GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The War Room"A child is born who will be a champion
13 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
It seems that now the real training begins for Joshua.
I like how you managed to humble him as he learnt to fight differently and train with persistence.
Your vision of a marauding horde seems to fit well into this storyline.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2018
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Hi Roxanna,
It seems that now the real training begins for Joshua.
I like how you managed to humble him as he learnt to fight differently and train with persistence.
Your vision of a marauding horde seems to fit well into this storyline.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 11-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2018
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Thank you, glad you are enjoying it.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Roxana, Although I have looked in only sporadically, this segment of your story is excellent. Well written, flowing and clearly described with a good pace. Marilyn
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2018
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Hi Roxana, Although I have looked in only sporadically, this segment of your story is excellent. Well written, flowing and clearly described with a good pace. Marilyn
Comment Written 08-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Sugarray77
This is full of fantasy and captures the imaginiation from the start. When Jatte tells Joshua to be patient with himself until he learns more about sword fighting, I can relate to writing. I'm new and not very good, but I'm studying and hopefully will write as well as you some day. Good job!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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This is full of fantasy and captures the imaginiation from the start. When Jatte tells Joshua to be patient with himself until he learns more about sword fighting, I can relate to writing. I'm new and not very good, but I'm studying and hopefully will write as well as you some day. Good job!
Comment Written 07-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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Oh Sugar who are you kidding, for I have seen your profile page and you are a top ranked author and the winner of many contests. It is I who wish to be as good as you one day. But I will take the stars and the great compliment paid me. Your name suit you for you are very sweet. =} Thank you .
Comment from Zue65
The historical background of the Nubians gave credence to the story that it sounded almost true and factual. This speaks of the writer's skill as an effective writer. I will eagerly wait for the next post. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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The historical background of the Nubians gave credence to the story that it sounded almost true and factual. This speaks of the writer's skill as an effective writer. I will eagerly wait for the next post. Keep writing.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Janilou
A great chapter and very well written. The descriptions and dialogue are both excellent.
Notes:
One night in a drunken rage he (tired)to take Valdig's life.
Typo :-) I believe you meant 'tired'
That's the only edit I found
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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A great chapter and very well written. The descriptions and dialogue are both excellent.
Notes:
One night in a drunken rage he (tired)to take Valdig's life.
Typo :-) I believe you meant 'tired'
That's the only edit I found
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the great review and the head's up on the typo. I'll fix that.
Comment from Harry Smith
Very interesting is this short story that kept the reader interested throughout. The picture selection complemented the writing. I really like the writer's style and will be returning to read more.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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Very interesting is this short story that kept the reader interested throughout. The picture selection complemented the writing. I really like the writer's style and will be returning to read more.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a very interesting story Roxy. I keep wondering when he is going to meet the little cast off dragon. I am sure they are destined to be a force to fear in future encounters. Well done gal. Looks like G has your back. Thank goodness for dependable reviewers. LOL Nancy
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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This is a very interesting story Roxy. I keep wondering when he is going to meet the little cast off dragon. I am sure they are destined to be a force to fear in future encounters. Well done gal. Looks like G has your back. Thank goodness for dependable reviewers. LOL Nancy
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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I think the next chapter has him meeting the dragon and the love of his life as well. =} Thanks so much Nancy. Rox
Comment from apky
This story is engaging and wonderful in being quite different and unique, compared to the stories one reads / writes about here in fanstory. I happen to know Nubians and believe I have some Nubian blodd in me too.
I particularly enjoyed this recounting:
When he found it, there was much rejoicing. The people settled in the valley below while Valdig and his men went on. At the foot of the range, they found an over grown path up the center most mountain. When they reached the top, they found a fortress already standing. My grandfather had thought all this time he had been called to build it, but now he knew his job was to build an army. The fortress was ancient but still solid. He and his men made repairs, built barricks and out buildings and cleared the path up the mountain. When all was ready, the people came here to live. I was born here. We have added much to the fortess since those days."
Very well done.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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This story is engaging and wonderful in being quite different and unique, compared to the stories one reads / writes about here in fanstory. I happen to know Nubians and believe I have some Nubian blodd in me too.
I particularly enjoyed this recounting:
When he found it, there was much rejoicing. The people settled in the valley below while Valdig and his men went on. At the foot of the range, they found an over grown path up the center most mountain. When they reached the top, they found a fortress already standing. My grandfather had thought all this time he had been called to build it, but now he knew his job was to build an army. The fortress was ancient but still solid. He and his men made repairs, built barricks and out buildings and cleared the path up the mountain. When all was ready, the people came here to live. I was born here. We have added much to the fortess since those days."
Very well done.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much. I appreciate your reading it and the stars. Glad you liked it.
I went between Nubian & Massai. Nubian didn't say they were warriors, but were very proficient with a bow, the Massai are warriors plus very tall, but I couldn't find names for male Massai, just female which was odd. I loved the names of the Nubian men so went with that. Plus they had kings and queens which I like too. =]
I was told they do have dark skin but the pics I saw were very light, so maybe there is a mix of both. I had them as dark skined in the story but took it out after seeing the pics. My friend has seen Nubians and said they were dark so I put it back in. They are beautiful people and even in ancient times consider very intelligent having a mathematical system developed for buying and selling way back then.. I'm still wondering why they are known for their skin, maybe it is just flawless? Anyway they are most interesting.
Thank you again for all the stars and liking the story.
Rox
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
My first thought on reading this was to wonder if the chapters are out of sequence. The previous chapter had Joshua meeting his mother and looking to take her with him, but your synopsis here dismisses this in favour of an earlier chapter. It's a jump backwards and doesn't fully gel with the chronology.
army Joshua is to led - to lead rather than led.
A huge fire place - fireplace could be a single word here.
Two long table with benches - tables.
Augdon introduce Joshua to each - introduced.
a little as they move from man - moved.
There are lots of instances were the correct form/tense of words isn't used which reads oddly and mixes the tenses.
He felt over whelmed - overwhelmed.
they were much older then he - than rather than then.
destroying all in it's path - its.
Technically when you start a new paragraph in dialogue, there should be opening speech marks at the beginning of each paragraph, but only a closing set at the very end.
they found an over grown - overgrown can be a single word.
made repairs, built barricks and out buildings - barracks and outbuildings.
added much to the fortess since those days - fortress.
It was a youth, white haired, with violet eye - eyes.
It seemed strange that Joshua would have never seen his reflection. Nothing reflective in the village he grew up in or passed by water and looked?
They conquer a village, stay there a for a time, - delete 'a' after there.
They far out number us - outnumber.
Aurgon said this as the stood to his feet. - he stood.
Augdon showed Joshua were he would stay - where.
There number seemed endless. - Their.
women who fought along side the men - alongside can be a single word here.
none who could wheeled a sword - wield.
He watched as she wheeled a sword - wielded.
A solid continuation although I'm not sure it's placed correctly. Good backstory and development.
needs some tidying up.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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Hi there,
My first thought on reading this was to wonder if the chapters are out of sequence. The previous chapter had Joshua meeting his mother and looking to take her with him, but your synopsis here dismisses this in favour of an earlier chapter. It's a jump backwards and doesn't fully gel with the chronology.
army Joshua is to led - to lead rather than led.
A huge fire place - fireplace could be a single word here.
Two long table with benches - tables.
Augdon introduce Joshua to each - introduced.
a little as they move from man - moved.
There are lots of instances were the correct form/tense of words isn't used which reads oddly and mixes the tenses.
He felt over whelmed - overwhelmed.
they were much older then he - than rather than then.
destroying all in it's path - its.
Technically when you start a new paragraph in dialogue, there should be opening speech marks at the beginning of each paragraph, but only a closing set at the very end.
they found an over grown - overgrown can be a single word.
made repairs, built barricks and out buildings - barracks and outbuildings.
added much to the fortess since those days - fortress.
It was a youth, white haired, with violet eye - eyes.
It seemed strange that Joshua would have never seen his reflection. Nothing reflective in the village he grew up in or passed by water and looked?
They conquer a village, stay there a for a time, - delete 'a' after there.
They far out number us - outnumber.
Aurgon said this as the stood to his feet. - he stood.
Augdon showed Joshua were he would stay - where.
There number seemed endless. - Their.
women who fought along side the men - alongside can be a single word here.
none who could wheeled a sword - wield.
He watched as she wheeled a sword - wielded.
A solid continuation although I'm not sure it's placed correctly. Good backstory and development.
needs some tidying up.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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I rewrote this at least 4 times changing it a lot each time, so was afraid it would have some big boo boos.
The story does go back and forth. This tells of the two years he was training. The next few chapters are the same and eventually he will bring his mother to the fortress, but a lot happens before that. I'll look at it again to see if I can make it flow better. Thanks.
I did write he had only seen his reflection in the water but took it out. I did say ' true reflection ' meaning, no mirrors where he lived. I don't know t hat it would be so unusual for this time period, whatever it is, before medieval in my mind, for person to have not seen their reflection in a mirror.
I did read this over and over before posting and spell checked, but spell check doesn't know what tense or form I mean, of course. =} Stupid Spell check.
I wasn't sure about the par splits and quote marks. Thanks.
It is interesting as I got 3 6star reviews as well so people see things so differently.
Thank you for taking so much time as usual. I'll go back over it and try to fix the error and tenses. Though it is just for fun I always want it to be the best I can do.
Thanks, Rox
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Just to vlarify, U have never given a review or rating just to get back at someone. I'm not that petty. Why would I waste the considerable time I spent on this just to do that. I enjoy the reviewing process, it can actually inform our own writing a great deal and you can learn a lot from it. Not to worry though, I can always skip your work in future.
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Just to clarify, I have never given a review or rating just to get back at someone. I'm not that petty. Why would I waste the considerable time I spent on this just to do that. I enjoy the reviewing process, it can actually inform our own writing a great deal and you can learn a lot from it. Not to worry though, I can always skip your work in future.
Comment from Debbie Pope
You know that I am loving your story. I believe you will have a ready market for this--a chosen boy fighting evil on the back of a dragon. I know that teenagers would love this, but, like the Harry Potter series, it appeals to grownups as well. I like that you have included women warriors, Nubians, and dragons. The dragons do so much for the fantasy element. I know that you will probably edit the entire story once finished, but I would be remiss if I did not point out two typos that I saw. I listed them below:
Augdon order food and drink be brought to Joshua. The men settled themselves around a table (should be ordered)
Augdon showed Joshua were he would stay. (should be where)
I did not want you to think that I did not read carefully. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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You know that I am loving your story. I believe you will have a ready market for this--a chosen boy fighting evil on the back of a dragon. I know that teenagers would love this, but, like the Harry Potter series, it appeals to grownups as well. I like that you have included women warriors, Nubians, and dragons. The dragons do so much for the fantasy element. I know that you will probably edit the entire story once finished, but I would be remiss if I did not point out two typos that I saw. I listed them below:
Augdon order food and drink be brought to Joshua. The men settled themselves around a table (should be ordered)
Augdon showed Joshua were he would stay. (should be where)
I did not want you to think that I did not read carefully. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2018
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Thank you, thank you so much. I just got a 3 star review with like 3 pages of errors.=} So I was shocked to see 3 6star reviews. People just see things so differently. Thank you for loving it, very encouraging and for the 6 wonderful stars. Have a good day. Rox
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I post a lot of the short 5-7-5 syllable poems. I have a reviewer who does not know what a syllable is. He truly doesn't. I just thank him for his review.
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=}
