The High Tundra Drifter
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Starfire Arises"A knight battling climate change
13 total reviews
Comment from apky
I particularly liked the ending of your story, especially after an excellent and well written story. The note of more than hope in the indefinite last paragraph... it could be the father was... or wasn't. But she certainly seems to be of the gene-pool:
She gave her wings a flap surging forward. She appeared as a bird underwater. Each flap gained more speed and altitude. Then she began rolling uncontrollably. Extending the correct wing as before just made the spin go faster. She extended the wrong wing and the roll stopped. Starfire shuttered uncontrollably. Instinctually, she dove hard for speed. Everything became calm and quiet. Her wings now undulated like the flanks of a stingray.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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I particularly liked the ending of your story, especially after an excellent and well written story. The note of more than hope in the indefinite last paragraph... it could be the father was... or wasn't. But she certainly seems to be of the gene-pool:
She gave her wings a flap surging forward. She appeared as a bird underwater. Each flap gained more speed and altitude. Then she began rolling uncontrollably. Extending the correct wing as before just made the spin go faster. She extended the wrong wing and the roll stopped. Starfire shuttered uncontrollably. Instinctually, she dove hard for speed. Everything became calm and quiet. Her wings now undulated like the flanks of a stingray.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Thanks
Comment from karenina
What a magical fable! You had me sold at unicorns..
But so much more! I wasn't expecting the Pegasus tease at the conclusion! Creative, imaginative!
Karenina
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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What a magical fable! You had me sold at unicorns..
But so much more! I wasn't expecting the Pegasus tease at the conclusion! Creative, imaginative!
Karenina
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Thanks - Do we all seek triumph after tragedy? But the goal is to take someone away for a bit. And when they return maybe perspective has changed just a bit. A goal anyway.
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Goal acheved! :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
What a vivid imagination you have Frank, Numrucks and Unicorns! Pure white wings including every colour of the rainbow, like an iridescent colour I expect. A perfect flight, I wish you luck with the next episode, I enjoyed this one, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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What a vivid imagination you have Frank, Numrucks and Unicorns! Pure white wings including every colour of the rainbow, like an iridescent colour I expect. A perfect flight, I wish you luck with the next episode, I enjoyed this one, love Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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You are always so kind -
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is excellent. When I was young, I used to lie on the grass and watch the clouds. I would imagine all sorts of shapes and beasts in them. One that I often saw was a unicorn. I will never think of hem again the same way.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2018
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This is excellent. When I was young, I used to lie on the grass and watch the clouds. I would imagine all sorts of shapes and beasts in them. One that I often saw was a unicorn. I will never think of hem again the same way.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2018
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They are up there but you can?t see them unless you believe
Comment from Harry Smith
I found this short story to be very interesting. The reader was kept interested from the beginning until the end and enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2018
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I found this short story to be very interesting. The reader was kept interested from the beginning until the end and enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2018
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Thanks
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Some of the imagery of this reminds me of the spiritual book Hinds Feet on High Places. You have created great imagery which draws the reader in to understand the setting. It is interesting how the narrator paints the others unicorns to be snobby, two-faced elitists. Other readers like this one may find themselves scattering to look up some of your words. Very clever which I also looked up neologism. You make it so believable by describing them as if there was wikipedia on them. One of my favorite lines is "You could see the color of every person on earth in harmony together. " You have created mystery and suspense and the ending allusion will have the reader if not before. Well written,
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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Some of the imagery of this reminds me of the spiritual book Hinds Feet on High Places. You have created great imagery which draws the reader in to understand the setting. It is interesting how the narrator paints the others unicorns to be snobby, two-faced elitists. Other readers like this one may find themselves scattering to look up some of your words. Very clever which I also looked up neologism. You make it so believable by describing them as if there was wikipedia on them. One of my favorite lines is "You could see the color of every person on earth in harmony together. " You have created mystery and suspense and the ending allusion will have the reader if not before. Well written,
Comment Written 24-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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You are so kind
Comment from Artasylum
It is very likely I have this quotient. It is so fun and I want to live in this little universe you have created... another good one frank. Thanks for all the support. yours, diana
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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It is very likely I have this quotient. It is so fun and I want to live in this little universe you have created... another good one frank. Thanks for all the support. yours, diana
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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Thanks
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Frank, Starfire's little trick would work on me, too. LOL. You write great descriptions": '... they flow in the wind like the golden wheat of the plain... '
I enjoyed this story. And you don't waffle when you describe actions and places, etc, but make every word count. Such a good attribute in a writer. Like here: '...The ripped hide spewed a fine mist of bright pink blood, when the blood cleared, such magnificent wings ...'
You also built the tension and I really thought it was touch and go there for a while. But, your ending is so good. All is well, and the question about Pegasus is just enough to wet our appetites and keep the reader wondering, and it also opens the way for a sequel. Nice writing, and worthy of a six. Ana.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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Hello Frank, Starfire's little trick would work on me, too. LOL. You write great descriptions": '... they flow in the wind like the golden wheat of the plain... '
I enjoyed this story. And you don't waffle when you describe actions and places, etc, but make every word count. Such a good attribute in a writer. Like here: '...The ripped hide spewed a fine mist of bright pink blood, when the blood cleared, such magnificent wings ...'
You also built the tension and I really thought it was touch and go there for a while. But, your ending is so good. All is well, and the question about Pegasus is just enough to wet our appetites and keep the reader wondering, and it also opens the way for a sequel. Nice writing, and worthy of a six. Ana.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2018
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Hopefully this will morph into a book about a top climate change scientist. Starfire and he will face the challenges of those intent on debunking it.
Comment from giraffmang
I liked the idea and theme behind this piece very much. The transformative aspect was intriguing.
A few bits & pieces I noted as I read-
among the sedrack - not sure what this is, the dictionary doesn't appear to have it. I see you explain it later on but you use it twice before doing so. Maybe an explanation earlier would help. You do the same thing with numruck as well.
they prefer to sojourn with pure stock - sojourn feels an odd choice here.
to the taste of Apple and carrot - unnecessary capitalisation here.
Its stubby bumblebee wings make a bussing sound much like a light sabre.- buzzing rather than bussing. Also, the lightsabre simile doesn't really work. You want an image to stay in keeping within the world you're creating. It lifts the piece out too much.
Some of the descriptions detract from the main story too much. They're not germane.
As an unwitting creature, trundles by be it unicorn, horse, goat, or pig, it leaps in the air with thunderous wings. - thunderous? This doesn't really meet the image of the hum/buzz from earlier.
fate had been set and one she trundled. - on she trundled.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2018
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I liked the idea and theme behind this piece very much. The transformative aspect was intriguing.
A few bits & pieces I noted as I read-
among the sedrack - not sure what this is, the dictionary doesn't appear to have it. I see you explain it later on but you use it twice before doing so. Maybe an explanation earlier would help. You do the same thing with numruck as well.
they prefer to sojourn with pure stock - sojourn feels an odd choice here.
to the taste of Apple and carrot - unnecessary capitalisation here.
Its stubby bumblebee wings make a bussing sound much like a light sabre.- buzzing rather than bussing. Also, the lightsabre simile doesn't really work. You want an image to stay in keeping within the world you're creating. It lifts the piece out too much.
Some of the descriptions detract from the main story too much. They're not germane.
As an unwitting creature, trundles by be it unicorn, horse, goat, or pig, it leaps in the air with thunderous wings. - thunderous? This doesn't really meet the image of the hum/buzz from earlier.
fate had been set and one she trundled. - on she trundled.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 18-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2018
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Grear comments Thanks!!
Comment from cupa tea
Very imaginative story. Fits right into the contest...Just be careful with incomplete sentences...I find it helps if you make sure you have both something doing something like a person and an action...
So, if you have Mary in your sentence then you need to have Mary doing something.
Mary watched them walk away. See what I mean...Mary is doing something...a noun Mary and a verb watched...the object of her actions is watching them walk away...
Good luck in the contest!
Tiny as unicorns go
Incomplete sentence...
Four feet at the withers.
Incomplete sentence
The other unicorns called her hunchback, of course(, but) not to her face.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Very imaginative story. Fits right into the contest...Just be careful with incomplete sentences...I find it helps if you make sure you have both something doing something like a person and an action...
So, if you have Mary in your sentence then you need to have Mary doing something.
Mary watched them walk away. See what I mean...Mary is doing something...a noun Mary and a verb watched...the object of her actions is watching them walk away...
Good luck in the contest!
Tiny as unicorns go
Incomplete sentence...
Four feet at the withers.
Incomplete sentence
The other unicorns called her hunchback, of course(, but) not to her face.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Thanks!!
