Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The italian letter"Historical fiction
3 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Zanya, I read this chapter with great interest and I can see that it's exciting if Giovanni's parentage could be discovered. My only concern is that it's a bit telling.I would like to see more showing. Use the five senses to describe a situation. I hope this helps. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Hi Zanya, I read this chapter with great interest and I can see that it's exciting if Giovanni's parentage could be discovered. My only concern is that it's a bit telling.I would like to see more showing. Use the five senses to describe a situation. I hope this helps. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Great piece of advice Ulla - glad you enjoyed it zanya
Comment from Henry King
This is an excellent story about the parentage of a young boy. Is he or is he not the son of a deceased landed English gentleman. The period was right after World War I and of course genetic matching was not yet discovered at that time. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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This is an excellent story about the parentage of a young boy. Is he or is he not the son of a deceased landed English gentleman. The period was right after World War I and of course genetic matching was not yet discovered at that time. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Enjoyed this review - how engaging it is with the events of the chapter -encouraging ! YES genetic matching is so recent -wonder how they proved paternity then - just by physical features !zanya
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You are welcome. Catherine Medici, 14 years old and right out of the convent and her reluctant husband, the King of France, had every coupling observed by a Bishop and at least one other person. I can just imagine.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A nice continuation of the story you've penned here. Will she really want to know and moreover, what will the Dowager make of it... can she be trusted?
On April 26th England celebrated the wedding - perhaps insert a comma after the date.
of Prince Albert , Duke of York to Lady - ideally another comma after York (appositive comma).
to the squeals of delight of five year old, Giovanni, - you don't need the first comma here.
I did notice that you use was/had a fair bit here. these can slow down the writing and are indicative of telling over showing. Writing around them can make things much more direct and immersive for the reader.
Lady Betsey guarded the sealed envelope, that fell from Giovanni's blanket, on that first day at Briarly, five years earlier. - I think you have too many commas in here.
Could this be proof of parentage ?- spacing at the end here.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Hi there,
A nice continuation of the story you've penned here. Will she really want to know and moreover, what will the Dowager make of it... can she be trusted?
On April 26th England celebrated the wedding - perhaps insert a comma after the date.
of Prince Albert , Duke of York to Lady - ideally another comma after York (appositive comma).
to the squeals of delight of five year old, Giovanni, - you don't need the first comma here.
I did notice that you use was/had a fair bit here. these can slow down the writing and are indicative of telling over showing. Writing around them can make things much more direct and immersive for the reader.
Lady Betsey guarded the sealed envelope, that fell from Giovanni's blanket, on that first day at Briarly, five years earlier. - I think you have too many commas in here.
Could this be proof of parentage ?- spacing at the end here.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Yes you're right ! too much 'was/had'- needs a touch up- most encouraging commentary zanya
