Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Lost and Found"All chapters
12 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Marvin,
This was interesting. I don't think that ambulance service could make you pay, though -- could they? That seems awfully weird. And who was the other service who turned up? That seems even weirder... hmmm...
Some notes for you to consider:
1.) "I'm he," Sterling said, (")but you're too late."
2.) Sterling didn't (explain) the situation to her.
Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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Marvin,
This was interesting. I don't think that ambulance service could make you pay, though -- could they? That seems awfully weird. And who was the other service who turned up? That seems even weirder... hmmm...
Some notes for you to consider:
1.) "I'm he," Sterling said, (")but you're too late."
2.) Sterling didn't (explain) the situation to her.
Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
You may be correct about a reputable ambulance service. But, in a previous chapter, Sterling searched the yellow pages for an inexpensive ambulance service, and this is the result.
The service that took her away was called by the custodian, Jamal, one of Trudy's true friends.
Thanks for the typo tips.
Marv
Comment from Artasylum
This is good page turner. Brutal that she was murdered in that fashion. I will keep up with you Marvin Calloway it was a strong read. great character development through dialogue. yours, diana
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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This is good page turner. Brutal that she was murdered in that fashion. I will keep up with you Marvin Calloway it was a strong read. great character development through dialogue. yours, diana
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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Thank you for this wonderful review. I really appreciate your compliments. I'm pleased that you plan on keeping up with me and my murder mystery.
You have so many great names. Diane has always been one of my favorites. Diana is right up there with it. Then there's Artasylum. Clever and intriguing.
Thanks again, Marv.
Comment from apky
I have only just discovered this chapter of yours and realise I'm way behind when it comes to understanding the full plot so far. But I definitely enjoyed the read specifically because the writing is excellent and has such clarity I need not scratch my head to try and figure anything out.
The passage below reminded me of my own current thriller:
Brennan stared at Sterling, then, at Amanda. Is she thinking what I'm thinking? he thought. At that moment, both Captain Brennan and Detective Doherty realized that Sterling may have murdered Trudy by simply delaying the call for an ambulance.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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I have only just discovered this chapter of yours and realise I'm way behind when it comes to understanding the full plot so far. But I definitely enjoyed the read specifically because the writing is excellent and has such clarity I need not scratch my head to try and figure anything out.
The passage below reminded me of my own current thriller:
Brennan stared at Sterling, then, at Amanda. Is she thinking what I'm thinking? he thought. At that moment, both Captain Brennan and Detective Doherty realized that Sterling may have murdered Trudy by simply delaying the call for an ambulance.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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I was so hoping you would stick around. Thank you for reviewing this chapter with such wonderful compliments.
I've had trouble with the titles of some chapters and FS wants to call it Loophole, my romantic comedy about a screenwriter, which I mentioned before.
Here's where email would come in handy. I could send entire chapters or at least the highlights.
Good luck with your story and thanks again.
Marv
Comment from BeasPeas
"Doesn't matter. You called us, we came. We don't care if the person was just pulling a practical joke or came back to life. We still gotta get paid. If we don't get paid, it will be your body we pick up." These sentences sound about right. People looking to get paid for not doing anything. An interesting chapter, just the right length. Marilyn
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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"Doesn't matter. You called us, we came. We don't care if the person was just pulling a practical joke or came back to life. We still gotta get paid. If we don't get paid, it will be your body we pick up." These sentences sound about right. People looking to get paid for not doing anything. An interesting chapter, just the right length. Marilyn
Comment Written 20-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
I'm glad you liked the dialogue in that passage.
A few minutes ago Herman Sterling was searching the yellow pages for an inexpensive ambulance service and this is the result.
Brennan put them both in their places with the way he dictated the payoff.
Thanks again.
Marvin
Comment from judiverse
I'm glad to see the next part of your novel. This one is exciting, as the way the second ambulance driver shows up it certainly strange. Unfortunately, the wounded teller has been taken to the hospital already and word is she might not make it. So what's with this guy? He's very cross and demands $1000 for making the trip. No Sterling is a suspect if he delayed the call to the ambulance. This intrigue makes the story interesting. Brennan and Doherty seem on top of the situation. Excellent chapter. judi
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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I'm glad to see the next part of your novel. This one is exciting, as the way the second ambulance driver shows up it certainly strange. Unfortunately, the wounded teller has been taken to the hospital already and word is she might not make it. So what's with this guy? He's very cross and demands $1000 for making the trip. No Sterling is a suspect if he delayed the call to the ambulance. This intrigue makes the story interesting. Brennan and Doherty seem on top of the situation. Excellent chapter. judi
Comment Written 20-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Thanks for reviewing this chapter.
A few minutes ago Herman Sterling was searching the yellow pages for an inexpensive ambulance service and this is the result.
Thanks for the compliments.
As you mentioned before, I will not rush chapter 8.
Marvin
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Hi, Marvin. Great job, and I think you're wise not to rush things. Just give a brief summary of what's happened so keep readers up-to-date. judi
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Do you mean add a few words at the end of each chapter?
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No, I was thinking at the beginning of each new post. Mention a little bit about what has gone on previously. judi
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Good idea. Thanx.
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Hope it works. Just few words to tell what has happened previously would help readers who haven't seen earlier chapters. judi
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I think it will work. Readers need to know all the details to appreciate the new revelations.
Marv
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The character outlay comprises Captain Brennan, Detective Doherty, Sterling and an ambulance driver.
The setting is in the exterior and interior of a bank premises.
The scenarios is an on going investigation by homicide detectives.
A phone call to the hospital certifies one of the injured bank officials as responding to treatment.
Simultaneously, a second ambulance arrives with the driver threatening to get paid or leave with the body of Sterling.
Sterling is tactical and tries to manoeuvre the driver to the homicide detectives with a view to getting succour only to had to the detectives bank of clues that he may have deliberately delayed calling the ambulance services to facilitate Trudy's death.
The work constitutes a significant commentary that that attests to the fact that in-house officials in a bank could collude to facilitate a bank robbery.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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The character outlay comprises Captain Brennan, Detective Doherty, Sterling and an ambulance driver.
The setting is in the exterior and interior of a bank premises.
The scenarios is an on going investigation by homicide detectives.
A phone call to the hospital certifies one of the injured bank officials as responding to treatment.
Simultaneously, a second ambulance arrives with the driver threatening to get paid or leave with the body of Sterling.
Sterling is tactical and tries to manoeuvre the driver to the homicide detectives with a view to getting succour only to had to the detectives bank of clues that he may have deliberately delayed calling the ambulance services to facilitate Trudy's death.
The work constitutes a significant commentary that that attests to the fact that in-house officials in a bank could collude to facilitate a bank robbery.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Your summary of my story is very complimentary.
To elaborate one point, Detective Brennan thinks the ambulance driver is greedy and trying to take advantage of the situation, while he considers Herman Sterling to be downright evil.
Brennan punishes the driver by slicing his inflated fee in half and punishes Sterling by forcing him to pay it, or else.
Thanks for everything.
Marvin
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Remain Blessed
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, your writing is very engaging, and the dialogue really drives your story. The characters are real-world and I noticed no errors. It read smoothly and your grammar and spelling are good. Thanks for writing, it is a work I'd recommend. Ana.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Hello, your writing is very engaging, and the dialogue really drives your story. The characters are real-world and I noticed no errors. It read smoothly and your grammar and spelling are good. Thanks for writing, it is a work I'd recommend. Ana.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Thanks, Ana, for your wonderful review.
I appreciate the compliments. I like the term 'real world.' The fact that you would recommend my story is gratifying.
Marvin
Comment from JanPerry
I like how you start with high action. I don't like the word, cold, at the beginning as you need to find the correct word for "sirens off". Sterling didn't "explain" the situation, it should be.
There is far too much emphasis on paying the ambulance driver, who wants too much money.
The setting out is very good and eye catching with bold small print.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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I like how you start with high action. I don't like the word, cold, at the beginning as you need to find the correct word for "sirens off". Sterling didn't "explain" the situation, it should be.
There is far too much emphasis on paying the ambulance driver, who wants too much money.
The setting out is very good and eye catching with bold small print.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Thank you for reviewing.
The use of 'hot' and 'cold' was my concept. An internet search told me when sirens and flashing lights were employed and not employed but didn't label them. I was hoping readers would accept those terms, even think they're logical.
Detective Brennan doesn't care for the ambulance driver or Herman Sterling. One is greedy and trying to take advantage of the situation while the other may be tried for second-degree murder.
You're the first reader to remark about the font. I'm glad you like it.
Thanks for everything.
Marv
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Sure. OK.
Comment from Zue65
Your story provided a mysterious character or twist in the person of the ambulance driver who wanted to be paid even without a body to be picked up and threatening death if he's unpaid for his service. What's really curious is , the driver is brazen enough and not scared to be implicated with extortion. I will surely wait for the next post to find out what's next.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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Your story provided a mysterious character or twist in the person of the ambulance driver who wanted to be paid even without a body to be picked up and threatening death if he's unpaid for his service. What's really curious is , the driver is brazen enough and not scared to be implicated with extortion. I will surely wait for the next post to find out what's next.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
In chapter 5, Herman Sterling is searching the yellow pages for an inexpensive ambulance service. When someone else's health is on the line, no expense is too low.
The driver is the kind of person that won't report cash to the IRS.
A pair of creeps.
I'm glad to know you'll be back for more.
Marvin
Comment from Henry King
The suspense jumped up several notches in this crime thriller. Bank robbery, possible murder, suspected inside job and now extortion. Then the lead detective, who is about ready to retire, said, pay the extortionist. Wow, that's a lot of stuff, stuffed into the mix. The dialog seems appropriate. The words are comprehensible. The plausibility, seems stretched. Despite that, this is an interesting and exciting story. Well done.
There is a typo in the story's first paragraph. An underline was typed instead of a hyphen between " ... cold_no ..."
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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The suspense jumped up several notches in this crime thriller. Bank robbery, possible murder, suspected inside job and now extortion. Then the lead detective, who is about ready to retire, said, pay the extortionist. Wow, that's a lot of stuff, stuffed into the mix. The dialog seems appropriate. The words are comprehensible. The plausibility, seems stretched. Despite that, this is an interesting and exciting story. Well done.
There is a typo in the story's first paragraph. An underline was typed instead of a hyphen between " ... cold_no ..."
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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Thanks for reviewing, Henry.
I fixed the typo.
Thanks for the many compliments.
You've got me worried about the plausibility factor.
Marvin
