GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Valdig"A child is born who will be a champion
9 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Good character introductions. Explosive imagery and dialogue that fits the genre. Interesting storyline that holds interest throughout.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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Good character introductions. Explosive imagery and dialogue that fits the genre. Interesting storyline that holds interest throughout.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much Brett.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
Another fine chapter and yet again so much new information about Joshua refreshes and retains momentum in the story.
You have done well to establish such lineage in the clan and continue to imtroduce kin at just the right time.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2018
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Hi Roxanna,
Another fine chapter and yet again so much new information about Joshua refreshes and retains momentum in the story.
You have done well to establish such lineage in the clan and continue to imtroduce kin at just the right time.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 21-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2018
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Thank you Shirley. =}
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Your story of Valdig is well told and interesting.
Your characters are clear and easy to understand.
The dialogues seem natural.
Well done and thank you for sharing this.
Sharon
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Your story of Valdig is well told and interesting.
Your characters are clear and easy to understand.
The dialogues seem natural.
Well done and thank you for sharing this.
Sharon
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much for the great review.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is so good Roxy. I love heroic stories. I just have trouble with all these strange names. It is hard to remember who's who. That's my problem nothing to do with you. LOL So the blue horde has come for him. Now his progress as a warrior will be tested. He has been cornered without his sword! Great cliff hanger! Nancy
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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This is so good Roxy. I love heroic stories. I just have trouble with all these strange names. It is hard to remember who's who. That's my problem nothing to do with you. LOL So the blue horde has come for him. Now his progress as a warrior will be tested. He has been cornered without his sword! Great cliff hanger! Nancy
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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I know the names are hard, I have the same trouble when I read something like the Lord of the Rings, I just gave up on the name, mine are easy in comparison. Where do they find them anyway? Mine are words that describes the person and I look it up in another language. Very scientific. =} Thank so much Nancy.
Comment from Talitha Milroy
The story definitely captures the reader's interest, but there are quite a few minor mistakes in grammar, spelling and word usage (which I'm sure you'll be able to pick up with another read-through). More importantly, the writing could really use more descriptive and emotive language. Occasional references to feeling angry isn't enough to create emotional depth, and the setting isn't really described much at all, which leaves the story feeling a little untethered.
Given that this appears to be a traditional Chosen-One narrative, I recommend you go read "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell (If you haven't read it already). It's a book about the typical structure of hero stories, and has a lot of really interesting stuff in it.
I hope that helps! Good luck and happy writing =)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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The story definitely captures the reader's interest, but there are quite a few minor mistakes in grammar, spelling and word usage (which I'm sure you'll be able to pick up with another read-through). More importantly, the writing could really use more descriptive and emotive language. Occasional references to feeling angry isn't enough to create emotional depth, and the setting isn't really described much at all, which leaves the story feeling a little untethered.
Given that this appears to be a traditional Chosen-One narrative, I recommend you go read "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell (If you haven't read it already). It's a book about the typical structure of hero stories, and has a lot of really interesting stuff in it.
I hope that helps! Good luck and happy writing =)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Yes I suppose it has been done before. One of my favorite writers is Stephen Lawhead. If you want to read an amazing account of King Arthur I highly recommend The Pendragon Cycle, Arthur. I could not put it down. I would never hope to write like that. This is a huge departure for me as I write children's stories about a little pig who thinks she is a super hero. =} I am never happy with anything I write, it is never good enough and I forever am 'fixing' it; I'm that way with everything until I drive myself nuts. Thank you for your help and taking the time to review.
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You're welcome! And thanks for the Arthur recommendation, I'll check it out =)
Comment from gene roush
This has the feel of a fantasy adventure. It's strict dialogue and narrative fit the genre.
There are a few errors to clean up. I found some;
Aug( )don stood on one side of a chair and (a)man who look much like him, on the other.
When he return(ed)from his travels
Why must it be me? You are Valdig('s)grandson.
This ends with a nice hook.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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This has the feel of a fantasy adventure. It's strict dialogue and narrative fit the genre.
There are a few errors to clean up. I found some;
Aug( )don stood on one side of a chair and (a)man who look much like him, on the other.
When he return(ed)from his travels
Why must it be me? You are Valdig('s)grandson.
This ends with a nice hook.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thanks so much for the stars and helps.
Comment from Harry Smith
Nice picture that complimented the chapter. The chapter is filled with explosive imagery and the reader was interested from the beginning until the end and will return to read more.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Nice picture that complimented the chapter. The chapter is filled with explosive imagery and the reader was interested from the beginning until the end and will return to read more.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thanks so much. =}
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Roxanne, your story is really coming along. Good dialogue and strong characters that I can see in my minds' eye. I do have a couple of little suggestions that can be used on anything you write. I will put them in brackets below.
seemed very (expressions like this clutter the text and detract from the power of your statements, or writing. I remove them, 'seems', 'I think'. Something either is, or it isn't, seems weakens it. And 'I think' and 'I feel' just alienate the reader because you have put yourself in the middle of them and the story. I hope that makes sense, but nine times out of ten, if you remove them the sentence will be better, and it won't diminish the understanding for the reader.)
fire blazed. (Aug don - This is a random space) stood on one
Joshua nodded. He felt (here it is again) ... spinning his mind spinning from all he had learned In a few short hours.
I work on editing them out, and it's only a stylistic suggestion, so it didn't affect the rating of your writing, and this is such a great narrative, it will be polishing it a bit, get a bit more minimalist so it fastens it up, it's worth it, Ana.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Hello Roxanne, your story is really coming along. Good dialogue and strong characters that I can see in my minds' eye. I do have a couple of little suggestions that can be used on anything you write. I will put them in brackets below.
seemed very (expressions like this clutter the text and detract from the power of your statements, or writing. I remove them, 'seems', 'I think'. Something either is, or it isn't, seems weakens it. And 'I think' and 'I feel' just alienate the reader because you have put yourself in the middle of them and the story. I hope that makes sense, but nine times out of ten, if you remove them the sentence will be better, and it won't diminish the understanding for the reader.)
fire blazed. (Aug don - This is a random space) stood on one
Joshua nodded. He felt (here it is again) ... spinning his mind spinning from all he had learned In a few short hours.
I work on editing them out, and it's only a stylistic suggestion, so it didn't affect the rating of your writing, and this is such a great narrative, it will be polishing it a bit, get a bit more minimalist so it fastens it up, it's worth it, Ana.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much dear. I will look at those. I accidentally clicked on the Aug don suggestion when doing spell check. ={ So had to go back and fix them all, guess I missed one. I was a real klutz yesterday and kept clicking on the wrong thing! I'm such a ding dong sometimes. =} Thanks for all the help and reading it over, looks like you did it twice. You are too sweet. Rox
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was such a shock. I can understand Joshua's anger at not knowing his ancestors, and what was his destiny. Now we have this blue man in his room, I think he will now prove to himself he is the leader everyone says he is. Well done, Rox, still loving your story. Big hugs, Sandra xxx
You can carry on editing even when it has been released. I find more errors after I have and just click on edit and do the corrections. :)) xxx
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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That was such a shock. I can understand Joshua's anger at not knowing his ancestors, and what was his destiny. Now we have this blue man in his room, I think he will now prove to himself he is the leader everyone says he is. Well done, Rox, still loving your story. Big hugs, Sandra xxx
You can carry on editing even when it has been released. I find more errors after I have and just click on edit and do the corrections. :)) xxx
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thank you dear. I got told this is a typical hero story, which I guess it is as they are all kind of the same type of theme.=} and no emotion. I was thinking about that myself, so am going to look it over. It is good to get different input so I can see it more critically. Thank you again. Rox
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No, I don't think it's your typical hero story, it's too different to be so. You just carry on doing what you're doing, it's fabulous, really!!!! xxxx
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Thank you dear. That's very encouraging. I feel like it takes a lot out of me to write it. It is such a stretch after Super Pig. =}
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LOL!! It is rather! It's a bit like me and my Hedgerow Capers gang, so much different to my books. LOL, it's good, though, to be stretched to see just what we are capable of. Keep it up, my friend.
