OCD in me making your short lines (1st, 3rd, 5th) meet the 5-3-5 pattern so, PLEASE don't think I'm trying to fix anything because I am NOT!! I seriously love what you've done with this Tanka and my mind just went there with this 'let's just see' game. :) :)
Thanks for sharing your wonderful creativity with all of us! :) ;) Yvette
Comment Written 16-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
I do very much like to get suggestions so never hesitate to do that. I had another review that said the trailing 'in' before 'cataracts' left the reader hanging. I was thinking of trying this:
Mountain river pours
green and tumbles snow-white;
rapids clamor
on hurried journey west - bound fast
to meet the sea.
If you don't mind, I'd sure appreciate your take on this!
Carol
-
I really like it! Has a completely different lilt and flavor whilst maintaining your vivid imagery! :) I say go with it! :) ;) Yvette
-
Thanks Yvette! :))
-
Yes, ma'am! :)
Comment from Pantygynt
Overall this has a good tanka-like feel to it, but taken piecemeal, ending that second line, or any line really, with a preposition rarely can be right as it relies too much on the next line being there to make any sense at all. I have been guilty of this in the past I know.
I am not sure what o suggest because 'in cataracts' on its own doesn't work either. It might be better to do away with the 'in' altogether.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
|
Overall this has a good tanka-like feel to it, but taken piecemeal, ending that second line, or any line really, with a preposition rarely can be right as it relies too much on the next line being there to make any sense at all. I have been guilty of this in the past I know.
I am not sure what o suggest because 'in cataracts' on its own doesn't work either. It might be better to do away with the 'in' altogether.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
Well, the use of 'cataracts' alone kind of bothered me but I thought I'd try it. But since you say it doesn't really work too well, I thought I might try this...
Mountain river pours
green and tumbles snow-white;
rapids clamor
on hurried journey west, bound fast
to meet the sea.
-
This gets rid of the hanging 'in' and is a great improvement on the whole. 'Rapids clamor' is an excellent pivot but it isn't quite so good as a satori. The difficulty with these is to make it work as both. A good satori doesn't merelt follow logically but pulls the reader up short thinking, aha! I never thought of it that way. Many of mine, particularly the early ones were not successful in this way. If I were you I would leave this one as it is, try some more and then perhaps return to this and have another think.
Rapids clamour follows perfectly logically but doesn't offer a new view at the same time. Something like 'winter's warning' for example offers a new perspective on the rapids, linked logically to the 'snow white' of the previous line, and still works logically with the second part of the tanka while offering a new perspective at that point. I hope I have made myself clear.
-
What I like about the word 'cataracts' was that as an unusual word, it might make people think more than 'rapids'. But I didn't want to say 'cataracts clamor'. As you say, I might leave this one and move onward.
-
I like the alliteration of cataracts clamor but of course that is something we are supposed to use sparingly in Japanese poetry, but I often wonder why, and don't bother much with mine. Lol.
-
there are too many rules in Jap. poetry which is why I usually avoid it. Maybe it's time for a new form, one that is brief like tanka, but allow alliteration and has no strict syllable count requirement. Anyway I decided to use 'cataracts riot' - and that's it for now!
-
I need you on my tanka class, starting next Friday. We are bound for the same place clearly!
-
Lol, What should we all the new form?
-
Oh I think we should continue to call it a tanka, it will probably be nearer the original than a lot of those with all the rules that never got nearer to Japan than Pearl Harbour.
Comment from CD Richards
Hi Carol,
A very good tanka, which flows nicely (rather like the subject of your poem). Aren't mountain rivers delightful things? If we are lucky enough to see them, it's usually before they had a chance to travel far enough to be filled up with all our trash and effluent.
At first I thought, "Is a single word -- cataracts -- enough to act as a satori, and pivot?" I think you've convinced me.
Well done :)
Craig
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
|
Hi Carol,
A very good tanka, which flows nicely (rather like the subject of your poem). Aren't mountain rivers delightful things? If we are lucky enough to see them, it's usually before they had a chance to travel far enough to be filled up with all our trash and effluent.
At first I thought, "Is a single word -- cataracts -- enough to act as a satori, and pivot?" I think you've convinced me.
Well done :)
Craig
Comment Written 16-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
I was wondering about the single word too but I couldn't think of a good word to go with it. Tell me (if you don't mind) what you think of this. I used rapids instead of cataracts to avoid the alliteration.
Mountain river pours
green and tumbles snow-white;
rapids clamor
on hurried journey west - bound fast
to meet the sea.
Thanks :))
-
I prefer the updated version :)
-
Oops, I meant I preferred the version with 'rapids', but I see you've added 'riot' to the original. Either works well, though if you held a gun to my head and forced me to pick, I'd go for rapids lol
-
I changed it again, ha ha. Now it's 'cataracts riot'. Now I'm leaving it alone! :)
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for vividly tracing the course of the river in this tanka. I appreciated its concise style and us of colors. The picture you selected reinforces the theme well. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
|
Thank you for vividly tracing the course of the river in this tanka. I appreciated its concise style and us of colors. The picture you selected reinforces the theme well. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 16-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
Isn't the picture nice? The river was SO beautiful and just raging - deserving of at least one verse :))
Carol
-
Definitely! Enjoy the remainder of your Sunday and sweet dreams- Joan
Comment from Mastery
Beautiful image here, Carol. spelled out perfectly and it does create a very beautiful image. Some of the most beautiful scenery I ever witnessed was near Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Bless you, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
|
Beautiful image here, Carol. spelled out perfectly and it does create a very beautiful image. Some of the most beautiful scenery I ever witnessed was near Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Bless you, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
Thank you, Bob, Jackson is really beautiful. I spent a few days there years ago, did some amazing hikes and a couple of rock climbs. Just like Montana, big mountains, lakes, raging rivers ...wonderful :))
Carol
Comment from Gloria ....
A gorgeous tanka, Carol and isn't the river spectacular?
In my estimation this is a perfect example of a tanka with the concrete imagery in the first two lines with the pivoting cataracts leading to the poets sense of urgency and freedom, to get to the sea.
The Japanese forms still remain high on my list of favourites and your poem is exactly why.
Love it.
Gloria
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
|
A gorgeous tanka, Carol and isn't the river spectacular?
In my estimation this is a perfect example of a tanka with the concrete imagery in the first two lines with the pivoting cataracts leading to the poets sense of urgency and freedom, to get to the sea.
The Japanese forms still remain high on my list of favourites and your poem is exactly why.
Love it.
Gloria
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2018
-
Thank you Gloria, I actually changed it slightly - I was just not completely happy about that pivot line, and Jim pointed it out too. I appreciate your comments and support :))
Mountain river pours
green and tumbles snow-white;
cataracts riot
on hurried journey west, bound fast
to meet the sea.
Comment from royowen
An excellent tanka again Carole, you know, I would love to see through th eyes of a Japanese poet, I suppose they do their syllable count through the vowel sounds, thanks again Carol, you've got me thinking again, we need to be linguists as well as poets. Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
|
An excellent tanka again Carole, you know, I would love to see through th eyes of a Japanese poet, I suppose they do their syllable count through the vowel sounds, thanks again Carol, you've got me thinking again, we need to be linguists as well as poets. Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
-
The Japanese language is so different, they even have characters too I think. Thanks for reading this one, Roy,
Carol
-
Well done Carol
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written Tanka on the birth of all rivers that starts at one point and start flowing towards the ocean as fast as possible it seems all the rivers start at a higher altitude so that it can flow downhill.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
|
A very well-written Tanka on the birth of all rivers that starts at one point and start flowing towards the ocean as fast as possible it seems all the rivers start at a higher altitude so that it can flow downhill.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
-
Yes they start high in the mountains. In fact, there is a triple point in Montana where water is able to flow in three directions - to the east, southwest to the Pacific and west (northwest?) to Canada.
Thanks for your review :))
Carol
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
A lovely read Carol, and I'm sure it is a correct tanka if Jim says so LOL. I have only attempted a 5/7/5/7/7. Good enjambment throughout and a lovely display. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
|
A lovely read Carol, and I'm sure it is a correct tanka if Jim says so LOL. I have only attempted a 5/7/5/7/7. Good enjambment throughout and a lovely display. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
-
I just go with whatever Jim says, lol. I love doing tankas this way! If they are not tankas, I'll call them something else and keep at it :))
Carol
Comment from Nanny 6
You did a fabulous job at describing a river with its color green and then turning white as it splashes over rocks making its quick journey to the sea, I love this poem and wish you very good luck in the contest!
Judy
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
 |
You did a fabulous job at describing a river with its color green and then turning white as it splashes over rocks making its quick journey to the sea, I love this poem and wish you very good luck in the contest!
Judy
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
-
Hi Judy, it's not in a contest but I very much appreciate the six stars! The picture is of the river I was thinking about - so beautiful. I just looked on a map and realized it's called McDonald Creek :))
Thank you :))
Carol
-
McDonald river, I have to check that out, it?s beautiful. And if you were in a contest this would win it ; )
-
West Glacier. SO beautiful!!
