Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "Sibling Bond/Part Two"A Novel of the Breedline Series
6 total reviews
Comment from ngage
Another captivating chapter, Shana. Your amazing ability to weave in and out of scenes is true talent.
Now that the Breedline finally has Tessa's location, I fret something is going to delay her rescue.
It also looks grim for Mia ad Sebastian had managed to capture her and his son. Looking forward to your next post.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Another captivating chapter, Shana. Your amazing ability to weave in and out of scenes is true talent.
Now that the Breedline finally has Tessa's location, I fret something is going to delay her rescue.
It also looks grim for Mia ad Sebastian had managed to capture her and his son. Looking forward to your next post.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Thank you, ngage! :)
It seems you never get tired of my stories. You're the bright shiny star that motivates me my dear friend.
Sincerely,
Shana :)
Comment from apky
I loved the photo and still marvel at how you manage to do the "blending" of wolf and human in the picture. I've seen some other "blend" such as headshot of a person above a city's skyline but yours are unique.
The story, as usual, was brilliant, complicated, intriguing, and full of action. You have some fabulous shock tactics which don't allow the reader time to take a breath for a single moment. Edge of seat!
Suggestions below, and I hope they're helpful.
The decisions they were faced with right now was some place between right and wrong. ~ Left as it is, the sentence would be grammatically incorrect (decisions being plural, "was" singular). The best I suggest is to use a verb instead of "was", e.g.
The decisions they were faced with right now STRADDLED some place between right and wrong.
When it came down to saving his precious family from the monster like Sebastian Crow ~ "the monster like SC..." You need to delete "like" or turn "the" into "a"
"If you try to put up a fight, I'll shoot you right in front of the baby," a deep, cold voice demanded Mia didn't recognize ~ >a deep, cold voice Mia didn't recognize demanded.< You could also add "that Mia didn't recognize", but the "that" is actually unnecessary.
Ever fondly,
Aki
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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I loved the photo and still marvel at how you manage to do the "blending" of wolf and human in the picture. I've seen some other "blend" such as headshot of a person above a city's skyline but yours are unique.
The story, as usual, was brilliant, complicated, intriguing, and full of action. You have some fabulous shock tactics which don't allow the reader time to take a breath for a single moment. Edge of seat!
Suggestions below, and I hope they're helpful.
The decisions they were faced with right now was some place between right and wrong. ~ Left as it is, the sentence would be grammatically incorrect (decisions being plural, "was" singular). The best I suggest is to use a verb instead of "was", e.g.
The decisions they were faced with right now STRADDLED some place between right and wrong.
When it came down to saving his precious family from the monster like Sebastian Crow ~ "the monster like SC..." You need to delete "like" or turn "the" into "a"
"If you try to put up a fight, I'll shoot you right in front of the baby," a deep, cold voice demanded Mia didn't recognize ~ >a deep, cold voice Mia didn't recognize demanded.< You could also add "that Mia didn't recognize", but the "that" is actually unnecessary.
Ever fondly,
Aki
Comment Written 23-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Thank you my dear friend :)
Your kind words and thoughtful suggestions are fantastic. Always here to learn and you are a big help. Thanks for keeping up with my story. I know it's hard to find time in our busy day to keep up with FanStory, but I do appreciate you.
Your fan,
Shana :)
Comment from Samilla
Your plot is engaging, however very wordy (for me). Some of the passages you write out should be changed to "show, don't tell". Readers appreciate not being stuffed with the same idea. For instance, when you write about emotions....let them tell it, rather than explaining their feelings.
That being said, your dialogue is engaging and believable. For myself, I have trouble with too many characters being introduced at one time. What is the purpose? Who is your protagonist?
You have done a lot of work on your story and setting, which always makes a different world seem plausible.
Happy Writing!
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Your plot is engaging, however very wordy (for me). Some of the passages you write out should be changed to "show, don't tell". Readers appreciate not being stuffed with the same idea. For instance, when you write about emotions....let them tell it, rather than explaining their feelings.
That being said, your dialogue is engaging and believable. For myself, I have trouble with too many characters being introduced at one time. What is the purpose? Who is your protagonist?
You have done a lot of work on your story and setting, which always makes a different world seem plausible.
Happy Writing!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2018
Comment from royowen
Wow, what a terrific ending to whet the appetite of the reader Shana. A fabulous ending to this episode. I wonder if Steven had anything to do with it. There's no doubt the members of the covenant are angry, so they decide that blood must be spilt. Poor little Arius, taken from a very anxious and angry Mia. Well done, dear friend Shana, outstanding episode. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : a deep, cold voice (that) Mia didn't recognise.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Wow, what a terrific ending to whet the appetite of the reader Shana. A fabulous ending to this episode. I wonder if Steven had anything to do with it. There's no doubt the members of the covenant are angry, so they decide that blood must be spilt. Poor little Arius, taken from a very anxious and angry Mia. Well done, dear friend Shana, outstanding episode. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : a deep, cold voice (that) Mia didn't recognise.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Thank you my dear friend :)
I so happy to hear you enjoyed this chapter. I'm afraid others did not so well. You definitely brought the shine back into my day. Thanks for everything you do. It means a lot to me.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Yours is a terrific well told story, with a little pinch of everything to please readers. Faithful family people, with a great, tight, set of principals to co-exist. Good characters, wonderfully evil antagonists, great synopsis, and a spectacular plot, well dine
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Thank you! That speaks volumes :)
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Welcome Shana
Comment from Allison Lax
The universe you have created in this piece is admirable. My only comment would be to show, don't tell. I would love to have more insight into the characters' inner dialogue.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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The universe you have created in this piece is admirable. My only comment would be to show, don't tell. I would love to have more insight into the characters' inner dialogue.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2018
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Thank you :)
I appreciate you taking the time to read my chapter. Always good to hear other's opinions.
Shana :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Very well said and well done this fantasy fiction, I enjoyed the catch in the beginning and formal plot development, realistic dialogues and characters and curious ending. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
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Very well said and well done this fantasy fiction, I enjoyed the catch in the beginning and formal plot development, realistic dialogues and characters and curious ending. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 22-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
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Thank you Dr. Alcreator :)
It's nice to see you enjoy my Breedline adventures. I hope to keep you coming back!
Sincerely,
Shana :)
