Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Sir Alfred's prodigal son"Historical fiction
5 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
"Eames ", (commas always go inside the parentheses)
come va..come va Nonna Betsey (when using an elipses it is done like come va ... come va Nonna Betsey--three dots with a space before and after)
"Darling Lady Betsey, it is time to search for Lord Airdale, the matter is now urgent". (the second comma should be a semi-colon or else this should be two sentences.
An interesting and well written story. A bit of work remains on the punctuation, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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"Eames ", (commas always go inside the parentheses)
come va..come va Nonna Betsey (when using an elipses it is done like come va ... come va Nonna Betsey--three dots with a space before and after)
"Darling Lady Betsey, it is time to search for Lord Airdale, the matter is now urgent". (the second comma should be a semi-colon or else this should be two sentences.
An interesting and well written story. A bit of work remains on the punctuation, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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Thanks first of all, for reading and for such useful suggestions zanya
Comment from Ulla
Hi zanya, I really like the story and the old fashion setting it's taking place in . I have a few suggestions though:
and Giovann's lesson should have ended already. = and Giovanni's lesson should have ended already.
He raced towards Lady Betsey's outstretched arms. = He raced towards her outstretched arms. You've already mentioned her name in the previous sentence.
Lady Betsey's face lit up with pride = Her face lit up with pride ... We know it's Lady Betsey, so no need to repeat her name.
Sir Alfred", Lady Betsey said ," It is getting late . = It's getting late.
You repeat their names all the time. Look above. I like the story a lot though. Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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Hi zanya, I really like the story and the old fashion setting it's taking place in . I have a few suggestions though:
and Giovann's lesson should have ended already. = and Giovanni's lesson should have ended already.
He raced towards Lady Betsey's outstretched arms. = He raced towards her outstretched arms. You've already mentioned her name in the previous sentence.
Lady Betsey's face lit up with pride = Her face lit up with pride ... We know it's Lady Betsey, so no need to repeat her name.
Sir Alfred", Lady Betsey said ," It is getting late . = It's getting late.
You repeat their names all the time. Look above. I like the story a lot though. Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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Ulla - great - thanks for taking time to read and critique - very much appreciated zanya
Comment from Adri7enne
It is pretty well paced, with lots of dialogue, which is the ideal way to move a story along and develop characters. There are a few spots where you tend to repeat yourself, not trusting your reader to know where you're going with the story.
"He was holding his special, grey quill and writing busily." Try this: "He was holding his special, grey quill, BUSILY WRITING.
Lady Betsey made her way inside the Manor, briefly stopping for a moment outside the study door,( where Sir Alfred was still busy writing.") You could remove that bit. Trust the reader to remember that's where Alfred is.
"Lady Betsey",Sanders said. The comma should be inside the quotation marks. "Lady Betsy," Sanders said, "Giovanni...
In writing dialogue, everything the character says is inside the quotation marks, including the punctuation, such as commas and periods. The quotation marks enclose the entire quote. I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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It is pretty well paced, with lots of dialogue, which is the ideal way to move a story along and develop characters. There are a few spots where you tend to repeat yourself, not trusting your reader to know where you're going with the story.
"He was holding his special, grey quill and writing busily." Try this: "He was holding his special, grey quill, BUSILY WRITING.
Lady Betsey made her way inside the Manor, briefly stopping for a moment outside the study door,( where Sir Alfred was still busy writing.") You could remove that bit. Trust the reader to remember that's where Alfred is.
"Lady Betsey",Sanders said. The comma should be inside the quotation marks. "Lady Betsy," Sanders said, "Giovanni...
In writing dialogue, everything the character says is inside the quotation marks, including the punctuation, such as commas and periods. The quotation marks enclose the entire quote. I hope this helps.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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Superb- and thanks for taking time to read and critique zanya
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
"Yes Ma'am", Mrs Goodwood replied," can't say as I understand a word.
Lady Betsey pushed the door of the study, gently, where Sir Alfred was still hard at work."Sir Alfred", Lady Betsey said ," It is getting late . I have so much news to tell you from Lady Mathilde's wedding. Shall we repair to the dining room for supper?"
Sir Alfred stood up behind his desk and came and put his arms around Lady Betsey"Darling Lady Betsey, it is time to search for Lord Airdale, the matter is now urgent".The couple strode, arm in arm, towards the dining room...this is impeccably clever. Brilliantly written well done I shall certainly look out for more of your work you are quite a talent love and regards Meia x
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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"Yes Ma'am", Mrs Goodwood replied," can't say as I understand a word.
Lady Betsey pushed the door of the study, gently, where Sir Alfred was still hard at work."Sir Alfred", Lady Betsey said ," It is getting late . I have so much news to tell you from Lady Mathilde's wedding. Shall we repair to the dining room for supper?"
Sir Alfred stood up behind his desk and came and put his arms around Lady Betsey"Darling Lady Betsey, it is time to search for Lord Airdale, the matter is now urgent".The couple strode, arm in arm, towards the dining room...this is impeccably clever. Brilliantly written well done I shall certainly look out for more of your work you are quite a talent love and regards Meia x
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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Thanks for the encouraging commentary zanya
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hi Zanya, a lovely well-written piece of prose, elegant and easy to read. I enjoyed it and your characters and their dialogue which does a great job of showing the story. I only saw one thing I will bring to your attention and it's this:
" Did you have a pleasant stay in London, ma'am at Lady Mathilde's wedding to Marquis Gregoire? " Eames enquired.
I presume Eames knows about the wedding, so do you think he would say all of that, wouldn't he just say, 'Did you have a pleasant stay in London for the wedding?'
And you need a break between that piece of dialogue and the next. I noticed nothing else but that, but I do know dialogue should be as realistic as possible with the boring bits taken out.
cheers, and enjoy the rest of your day, Ana.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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Hi Zanya, a lovely well-written piece of prose, elegant and easy to read. I enjoyed it and your characters and their dialogue which does a great job of showing the story. I only saw one thing I will bring to your attention and it's this:
" Did you have a pleasant stay in London, ma'am at Lady Mathilde's wedding to Marquis Gregoire? " Eames enquired.
I presume Eames knows about the wedding, so do you think he would say all of that, wouldn't he just say, 'Did you have a pleasant stay in London for the wedding?'
And you need a break between that piece of dialogue and the next. I noticed nothing else but that, but I do know dialogue should be as realistic as possible with the boring bits taken out.
cheers, and enjoy the rest of your day, Ana.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2018
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Very useful suggestions - thanks for taking time to read zanya
