Town Slayer
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Jumping to Conclusions"A vigilante seeks justice for all abused women.
14 total reviews
Comment from T.M. McLeod
Hi. I like where the story is headed, but have some problems with the text as shown.
1) In the first section, in the 2nd paragraph, it seems like Janet runs off as soon as she sends Timmy to get help. Only later in - post the running off - do we learn she was in custody before running. A bit confusing.
2) The whole first section seems to go by very quickly. Could probably be enhanced to give more info. Especially think it would help if Janet has some thoughts about how no one helps women like her in their town - some sort of hint that she may go in the direction she does in the last section.
3) [Minor] A lot of the names you use start with "J". Okay if you are aware of it.
4) I enjoyed the second section using mostly dialogue. Again, though, it seems to accomplish a lot in a short time. Maybe instead of three sections of one chapter, this could be expanded to be the first three chapters....
5) It seems an odd note that a neighbor comes to the house while she is hitting her husband, but no mention is made of the neighbor being the one to call the police, or that they watched out the window to see who comes out (since they don't know if it's Janet).
6) In general, the third section seems a bit jarring, with no lead in as to how she went from abused housewife to crusader. (Hence the comment above about maybe planting a seed in the first section.)
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I am a new reviewer, and hope you won't mind me talking more about some things I think could be improved. As a writer, I often have trouble getting down on the page not so much the words (which you do well), but a flowing of the plot events and how we get from one to the next. I am a bit jealous that you have already so much to work with - which I hope will be the main takeaway from this review: You have enough for more than one chapter if you flesh it out more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2018
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Hi. I like where the story is headed, but have some problems with the text as shown.
1) In the first section, in the 2nd paragraph, it seems like Janet runs off as soon as she sends Timmy to get help. Only later in - post the running off - do we learn she was in custody before running. A bit confusing.
2) The whole first section seems to go by very quickly. Could probably be enhanced to give more info. Especially think it would help if Janet has some thoughts about how no one helps women like her in their town - some sort of hint that she may go in the direction she does in the last section.
3) [Minor] A lot of the names you use start with "J". Okay if you are aware of it.
4) I enjoyed the second section using mostly dialogue. Again, though, it seems to accomplish a lot in a short time. Maybe instead of three sections of one chapter, this could be expanded to be the first three chapters....
5) It seems an odd note that a neighbor comes to the house while she is hitting her husband, but no mention is made of the neighbor being the one to call the police, or that they watched out the window to see who comes out (since they don't know if it's Janet).
6) In general, the third section seems a bit jarring, with no lead in as to how she went from abused housewife to crusader. (Hence the comment above about maybe planting a seed in the first section.)
****
I am a new reviewer, and hope you won't mind me talking more about some things I think could be improved. As a writer, I often have trouble getting down on the page not so much the words (which you do well), but a flowing of the plot events and how we get from one to the next. I am a bit jealous that you have already so much to work with - which I hope will be the main takeaway from this review: You have enough for more than one chapter if you flesh it out more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2018
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Thank you for your helpful review.
You first commented on the first two paragraphs. The first is a summary and second the new story I should have shown the separation to lessen confusion. It's fixed now.
I did add the part about the neighbor calling 911 and watching but didn't see anyone leave.
The last paragraph is someone totally different. I'll go back and clarify that too.
Not adding enough detail is an ongoing problem for me. One I will continue to work on.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
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Since I can't use a name because I want my readers to guess who it is. I referred to the new person as the Assassinator, do you think that'll work, make it clear that this is another person?
Thank you again for your help, take care.
Comment from ChuckB
Well, okay, I finally find what happened to Janet's handcuffs. Rachel's right, it was pretty dumb of the paramedic to release her. He should have left one wrist cuffed to some piece of metal in the ambulance.
And now we have an unknown female, a would-be assassin. I can't help but wonder if she's a vigilante and she killed Bill as well???
I'm still having trouble with Janet's account of the incident in chapter one. No mention of the bat there at all, and yet Timmy says he saw her with one? Anybody think to check the bat for fingerprints?
Lot's of questions.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2018
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Well, okay, I finally find what happened to Janet's handcuffs. Rachel's right, it was pretty dumb of the paramedic to release her. He should have left one wrist cuffed to some piece of metal in the ambulance.
And now we have an unknown female, a would-be assassin. I can't help but wonder if she's a vigilante and she killed Bill as well???
I'm still having trouble with Janet's account of the incident in chapter one. No mention of the bat there at all, and yet Timmy says he saw her with one? Anybody think to check the bat for fingerprints?
Lot's of questions.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much for your second review, I'm glad you decided to give it another go. The fingerprints will be analyzed in the following chapter along with the blood and wood type.
Seeing the bat thing bothers you so much, I'll go back and fix it.
Thank you again for your kind review, your support and your helpful suggestions, they're always appreciated, take care.
Comment from Susan Burger
I jumped in the story with this entry, but I may have to go back and get caught up! This is a very well written story, that makes me want more. Good work! I'm glad you decided to pick up your dream and run with it!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
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I jumped in the story with this entry, but I may have to go back and get caught up! This is a very well written story, that makes me want more. Good work! I'm glad you decided to pick up your dream and run with it!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for such a nice review. I'm so glad you liked it. The story starts with Janet being beaten by her husband Bill. Hearing a thump in the front room when she goes to check on him. She finds a gash in the back of his head. She tries to stop the bleeding while her son calls for help. The cops believe she's the killer. Frightened, Janet flees.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from Zue65
The twist at the end of the story is interesting. It is not Janet but an observer, a self-proclaimed protector and defender of abused women whose cause is to kill those abusive husbands who prey on their defenseless wives. Very well done.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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The twist at the end of the story is interesting. It is not Janet but an observer, a self-proclaimed protector and defender of abused women whose cause is to kill those abusive husbands who prey on their defenseless wives. Very well done.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for such a nice review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. The action is just beginning; with a violent serial killer on their hands, and a fugitive about to skip state, the cops have their work cut out for them.
Thank you again for your kind review, it's greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Well written instalment here and a good continuation. A lot of abused women seeking revenge in these stories...
The Brown's said they went to check - Browns, no apostrophe necessary.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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Well written instalment here and a good continuation. A lot of abused women seeking revenge in these stories...
The Brown's said they went to check - Browns, no apostrophe necessary.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for your kind review, encouraging words and for catching my mistake. My serial killers are on a mission to make the world a better place.
Thank you again for all your help and support, it's always appreciated, take care.
Hope you're posing your story soon.
Comment from apky
Soooo. Now we have the unidentified killer still stalking the neighbourhood.
You have made it very mysterious again. At least I'm glad the killer isn't Janet, or so I think. And I'm glad Timmy is safe with the grandmother. Hopefully Janet is safe too.
Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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Soooo. Now we have the unidentified killer still stalking the neighbourhood.
You have made it very mysterious again. At least I'm glad the killer isn't Janet, or so I think. And I'm glad Timmy is safe with the grandmother. Hopefully Janet is safe too.
Well done.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. Your right it isn't Janet, that would be way too easy. Timmy is fine, but poor Janet, she has a heck of a journey ahead.
Thank you again for all your help and support. You've helped me learn and grow as a writer for that I'll always be grateful, take care.
Comment from royowen
Poor Janet has vanished into the night, losing herself in a ramshackle place. Meanwhile the real murderer is going about dealing with another wife/child beater, but is foiled by the wife Beth. Poor Timmy is justifiability clinging to Jerry, the grandmother comes to pick up Timmy, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Poor Janet has vanished into the night, losing herself in a ramshackle place. Meanwhile the real murderer is going about dealing with another wife/child beater, but is foiled by the wife Beth. Poor Timmy is justifiability clinging to Jerry, the grandmother comes to pick up Timmy, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 23-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and all your support. I remember you saying a while back that mysteries is your wife's thing. I hope I have you hooked too.
Thank you again for all your help, support friendship, it means a lot to me.
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I have
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, I got confused where Beth and Janet were. This is what I take away. Beth is a vigilant trying to kill all the abusive husbands. Or else Janet is the killer?
Good writing!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Hello, I got confused where Beth and Janet were. This is what I take away. Beth is a vigilant trying to kill all the abusive husbands. Or else Janet is the killer?
Good writing!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2018
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Thank you for your kind review, I'm sorry you're so confused. Hopefully, this will help.
IN THE FIRST CHAPTER Janet was abused by her husband, she later discovers him bleeding on the floor when she goes to check on him. She sends her little boy Tommy to get help.
THIS CHAPTER the police come in to find her standing over him with a bat covered in blood. Not wanting to go down for a murder she DIDN'T commit, she runs.
THE KILLER (unknown name) sneaks into Beth's house and tries to kill Beth's husband, Steve. Not wanting a witness the killer leaves promising to come back and finish what she started.
I hope this helps, if not please let me know. Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
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It does! Thank you, sounds intriguing.
Comment from dracofelsinensis
The problem with the vigilante's actions is that Janet is now in the frame for her husband's murder ... and I don't think she did it. I'm assuming that the visitor to Beth and Steve is the same as the one who coshed Bill. This person is confident and knows their way around.
"It'll be so nice to go back to those happier days before abusive men took it over." This is rather a generalization from the avenger, of the sort men would not be allowed to make about women, but it does explain her (or his?!) motivation. This chapter reads very well and easily.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018
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The problem with the vigilante's actions is that Janet is now in the frame for her husband's murder ... and I don't think she did it. I'm assuming that the visitor to Beth and Steve is the same as the one who coshed Bill. This person is confident and knows their way around.
"It'll be so nice to go back to those happier days before abusive men took it over." This is rather a generalization from the avenger, of the sort men would not be allowed to make about women, but it does explain her (or his?!) motivation. This chapter reads very well and easily.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for your kind review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Yes, it's the same person. The killer is wanting to get justice for all the abused women in the world. Unfortunately, poor Janet was framed in the process.
Thank you again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
So delicate is the human mind. One minute sane, the next, crazier as a shit-house mouse, as my grandfather used to say. And considering hormones, and women being so high strung anyway, I would just as soon not make one of them too mad. LMAO! Calm down, MistyDawn, I'm only kidding. Trying to get under your skin a little. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018
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So delicate is the human mind. One minute sane, the next, crazier as a shit-house mouse, as my grandfather used to say. And considering hormones, and women being so high strung anyway, I would just as soon not make one of them too mad. LMAO! Calm down, MistyDawn, I'm only kidding. Trying to get under your skin a little. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 22-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018
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Thank you so much for your review. Your comment did get me going for a second, lol. I guess my serial killers are kind of teetering on the edge of sanity although they'd all argue it's for the greater good ridding the world of sexual predators, abusive jerks and, cheaters.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and for getting me briefly rattled, take care.
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Sometimes, my humor is a little hard-boot, but I hope by now you have figured that out. I'm definitely for the abused getting a taste of vengeance, and the predators reaping everything they deserve. You don't even want to know my wishes for the abusers. Have a GREAT weekend! :-)
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I actually needed that. I'd just received a rude letter from an editor who thinks he's the Almighty God. After telling him what I thought where he could go, shove his company, deleting it of course. A struggle in itself but finally decided I didn't want my name on editors blacklist. Your humor was a nice diversion, what I needed. Don't worry the abusers will pay. Hey, you gave me a great idea, I'll write the editor in my story, take out my anger that way.
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Actually, that works. Just writing about our frustrations and aggravations kind of let us cool down gradually, rather than blowing our stacks. Never let editors get under your skin, my dear. If they could really write, they would be doing it. They are editors, and only because they have been programmed to be grammarians and flow-chart manipulators, not writers. Anybody can write words, but do they have those super highways of vision buzzing up, under, around and through their brains at break-neck speeds. Nope! Every editor that I've ever known it BORING. Sorry, I'm sure their are plenty good ones, I've just never met them. You write what you think and feel, and try your damnedest not to let them sway you. Then, in the end, if you have to give a little to get the deal done. So be it. I told Columbia Records and RCA Victor to go to Hell back when I was young, and both had offered recording contracts. Turns out, everyone gets screwed that way in the beginning, but how was I to do. So play their games as best you can, then when you are successful, they'll be kissing your--ugh... hand. Keep up the good work. Sorry, didn't mean to write you a book. :-)
