A Shattered Dream
Entry to the Share A Story in A Poem site contest37 total reviews
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Superb imagery painted here Tony, the whales back, a hump of hills, terrific but the description within the second stanza was just fantastic, akin to much of the dialogue in Moby Dick, a book I love.
Loved it
Mitchell
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Superb imagery painted here Tony, the whales back, a hump of hills, terrific but the description within the second stanza was just fantastic, akin to much of the dialogue in Moby Dick, a book I love.
Loved it
Mitchell
Comment Written 08-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this, Mitchel. I'm currently reading a book about the Nantucket whalers and the sinking of the whaling ship, Essex, by a Sperm Whale - which was, I understand, the inspiration for Moby Dick. It's a gripping tale.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Tony,
I do enjoy a tale of past times especially with a rich historical content.
Very descriptive and captures the brute force with which the land was carved to soon the white man's needs.
The Dreamtime is of such cultural significance which you have highlighted well.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Hi Tony,
I do enjoy a tale of past times especially with a rich historical content.
Very descriptive and captures the brute force with which the land was carved to soon the white man's needs.
The Dreamtime is of such cultural significance which you have highlighted well.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Shirley. This is a theme that I may pursue further. I appreciate your award of six stars. Very kind of you! All the best, Tony
Comment from RGstar
Liked the clean action of words here Tony. There is an aura of preciseness in which the adjectives and verbs articulate on top of nouns; their base. Really liked the descriptive power that induce and seduce with imagery.
If there was one thing I noticed straight away, would be in the second stanza...apart from the dash at the end.
"and here, each wintertime, the whales return,
slap-wallow tails, and spurt their crystal spume,
to birth and tend the young leviathan
in shallow bays, but early settlers preyed
on them, to fuel a want for light and hope
of scent and female corsetry - and soap"
I feel far too many commas in there Tony. I am a man that like to flow on also, and constantly have to be aware. A semi colon or a full stop may do the trick.
Great write.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Liked the clean action of words here Tony. There is an aura of preciseness in which the adjectives and verbs articulate on top of nouns; their base. Really liked the descriptive power that induce and seduce with imagery.
If there was one thing I noticed straight away, would be in the second stanza...apart from the dash at the end.
"and here, each wintertime, the whales return,
slap-wallow tails, and spurt their crystal spume,
to birth and tend the young leviathan
in shallow bays, but early settlers preyed
on them, to fuel a want for light and hope
of scent and female corsetry - and soap"
I feel far too many commas in there Tony. I am a man that like to flow on also, and constantly have to be aware. A semi colon or a full stop may do the trick.
Great write.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Roy. This is a theme that I may pursue further. I appreciate your award of six stars. Very kind of you! I've had another look through and removed one or two of the commas. All the best, Tony
Comment from easyeverett1
Hello friend. I have never lived by the sea but I have been an addicted fan of the great seafaring novels from Melville's 'Moby Dick' to 'In The Heart Of The Sea: The Tragedy Of The Whale-ship Essex' by Nathaniel Phillbrick. It recounts the legendary tale of the whale-ship Essex and its tragic voyage in 1820 out of the historic whaling island of Nantucket, Massachusetts. They sailed down around the horn to the far-flung waters of the Pacific. To me it is a story of the glory of the whales and the whalers. Maybe you, because of your obvious passion for the subject have read it but if not I will give you one grand historic incident that happened one thousand miles from land. The Essex had harvested several whales and were processing them in the hold. It is a bloody and brutal thing to read and evidently a giant Sperm Whale, possibly the dominant whale of the herd, sat atop the water, still as a giant marble apparition, about one thousand yards off the bow of the ship. It continued to lie frozen, intently observing the massive blood float leaking from the hold into the water surrounding the ship. The giant whale, survivors said was the largest whale or mammal they had ever seen or wanted to see again, began to move toward the whaler at an ever increasing speed. This action was an anomalous event never before witnessed by the crew or captain. As the whale continued to accelerate both the crew and captain became quite anxious because it was heading directly toward the lee side of their vessel. It did not vary its path until the inevitable collision took place and shook the very timber of the ship with such violence most sailors thought the ship would sink right then. I'll quit here except to say it did sink and then the story really begins. Great write tfawcus. I've written quite a few poems about the sea. If I post one you will know it I think. Take care and again just a most superior write my friend. tom
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2018
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Hello friend. I have never lived by the sea but I have been an addicted fan of the great seafaring novels from Melville's 'Moby Dick' to 'In The Heart Of The Sea: The Tragedy Of The Whale-ship Essex' by Nathaniel Phillbrick. It recounts the legendary tale of the whale-ship Essex and its tragic voyage in 1820 out of the historic whaling island of Nantucket, Massachusetts. They sailed down around the horn to the far-flung waters of the Pacific. To me it is a story of the glory of the whales and the whalers. Maybe you, because of your obvious passion for the subject have read it but if not I will give you one grand historic incident that happened one thousand miles from land. The Essex had harvested several whales and were processing them in the hold. It is a bloody and brutal thing to read and evidently a giant Sperm Whale, possibly the dominant whale of the herd, sat atop the water, still as a giant marble apparition, about one thousand yards off the bow of the ship. It continued to lie frozen, intently observing the massive blood float leaking from the hold into the water surrounding the ship. The giant whale, survivors said was the largest whale or mammal they had ever seen or wanted to see again, began to move toward the whaler at an ever increasing speed. This action was an anomalous event never before witnessed by the crew or captain. As the whale continued to accelerate both the crew and captain became quite anxious because it was heading directly toward the lee side of their vessel. It did not vary its path until the inevitable collision took place and shook the very timber of the ship with such violence most sailors thought the ship would sink right then. I'll quit here except to say it did sink and then the story really begins. Great write tfawcus. I've written quite a few poems about the sea. If I post one you will know it I think. Take care and again just a most superior write my friend. tom
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2018
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Thanks for the review, Tom, the six stars, and the information. No, I've not read 'In The Heart Of The Sea' by Nathaniel Phillbrick, but have just downloaded a Kindle copy. It sounds like quite a book. I gather there's a film of it too, but films are generally a disappointment when set against compelling writing. It's years since I've read Moby Dick, and I might even get around to that again sometime. My current interest is in relation to Wabigoon's Power Poetry class, part of which involves considering one's local landscape in relationship to its mythology. The long thin range of foothills behind Victor Harbor resembles the outline of a whale?s back when viewed from the coast, and it forms an integral part of the Whale Dreaming of the Ngarrindjeri, the indigenous people of the region. Our farm sits squarely on its back. Victor Harbor was a whaling station in the 19th century, but is now a popular tourist resort.
Comment from Ella Gott
Awesome! This is a great poem and it definitely gets 5 stars. I would be totally honored if you would check out some of my work and give feedback! I hope I will be as talented as you someday.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Awesome! This is a great poem and it definitely gets 5 stars. I would be totally honored if you would check out some of my work and give feedback! I hope I will be as talented as you someday.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Ella. This is a theme that I may pursue further. I enjoyed reading your latest post. All the best, Tony
Comment from Bill Schott
This story poem, A Shattered Dream, is so well put together to defy formatting or categorization. The plight of the whales, facing the needs and wants of humanity, striving to rise through the slaughter of whales. Poignant and a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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This story poem, A Shattered Dream, is so well put together to defy formatting or categorization. The plight of the whales, facing the needs and wants of humanity, striving to rise through the slaughter of whales. Poignant and a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Bill. This is a theme that I may pursue further. All the best, Tony
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Tony, this is a very strong, descriptive piece and a great entry to the contest. The thing is, it still goes on, unnecessarily. It's horrific the way the Japanese are killing poor whales, in their hundreds. Your second stanza is very moving - the whales must come in to the shallows to birth their young - I like your use of 'young Leviathan'.
and here, each wintertime, the whales return,
slap-wallow tails, and spurt their crystal spume,.... lovely line.
to birth and tend the young leviathan
in shallow bays, but early settlers preyed
on them, to fuel a want for light and hope
of scent and female corsetry - and soap
A powerful piece with unusual rhyme. Good luck - Dorothy
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
|
Hi Tony, this is a very strong, descriptive piece and a great entry to the contest. The thing is, it still goes on, unnecessarily. It's horrific the way the Japanese are killing poor whales, in their hundreds. Your second stanza is very moving - the whales must come in to the shallows to birth their young - I like your use of 'young Leviathan'.
and here, each wintertime, the whales return,
slap-wallow tails, and spurt their crystal spume,.... lovely line.
to birth and tend the young leviathan
in shallow bays, but early settlers preyed
on them, to fuel a want for light and hope
of scent and female corsetry - and soap
A powerful piece with unusual rhyme. Good luck - Dorothy
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Dorothy. This is a theme that I may pursue further. I'm experimenting a bit with slant rhymes and irregular rhyme schemes at the moment. All the best, Tony
Comment from misscookie
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
The art work you choose is perfect for your poem
I don' know if it that my husband was a surf fisherman Or I love the beach
what ever I could smell the waters anus see the mighty Wales at sea.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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You captured my attention from the first line to the last
The art work you choose is perfect for your poem
I don' know if it that my husband was a surf fisherman Or I love the beach
what ever I could smell the waters anus see the mighty Wales at sea.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 07-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Cookie. This is a theme that I may pursue further. All the best, Tony
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Your very welcome, good luck in the future.
Cookie
Comment from Dumbledor
A great verse full of history and learning...with a sense of regret and sadness at the plight of the whales. Very well written and enjoyable to read. Nicely done and with a great image attached adding to the feel of past history.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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A great verse full of history and learning...with a sense of regret and sadness at the plight of the whales. Very well written and enjoyable to read. Nicely done and with a great image attached adding to the feel of past history.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2018
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Good of you to drop by and review this. I appreciate your kind comments. Best wishes Tony.
Comment from frierajac
Its a very likely take on whaling without being judgmental: the surreality of the bones of ancestors of the tribe could be seen as also whale flesh as mammal flesh and not fractured, as its soft and warm like the ladies in corsets. Just a thought.
Anyway, which of your books do you think I would appreciate the most, as I may only be able to get one?
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Its a very likely take on whaling without being judgmental: the surreality of the bones of ancestors of the tribe could be seen as also whale flesh as mammal flesh and not fractured, as its soft and warm like the ladies in corsets. Just a thought.
Anyway, which of your books do you think I would appreciate the most, as I may only be able to get one?
Comment Written 06-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2018
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Many thanks for your review and comments, Carolyn. This is a theme that I may pursue further. I appreciate your award of six stars. Very kind of you! I'm not sure which of my three books of poetry would appeal to you the most, but the earler ones do have the attraction of having been reduced in price on Amazon. All the best, Tony
