This House
A story in a poem51 total reviews
Comment from N.K. Wagner
What started out as a pleasant stroll turned into a nightmare for your protagonist. It's a good thing it was only a dream.
You've chosen to use 12 syllables per line. But STANZA 2, LINE 2 has only 11; STANZA 3, LINE 4 has only 10. The missing syllables mess with the otherwise smooth rhythm.
"And then what to my wondering eyes should appear" is a direct quote from "The Night Before Christmas". Works well in a dream sequence, but It should be credited in your notes.
All in all, this is a good story poem, Jmf. Best of luck in the contest.
:) Nancy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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What started out as a pleasant stroll turned into a nightmare for your protagonist. It's a good thing it was only a dream.
You've chosen to use 12 syllables per line. But STANZA 2, LINE 2 has only 11; STANZA 3, LINE 4 has only 10. The missing syllables mess with the otherwise smooth rhythm.
"And then what to my wondering eyes should appear" is a direct quote from "The Night Before Christmas". Works well in a dream sequence, but It should be credited in your notes.
All in all, this is a good story poem, Jmf. Best of luck in the contest.
:) Nancy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Hi Nancy, Thank you so much for the thoughtful review. I checked my syllable count and you are absolutely right about STANZA 2, LINE 2.
In STANZA 3, LINE 4, you said there are only 10.
It reads, "as it scares everyone and for that, there?s no doubt." which I still get 12.
You are also correct about the Clements quote from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas". I have so noted in my notes.
Thank you so much for reading and for the encouraging review.
Blessing
Janet
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I must've miscounted, Janet. Sorry for that. I enjoyed your poem. :) Nancy
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no problem. so glad you liked the poem and thank you for the good wishes.
Janet
Comment from writerjen
Nicely written Share a Story in a Poem contest entry...you wrote with the good imagery, creative descriptive language. I could visualize you walking up to the run down, old house. It's that house every town has, once beautiful then eventually dilapidated and abandoned. My only critique is the waking up from a dream is so over used, might have thought up another way to convey a twist. Otherwise, well done.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Nicely written Share a Story in a Poem contest entry...you wrote with the good imagery, creative descriptive language. I could visualize you walking up to the run down, old house. It's that house every town has, once beautiful then eventually dilapidated and abandoned. My only critique is the waking up from a dream is so over used, might have thought up another way to convey a twist. Otherwise, well done.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you for your thoughtful review.
blessings
Janet
Comment from jppoet
Nah, you are much too an Angel to scare anyone, except the devil, as anyone can see in this charming poem. Replete as well with sweetness of your rhymes within majestic metrical musicalities. Forget Dean, (my
favorite poet), just stay the straight-from-the-heart sweet heart that you
are. Blessings, john
ps; please review-peek at my VALENTINE'S DAY poem in the upcoming Fanstory VALENTINE POETRY contest. Many members say that have never seen such a TRIPLICATE ACROSTIC.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Nah, you are much too an Angel to scare anyone, except the devil, as anyone can see in this charming poem. Replete as well with sweetness of your rhymes within majestic metrical musicalities. Forget Dean, (my
favorite poet), just stay the straight-from-the-heart sweet heart that you
are. Blessings, john
ps; please review-peek at my VALENTINE'S DAY poem in the upcoming Fanstory VALENTINE POETRY contest. Many members say that have never seen such a TRIPLICATE ACROSTIC.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you for your sweet and encouraging review.
I will definitely check out your Valentine's Day poem. I don't think I have ever seen a triplicate acrostic either.
blessings
Janet
Comment from doggymad
This was a good write and you have depicted the old house perfectly.
However, while the house might give me the shivers on a dark night, I would prefer to take no chances.
Dreams can be terrifying real at times though
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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This was a good write and you have depicted the old house perfectly.
However, while the house might give me the shivers on a dark night, I would prefer to take no chances.
Dreams can be terrifying real at times though
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Freda for your sweet and encouraging review.
blessings
Janet
Comment from JDRBAR
Wasn't expecting the last line. Well done and very well written. I saw nothing to criticize so that good. Good luck with this in the contest. I really like it.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Wasn't expecting the last line. Well done and very well written. I saw nothing to criticize so that good. Good luck with this in the contest. I really like it.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you for your sweet and encouraging review.
blessings
Janet
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I was thinking , that is what is happening to my house. We are unable to keep up with the yard work and not rich enough to hire help. It is a sad situation. My window boxes didn't even get planted last year. Maybe this year we will. Well done Janet. The story sure had a surprise at the end. LOL Nancy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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I was thinking , that is what is happening to my house. We are unable to keep up with the yard work and not rich enough to hire help. It is a sad situation. My window boxes didn't even get planted last year. Maybe this year we will. Well done Janet. The story sure had a surprise at the end. LOL Nancy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Nancy for your encouraging review. So glad that you liked it my friend.
Hope Spring gets here soon and you get to plant flowers in your window boxes this year. I only have perennials any more. They have to come up each year themselves. haha
blessings
Janet
Comment from Pantygynt
The house did remind me a bit of the motel in 'Psycho' but yes the pic was scarier than the poem. I take it that the brawny men in blue were members of your city's finest. In the UK you can tell the difference between the police and Santa Clause even if colour blind. Santa's the one going "Ho, ho, ho" and the cops go "Nah then, nah then! What's goin' on 'ere?"
An attractive anapaestic tetrameter provides a great background rythm to this.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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The house did remind me a bit of the motel in 'Psycho' but yes the pic was scarier than the poem. I take it that the brawny men in blue were members of your city's finest. In the UK you can tell the difference between the police and Santa Clause even if colour blind. Santa's the one going "Ho, ho, ho" and the cops go "Nah then, nah then! What's goin' on 'ere?"
An attractive anapaestic tetrameter provides a great background rythm to this.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Jim for your fun and encouraging review. I always appreciate your comments.
blessings
Janet
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Who can figure out why we dream what we dream. It all makes sense when we're asleep, but when we wake up we wonder where the "men in blue" came from and why. :) Our dreams tell a story to us, and our brain is trying to work something out while we sleep. I like to call it 'night work'.
This is an excellent entry for the contest, Janet. "I was sure that he must be a Santa Claus clone" is my favourite line. I enjoyed your story in a poem. Good luck in the contest, Janet. ~~ Connie
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Who can figure out why we dream what we dream. It all makes sense when we're asleep, but when we wake up we wonder where the "men in blue" came from and why. :) Our dreams tell a story to us, and our brain is trying to work something out while we sleep. I like to call it 'night work'.
This is an excellent entry for the contest, Janet. "I was sure that he must be a Santa Claus clone" is my favourite line. I enjoyed your story in a poem. Good luck in the contest, Janet. ~~ Connie
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Connie for your sweet and encouraging review. I liked the Santa Claus clone line too.
blessings
Janet
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I loved your story in a poem, but had a giggle that you thought you'd do a Dean! lol, I wouldn't even put my big toe on that road! LOL. But, it's a fabulous story anyway, so don't fret about it. I'm sure it will be very well in the contest. I love old houses, and the one in your picture does look very grand. I like the line where you say the old house looks lonely, I think they do when they are left empty for a while. They have the soul of family life in the bricks and woodwork, take that soul away and it will droop and look sad and abandoned. Well done, Janet, it was a lovely poem. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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I loved your story in a poem, but had a giggle that you thought you'd do a Dean! lol, I wouldn't even put my big toe on that road! LOL. But, it's a fabulous story anyway, so don't fret about it. I'm sure it will be very well in the contest. I love old houses, and the one in your picture does look very grand. I like the line where you say the old house looks lonely, I think they do when they are left empty for a while. They have the soul of family life in the bricks and woodwork, take that soul away and it will droop and look sad and abandoned. Well done, Janet, it was a lovely poem. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Sandra for your fun and encouraging review.
Dean is way out of my league - especially in the horror genre but it was a momentary lapse in judgement. haha
blessings
Janet
Comment from TAB_that's me
lol. I am laughing right now at your notes!
I love those old Victorian ornate houses but when not cared, they are intimidating and scary looking.
I liked the poem and the 'horror' in as well as the fun:)
teresa
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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lol. I am laughing right now at your notes!
I love those old Victorian ornate houses but when not cared, they are intimidating and scary looking.
I liked the poem and the 'horror' in as well as the fun:)
teresa
Comment Written 03-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2018
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Thank you Teresa for your sweet and encouraging review.
blessings
Janet
