Scenes
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "Scene at a Animal Shelter"Pons and Ned meet at different locations
10 total reviews
Comment from Lance Polin
This could be really funny. You are focusing too much on the lingo and broken jargon of Ned. It does not come across as natural speech. There is great opportunity to make this a fascinating character. Perhaps you might wish to listen more to how people speak in coded apostrophes and acronyms. Let the guy breathe. He's trying too damn hard--
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
   |
This could be really funny. You are focusing too much on the lingo and broken jargon of Ned. It does not come across as natural speech. There is great opportunity to make this a fascinating character. Perhaps you might wish to listen more to how people speak in coded apostrophes and acronyms. Let the guy breathe. He's trying too damn hard--
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
-
Thanks, Lance. I have to review all of the Ned and Pons? scenes as Ned?s regional dialect is a moving target.
Comment from barkingdog
If this is a script that will continue, it's fine.
But otherwise, it needs a conclusion.
Word play(flavvercasted) isn't enough since the reader was led to believe they were getting a kitten.
:)e
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
|
If this is a script that will continue, it's fine.
But otherwise, it needs a conclusion.
Word play(flavvercasted) isn't enough since the reader was led to believe they were getting a kitten.
:)e
Comment Written 13-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
-
It?s over, BD. Ned and Pons have unrelated sc3nes that pop up all the time. Ned always has the last word and it?s always dumb.
Comment from l.d.lauritzen
Humorous, fun, liked the pacing. Even though you are restricted a little by using a script format I wonder if you can't bring in more visuals of the setting and the animals by working observations into the discussion. Most have definite smells, equipment, animals. even the people who work there are kind of a different breed. Not to mention the volunteers. In my writing groups, I've been raked over the coals for caricatures-if these two are black men-get ready for some lashes.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
|
Humorous, fun, liked the pacing. Even though you are restricted a little by using a script format I wonder if you can't bring in more visuals of the setting and the animals by working observations into the discussion. Most have definite smells, equipment, animals. even the people who work there are kind of a different breed. Not to mention the volunteers. In my writing groups, I've been raked over the coals for caricatures-if these two are black men-get ready for some lashes.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
-
Pons and Ned are regular fixtures around here. This is totally dialogue driven with minimal description beyond setting. Thanks fo4 your kind review and constructive critique.
Comment from nomi338
It is somewhat and somehow reassuring to see and know that Ned has not gotten any smarter over time, he is still refreshingly dumb as heck. But hey, one can be dumb as a doorknob and still be entertaining, such is the case with my guy Ned.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
|
It is somewhat and somehow reassuring to see and know that Ned has not gotten any smarter over time, he is still refreshingly dumb as heck. But hey, one can be dumb as a doorknob and still be entertaining, such is the case with my guy Ned.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
-
Thanks, nomi. I try to make him brighter, but is just too dim.
Comment from lyenochka
I sure hope Ned knows how to care for the kitten that knows him by name. I would think it would be easier for a cat to say "Ned" than to say "Pons." Pons is such a dedicated cousin.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
|
I sure hope Ned knows how to care for the kitten that knows him by name. I would think it would be easier for a cat to say "Ned" than to say "Pons." Pons is such a dedicated cousin.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2018
-
He has the patience of a fictional character.
Comment from royowen
Just love Pons and Ned. They remind me of some of the conversations some of my drunken mates would have, thinking they were Australia's answer to Aristottle or Plato. You're very clever at the circular conversation between these two. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
Just love Pons and Ned. They remind me of some of the conversations some of my drunken mates would have, thinking they were Australia's answer to Aristottle or Plato. You're very clever at the circular conversation between these two. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Thank you very much, Roy.
Comment from judiverse
This is cute. You might go a tad easier on Ned's speech. We get the idea that he's not too bright Great to have the scene at an animal shelter. I agree with Ned that you know when a dog or cat is calling to you, but it is a non-verbal communication that you can sense. Glad Ned's thought of an animal shelter to find a cat. He probably won't go wrong, whichever he selects. Funny that Ponz's remarks pass right over Ned. Fun dialogue. judi
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
This is cute. You might go a tad easier on Ned's speech. We get the idea that he's not too bright Great to have the scene at an animal shelter. I agree with Ned that you know when a dog or cat is calling to you, but it is a non-verbal communication that you can sense. Glad Ned's thought of an animal shelter to find a cat. He probably won't go wrong, whichever he selects. Funny that Ponz's remarks pass right over Ned. Fun dialogue. judi
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Thanks, Judi. Ned?s speech has swayed from one extreme to ?anudder? since he first appeared.
-
You're welcome. Sometimes just a little dab of NedSpeak will give you the idea. judi
Comment from damommy
Ned has his own language, and in his own way, he's smart. If he hears the cat calling his name, he should definitely take it home. I admire Pons' patience with Ned. Always amusing stories about these two.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
Ned has his own language, and in his own way, he's smart. If he hears the cat calling his name, he should definitely take it home. I admire Pons' patience with Ned. Always amusing stories about these two.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Ned is farce of nature.
Comment from Hugh McDowell
Love the dialogue these two have. Each has a little grasp of reality, obviously not the same. I've met several "animal" people that think like Ned. So many good lines here, I'll pick just one of my favorites; Pons: Sounds like its saying 'mew'. Ned: Maybe dats my gat name. I'm still laughing. Reminds me a bit of the old classic, Who's on First? Excellent. Hugh
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
Love the dialogue these two have. Each has a little grasp of reality, obviously not the same. I've met several "animal" people that think like Ned. So many good lines here, I'll pick just one of my favorites; Pons: Sounds like its saying 'mew'. Ned: Maybe dats my gat name. I'm still laughing. Reminds me a bit of the old classic, Who's on First? Excellent. Hugh
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
Thanks, Hugh.
Comment from Earl Corp
This is the first script I Have reviewed. I think the frightening piece of this is I understood Every word that they spoke.I imagine this is your entry into the "dialogue only script contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
|
This is the first script I Have reviewed. I think the frightening piece of this is I understood Every word that they spoke.I imagine this is your entry into the "dialogue only script contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
-
ACTUALLY, Ned and Pons are a regular installment.
