GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Plan"A child is born who will be a champion
8 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
I like how the story has progressed through stages to a marriage proposal. The odds do surely look stacked against them..?
But I am keen to see if love will eventually triumph.
:-, Shirley
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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I like how the story has progressed through stages to a marriage proposal. The odds do surely look stacked against them..?
But I am keen to see if love will eventually triumph.
:-, Shirley
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Hi, I'm glad you are reading the whole book so you get the whole story. Thanks so much.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now I know why I'd missed the previous parts, you hadn't written them!!! LOL. This is another superb part, Rox, I am really enjoying this story. Now off to read the next one, I think I've one more to read. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Now I know why I'd missed the previous parts, you hadn't written them!!! LOL. This is another superb part, Rox, I am really enjoying this story. Now off to read the next one, I think I've one more to read. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 14-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2018
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Thank you, so glad you are enjoying it.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Roxanna
I'm glad I'm catching your story in the early stages. I'm already intrigued with the relationship developing between Nyla and Dak.
This is a good description of an underlying tension in this blooming relationship:
'He knew the dangers of associating with a 'Dark One.' His family might disown him and he would lose his good standing in the village, so he worked hard to keep his feelings in check.'
I'm looking forward to reading more!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
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Hi, Roxanna
I'm glad I'm catching your story in the early stages. I'm already intrigued with the relationship developing between Nyla and Dak.
This is a good description of an underlying tension in this blooming relationship:
'He knew the dangers of associating with a 'Dark One.' His family might disown him and he would lose his good standing in the village, so he worked hard to keep his feelings in check.'
I'm looking forward to reading more!
:) Bev
Comment Written 23-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much Bev. It's been a while since I started this so where to go from here. Needs some deep thinking. I know where I want it to go but getting there is the hard part. =} Thanks again. Rox
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You're very welcome, Roxanna. :)
Comment from Treischel
A wonderfully written chapter, full of intrigue and romance. I like that you add details to the story, making it very realistic. Well done! I was interested all the way.
I noticed just one tiny spag:
The dogs (plural) barked their farewell.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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A wonderfully written chapter, full of intrigue and romance. I like that you add details to the story, making it very realistic. Well done! I was interested all the way.
I noticed just one tiny spag:
The dogs (plural) barked their farewell.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thanks so much for reading it, I had no idea it didn't have any separation for the paragraphs until a reviewer told me. I forget Word does that when I copy to this site. Thanks for hanging in there and for the very nice review. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
being careful with the hind [hide]
It's been a while but I did remember when I looked back. Well done Roxy. I think this will be an exciting story to follow. I look forward to more. I found that one nit. Nancy
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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being careful with the hind [hide]
It's been a while but I did remember when I looked back. Well done Roxy. I think this will be an exciting story to follow. I look forward to more. I found that one nit. Nancy
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Hi Nancy, nice to see you, I have been gone for so long. I have a little shop on Etsy and it keeps me very busy so let my writing slip. Not a good idea. Thanks so much for the review. I apologize that it wasn't separated into paragraphs. I forgot WORD does that on this site and I have to manually fix it. Thanks for hanging in there and the great review. I went back and fixed my errors and made separate paragraphs. Have a great day. Rox
Comment from Trudi Perkins
This is an interesting story indeed. I really enjoyed this very much. I look forward to reading more of your writings .Thanks again for sharing your craft with us.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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This is an interesting story indeed. I really enjoyed this very much. I look forward to reading more of your writings .Thanks again for sharing your craft with us.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thanks so much for the review. I apologize that it wasn't separated into paragraphs. I forgot WORD does that on this site and I have to manually fix it. Thanks for hanging in there and the great review. I went back and fixed my errors and made separate paragraphs. Have a great day. Rox
Comment from royowen
Nyla's brothers have gone on a quest that will take at least twelve months and Dak drops in to see her, he plans to marry her and knows his brothers will keep the secret, of Nyla is keen, as is Dak. I can remember this story from some time ago, she has been separated for a reason I'm not sure at the moment. Excellent descriptive people with good strong characters, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : as ha (scrapped) the last of the stew. Scraped?
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Nyla's brothers have gone on a quest that will take at least twelve months and Dak drops in to see her, he plans to marry her and knows his brothers will keep the secret, of Nyla is keen, as is Dak. I can remember this story from some time ago, she has been separated for a reason I'm not sure at the moment. Excellent descriptive people with good strong characters, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : as ha (scrapped) the last of the stew. Scraped?
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thanks so much for the review. I apologize that it wasn't separated into paragraphs. I forgot WORD does that on this site and I have to manually fix it. Thanks for hanging in there and the great review. I went back and fixed my errors and made separate paragraphs. Have a great day. Rox
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Most welcome
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be an idea to incorporate some breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for any dialogue used can make for a cleaner write which is easier to follow. Also, many folk simply skip over large blocks of unbroken text. (you do this with the previous chapter recap)
Back ground information needs a full stop / period at the end.
"Good morn Dak. What brings you here so early?" She asked - she, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or a name.
"Come in and warm yourself," she held the door for him. - this should probably be two separate sentences with the dialogue closed off fully.
You could eliminate some of the speech tags throughout this as it's obvious most of the time who is talking.
she could feel Dak / She felt self conscious / it was a new feeling. / never felt it before - be careful of the repetition aspect here, especially so close together. Naming the senses can also be indicative of telling over showing.
Her appetite. which had been so robust a few moments ago, - should be a comma after appetite rather than a comma.
and they talked non-stop - nonstop can be a single word here.
they would fore go the quest / allowed to fore go - forgo can be a single word here.
he said as he scrapped the last of the stew from his bowl. - scraped.
He waved good bye as he disappeared - goodbye can be a single word here.
The dog barked their farewell- dogs.
He was drawn to the dark hair girl - haired.
Be careful of sudden change in perspective/point of view. It flits here between Dak & Nyla and can be a little jarring when so close together.
best him in a sword fight - swordfight can be a single word here.
she saw in the near by township - nearby can be a single word here.
and which ever brought down the biggest buck - whomever or whoever here rather than whichever (single word).
He signed knowing Nyla had brought - sighed?
foot on a haunches of a ten point buck - on the haunches.
being careful with the hind which would be made into new boots for Nyla - hide rather than hind?
the rest down to the seller to hang and dry - cellar.
Daks words were persuasive - Dak's.
Good story going on here, although I think you could expand on some of the descriptions a little.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Hi there,
It may be an idea to incorporate some breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for any dialogue used can make for a cleaner write which is easier to follow. Also, many folk simply skip over large blocks of unbroken text. (you do this with the previous chapter recap)
Back ground information needs a full stop / period at the end.
"Good morn Dak. What brings you here so early?" She asked - she, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or a name.
"Come in and warm yourself," she held the door for him. - this should probably be two separate sentences with the dialogue closed off fully.
You could eliminate some of the speech tags throughout this as it's obvious most of the time who is talking.
she could feel Dak / She felt self conscious / it was a new feeling. / never felt it before - be careful of the repetition aspect here, especially so close together. Naming the senses can also be indicative of telling over showing.
Her appetite. which had been so robust a few moments ago, - should be a comma after appetite rather than a comma.
and they talked non-stop - nonstop can be a single word here.
they would fore go the quest / allowed to fore go - forgo can be a single word here.
he said as he scrapped the last of the stew from his bowl. - scraped.
He waved good bye as he disappeared - goodbye can be a single word here.
The dog barked their farewell- dogs.
He was drawn to the dark hair girl - haired.
Be careful of sudden change in perspective/point of view. It flits here between Dak & Nyla and can be a little jarring when so close together.
best him in a sword fight - swordfight can be a single word here.
she saw in the near by township - nearby can be a single word here.
and which ever brought down the biggest buck - whomever or whoever here rather than whichever (single word).
He signed knowing Nyla had brought - sighed?
foot on a haunches of a ten point buck - on the haunches.
being careful with the hind which would be made into new boots for Nyla - hide rather than hind?
the rest down to the seller to hang and dry - cellar.
Daks words were persuasive - Dak's.
Good story going on here, although I think you could expand on some of the descriptions a little.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thanks so much for the review. I apologize that it wasn't separated into paragraphs. I forgot WORD does that on this site and I have to manually fix it. Thanks for hanging in there and the great review. I went back and fixed my errors and made separate paragraphs. Thanks for all the time you took and advise. I can read something 100x and not see my own spelling errors and such. Glad we have reviewers. Have a great day. Rox
