The Bloody Valentine
A murder mystery, can they solve it? (2550 Words)18 total reviews
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
On the trip back to the station, no one said a word until they were about to pull into the back of the jail. Alarico spoke up and asked, "So how did you figure it out?"
Frank looked in the rearview mirror, into the eyes of Alarico. "The bloody valentine."
I loved this. Very well written. I will look forward to reading more of your excellent writing love Meia xx
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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On the trip back to the station, no one said a word until they were about to pull into the back of the jail. Alarico spoke up and asked, "So how did you figure it out?"
Frank looked in the rearview mirror, into the eyes of Alarico. "The bloody valentine."
I loved this. Very well written. I will look forward to reading more of your excellent writing love Meia xx
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really very good. You used the contest title to good effect and it worked brilliantly. There is always a clue somewhere, you just have to find it. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
One little error, take out one of the 'Hit's out. xx
Looks like the wounds hit [hit] him in the heart."
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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That was really very good. You used the contest title to good effect and it worked brilliantly. There is always a clue somewhere, you just have to find it. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
One little error, take out one of the 'Hit's out. xx
Looks like the wounds hit [hit] him in the heart."
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words. The correction has been made.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Bloody Valentine writing prompt.
A good story, well told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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I think this is a good entry for the Bloody Valentine writing prompt.
A good story, well told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from giraffmang
This is a nicely worked out piece, and all comes together well at the end.
About 5-foot-eight - it's best not mix forms, use either spelling or numerals.
were about a half-inch in width. "Narrow blade - not a narrow blade if half an inch wide. I think that should be length.
"Where's the women who found him? - need closing speech marks here.
Enrique led us to where to two women - delete the use of the second 'to' here.
You find anything else, distinguished marks - distinguishing marks.
I pulled a pair of latex gloves from my jacket pocket before taking the bag I look at it like, it is nothing but the start of the weekend - don't really need the comma here. - would he not have also used gloves when he examined the body earlier?
If our victim gets stabbed and falls forward . . . it doesn't make sense - it also doesn't make sense that he was evidently lying on his back when the detectives arrived... (no mention of the body having been moved)
towards where the body had laid -I think in this instance it would be lain.
around the corner from here. I'll drive" - need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
questioning the boys about another garden complaint?'- you end this dialogue with the single mark whereas everywhere else you use the double.
Mrs. Rodriguez's garden, who do you think it might be."- should probably have a question mark here.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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This is a nicely worked out piece, and all comes together well at the end.
About 5-foot-eight - it's best not mix forms, use either spelling or numerals.
were about a half-inch in width. "Narrow blade - not a narrow blade if half an inch wide. I think that should be length.
"Where's the women who found him? - need closing speech marks here.
Enrique led us to where to two women - delete the use of the second 'to' here.
You find anything else, distinguished marks - distinguishing marks.
I pulled a pair of latex gloves from my jacket pocket before taking the bag I look at it like, it is nothing but the start of the weekend - don't really need the comma here. - would he not have also used gloves when he examined the body earlier?
If our victim gets stabbed and falls forward . . . it doesn't make sense - it also doesn't make sense that he was evidently lying on his back when the detectives arrived... (no mention of the body having been moved)
towards where the body had laid -I think in this instance it would be lain.
around the corner from here. I'll drive" - need end punctuation before the closing speech marks.
questioning the boys about another garden complaint?'- you end this dialogue with the single mark whereas everywhere else you use the double.
Mrs. Rodriguez's garden, who do you think it might be."- should probably have a question mark here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the thorough review and critique.
Comment from cupa tea
I didn't think the story was long at all. You did a nice job of writing it. You might consider, in the future, adding little things like, eyes blinking, fussing with hair,you know body language to help add realness to your story. People thinking helps too.
I almost forgot to add. I liked the ending very much. It was a good idea to use bloody valentine!
Good luck with the contest!
And sometimes, things do get a little crazy; but, I look at it like, it is nothing but the start of the weekend.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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I didn't think the story was long at all. You did a nice job of writing it. You might consider, in the future, adding little things like, eyes blinking, fussing with hair,you know body language to help add realness to your story. People thinking helps too.
I almost forgot to add. I liked the ending very much. It was a good idea to use bloody valentine!
Good luck with the contest!
And sometimes, things do get a little crazy; but, I look at it like, it is nothing but the start of the weekend.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words, and the tip at the end.
Comment from Cycler
Well written - nice practice for you. I was engaged from the onset and through the whole story. Nice job with all aspects: Dialogue, character development, intrigue and mystery, action, descriptions, etc. A nicely written story!
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Well written - nice practice for you. I was engaged from the onset and through the whole story. Nice job with all aspects: Dialogue, character development, intrigue and mystery, action, descriptions, etc. A nicely written story!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
"I haven't seen anybody."
Wouldn't Carlos be more likely to say "I ain't seen nobody"? Same is true for most of their lines.
Good story, held my interest. :)
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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"I haven't seen anybody."
Wouldn't Carlos be more likely to say "I ain't seen nobody"? Same is true for most of their lines.
Good story, held my interest. :)
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and critique.
Comment from Wetbelly01
I'd have to say you did real well with this piece...
The story was easy to follow... Didn't see any bad issues...
Pretty good deduction of the evidence and the neat way
of getting the needed fingerprints of the prime suspect...
My compliments!... Well Done, as far as I'm concerned!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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I'd have to say you did real well with this piece...
The story was easy to follow... Didn't see any bad issues...
Pretty good deduction of the evidence and the neat way
of getting the needed fingerprints of the prime suspect...
My compliments!... Well Done, as far as I'm concerned!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
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You're very welcome!
