Comment from Pamusart

Exceptional

Hi Craig. This is my last six star rating. What a wonderful entry for the share a story contest. I enjoyed every bit of it. I could say this is my favorite verse but I would have to paste your entire poem. Splendid. Top notch. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks so much for the lovely comments, Pam, and for parting with your last six for the week - that's very much appreciated :) Cheers, Craig

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

*Smiles* Great job with the retelling of the days of creation in verse! I do sympathize that humankind has made a wreck out of all the beauty of the creation we were to be caretakers of. But faith tells me that God foresaw the fall and all the terrible things to come but still went ahead anyway because He knew how He planned to redeem.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks for the very kind and positive review, Helen. To my thinking, that makes it all about us. And although that's the way we've chosen to view things, in the end, I think reality will prove differently. Nevertheless, it was fun retelling the story. Much gratitude - Craig

Comment from BeasPeas

Exceptional

Hi Craig. I think this is a marvelous poem, written and rhymed well. Rhythm is amazing and you've carried the reader right along through the entire creation. Call me crazy, and you probably will, but I think man is probably ambling along pretty much the way God expected when he created us--he did give us free will--what we do with it is up to us. Marilyn

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Ambling, stumbling - what's in a word? Many thanks for the wonderfully kind words and the delightful rating, Marilyn. Cheers - Craig

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Love this:

with guidance from
the Architect's great hand.


and so ended day five.

Scansion seems slightly forced on the word ENDED. Maybe try:

and so did end day five.


Your punctuation choices are all excellent. Just a few minor suggestions:

But as the Lord God vocalised,
to speak one into being;(,)
a fierce and mighty singultus
sent all the creatures fleeing.

Now(,) in creation, all is great
and wondrous to behold;(,)
save one thing that may seal Earth's fate,(no ,)
and see this world grow cold.

*
scansion forced here:

from one divine hiccup;

hiCCUP is forced. Should be HIccup

Superb pivot here:

Instead of something wonderful,
things did not go to plan;
for from that slip was born that day,
a creature known as "man".


The ending note is effective. however, been and clean don't sound like a rhyme read aloud. I don't th9ink they make a strong slant rhyme. I suggest rethinking that rhyme pair, but it's also fine to keep.

Overall, great rhymes and internal rhymes as well. Excellent flow. Musical!

Great word!

Good luck.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Hi RD,

Many thanks for another wonderful review. I've implemented almost all your suggested changes, and I think it's made an improvement.

On the subject of "been/clean" - that's a tricky one. I'm certain if you asked almost anyone from my country to say the words "properly", then "been" would be pronounced exactly the same as "bean", which is a perfect rhyme with clean. However, in spoken sentences, I tend to alternate between "bean" and "bin". Nothing like consistency! LOL

I will change it if I can think of something which doesn't impact upon the impact(!) of that last stanza :)

Many thanks once again, sorry I'm not permitted to give you another vote for almost a whole month (silly rule).

Cheers, Craig

reply by rama devi on 13-Jun-2018

Ah yes, I forgot about accents. Americans say it like BIN.

I agree, the rule is unfair but it is also a preventive measure for those who would abuse the system, I suppose.

I appreciate your gracious response!

Warm Smiles, rd

Comment from Sharon Haiste

Excellent

I think this is a good entry for the Share A Story In A Poem writing prompt.
Your verse tells the story of the birth of Earth very well.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks so much for the kind words, Sharon - most grateful. Craig

Comment from friartuck

Excellent

Five stars for the form and meter, and for readability. As theology is not included in the criteria, I'll not subtract for that! (smile) In that regard, you were doing fine until your word of the day! I ordered that book, by the way, a few days ago, and it sounds like a good one. Good luck in the contest with this one!

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Well, at least we both agree the poem is more or less half true :)

I hope you get a lot of enjoyment from the book; it's certainly expanded my vocabulary, although figuring out how to slip some of those words into casual conversation could be a challenge.

Much appreciated,
Craig

Comment from Gloria ....

Exceptional

A superbly rhymed and metred poem, Craig and yes so far it appears the one blight is mankind, but perhaps we shall learn to use our brain for more than a tool of propaganda before we finish Earth off once and for all.

All the component parts of a story are present, beginning, middle, end, characters, conflict and resolution.

I wish you all the best in the contest with this beauty.

Gloria

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks so much for the lovely comments, Gloria, and for the beautiful shiny stars as well. Both are always very much appreciated. Craig

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

This is oh so nice, Craig :) It's nice to see you writing about the creation of our universe from a biblical point of view. You impressed me with all the different ways of talking about God like Spirit, Architect, Maker, Lord God, Yahweh, and Elohim. Wowsers!

I really love the smoothness of your first stanza and I guess that would be enjambment which connects lines three and four together. You make it look effortless.

I think He tried to wipe the slate clean a few times in the bible stories of Soddam and Gammora and Noah's Ark. (sorry if I spelled those wrong?)

I wish you could have added a dramatic background color to make your gorgeous picture stand out more.

This is a terrific story in a poem contest entry. I wish you well with it. I think it is outstanding and a strong contender.

Joy xx

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks very much for the wonderful comments, Joy. I will play around with the colour and see what I can do. Sadly, I don't have a great eye for presentation. Cheers, Craig

Comment from Tootsie

Exceptional

It was delightful to read this poem. It was so cleverly done, whatever word you chose for the day was hard to spot, even though I tried. I imagine it gave you much pleasure to see it forming, after all, it isn' every day the world comes into being at the tip of a pen. Congrats!!

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks for the delightful review. Your kind comments and generous rating are greatly appreciated :) Craig

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi, Craig,

I love the use of your daily poem as your entry for the 'Share a Story' contest. In your telling of the story of creation, you infer that man is a hiccup. Considering how things went, and are still going, you may be right. (Especially the orange man-child)

~patty~

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018

Thanks so much, Patty. I wouldn't describe Mr Tangerine Man as a hiccup, more a vomit :) Cheers, Craig

reply by Mustang Patty on 13-Jun-2018

LOL