Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Will &Testament"Historical fiction
5 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I remember snippets of this story from a while back. So Giovanni is of unknown origin and the dowager has no idea...
'Good afternoon, Lady Betsey,' Haines said.
'The Dowager is expecting you. Do you wish to leave your grandson's perambulator in the hallway? ' he enquired. - the second piece of dialogue here could continue right after the initial speech tag and you could omit the second tag.
She loved the sound of the word'grandson', - spacing here.
I also noticed that you fluctuate between punctuating inside the speech marks and outside. It's better to stick to one way or the other rather than mixing.
When beginning a new paragraph within dialogue, each new paragraph should have opening speech marks, although you only need a set of closing ones at the very end.
'Ladies,' Butler Haines interrupted,' If I may be so bold- the if should be lower case. it is continuing dialogue where the previous sentence or dialogue has not been closed off.
down their shutters.The war is taking - spacing here.
she began 'quite frankly - insert a comma after began.
'And how do you recommend we change with the times, - this should really have a question mark.
Where do we go from here is the question?. - you don't need the double punctuation at the end here.
'Perhaps,'she continued, 'I can bequeath - spacing here.
all these centuries,it would be appropriate - spacing.
or your late husband who would wish to inherit?.'- no double punctuation.
'No', Lady Betsey,'not at all- you've closed and re-opened speech tags unnecessarily here.
why do you think I have requested your presence here today, under the pretext of ill health. - question mark needed.
'My precious Giovanni', she began, 'Who are you, really?'. - who, same rule as earlier about continuing dialogue.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Hi there,
I remember snippets of this story from a while back. So Giovanni is of unknown origin and the dowager has no idea...
'Good afternoon, Lady Betsey,' Haines said.
'The Dowager is expecting you. Do you wish to leave your grandson's perambulator in the hallway? ' he enquired. - the second piece of dialogue here could continue right after the initial speech tag and you could omit the second tag.
She loved the sound of the word'grandson', - spacing here.
I also noticed that you fluctuate between punctuating inside the speech marks and outside. It's better to stick to one way or the other rather than mixing.
When beginning a new paragraph within dialogue, each new paragraph should have opening speech marks, although you only need a set of closing ones at the very end.
'Ladies,' Butler Haines interrupted,' If I may be so bold- the if should be lower case. it is continuing dialogue where the previous sentence or dialogue has not been closed off.
down their shutters.The war is taking - spacing here.
she began 'quite frankly - insert a comma after began.
'And how do you recommend we change with the times, - this should really have a question mark.
Where do we go from here is the question?. - you don't need the double punctuation at the end here.
'Perhaps,'she continued, 'I can bequeath - spacing here.
all these centuries,it would be appropriate - spacing.
or your late husband who would wish to inherit?.'- no double punctuation.
'No', Lady Betsey,'not at all- you've closed and re-opened speech tags unnecessarily here.
why do you think I have requested your presence here today, under the pretext of ill health. - question mark needed.
'My precious Giovanni', she began, 'Who are you, really?'. - who, same rule as earlier about continuing dialogue.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Just to say a sincere 'thank you ' for taking time to read and make such valuable suggestions-much appreciated zanya
Comment from Barrie (Baz) Blakeway
Zanya, I was drawn into Lady Betsey's designs for Giovanni and enjoyed the words she did not say. Fortunately Dowager Spencer helped with her forthrightness. The question of bloodline caused Lady Betsey to waiver momentarily, so now the task is before her. The war did upset certain plans.
I was able to be there, in fact I think he needed a nappy change! Excellent dialogue which had me in a section of town where I am sure I would stumble.
Thank you
Baz
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Zanya, I was drawn into Lady Betsey's designs for Giovanni and enjoyed the words she did not say. Fortunately Dowager Spencer helped with her forthrightness. The question of bloodline caused Lady Betsey to waiver momentarily, so now the task is before her. The war did upset certain plans.
I was able to be there, in fact I think he needed a nappy change! Excellent dialogue which had me in a section of town where I am sure I would stumble.
Thank you
Baz
Comment Written 30-May-2018
Comment from apky
I very much enjoyed your story and it was an engaging read.
At the end, I was left asking myself if this was an opening chapter of a larger work yet to come, because the story would otherwise have no viable purpose on its own as it is. This opinion is of course subjective.
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I very much enjoyed your story and it was an engaging read.
At the end, I was left asking myself if this was an opening chapter of a larger work yet to come, because the story would otherwise have no viable purpose on its own as it is. This opinion is of course subjective.
Comment Written 30-May-2018
Comment from meeshu
that is a really good write, Zanya. crisp dialogue and a quick pace of action. a great wide-open ending, a cliffhanger. and the little guy gets it all.........meedhu
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that is a really good write, Zanya. crisp dialogue and a quick pace of action. a great wide-open ending, a cliffhanger. and the little guy gets it all.........meedhu
Comment Written 30-May-2018
Comment from lyenochka
Entering into this so I don't know what occurred before and why Betsey questions her grandson's identity. It sounds intriguing.
Some comments:
There were several areas where the quotes were confusing because the same speaker continued into a new paragraph. So I wasn't sure who was speaking when.
" the word'grandson', " (needs space)
"My late husband's solictor has made an appointment " (solicitor)
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Entering into this so I don't know what occurred before and why Betsey questions her grandson's identity. It sounds intriguing.
Some comments:
There were several areas where the quotes were confusing because the same speaker continued into a new paragraph. So I wasn't sure who was speaking when.
" the word'grandson', " (needs space)
"My late husband's solictor has made an appointment " (solicitor)
Comment Written 29-May-2018
