Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "Chapter Achtzehn part vier"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
30 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
Exciting chapter and well written. I understand Shana's parents' concern but they are wise to follow Anderson's advice. Things are really beginning to heat up with this book. Nice work with this chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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Exciting chapter and well written. I understand Shana's parents' concern but they are wise to follow Anderson's advice. Things are really beginning to heat up with this book. Nice work with this chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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Thank you. You're a wonderful friend/
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
To the best of my ability, I'll make sure no harm comes to her physically or emotionally." He offered his hand. After Benjamin accepted it, he added, "Remember I have a princess and I understand a father's love and concern for his daughter." There is always a great deal of realistic emotion expressed in this Barbara. I loved it well done as always you are such a clever and compelling writer love and regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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To the best of my ability, I'll make sure no harm comes to her physically or emotionally." He offered his hand. After Benjamin accepted it, he added, "Remember I have a princess and I understand a father's love and concern for his daughter." There is always a great deal of realistic emotion expressed in this Barbara. I loved it well done as always you are such a clever and compelling writer love and regards Meia xx
Comment Written 18-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
I really enjoyed this story. It's definitely worthy of all of the accolades that it receives. I like everything about it. It is very engaging and keeps your attention. Well done. I eagerly look forward to your next chapter.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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I really enjoyed this story. It's definitely worthy of all of the accolades that it receives. I like everything about it. It is very engaging and keeps your attention. Well done. I eagerly look forward to your next chapter.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from mbroyles2
Anderson seems to be an extremely accommodating person to have around.
Bring your mom, heck even bring the cat.
Now that's a kind of man all women need. :)
Great suspense and drama.
You can just see Benjamin's stone façade break away after Anderson saved Shana.
Very good!
Michael
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Anderson seems to be an extremely accommodating person to have around.
Bring your mom, heck even bring the cat.
Now that's a kind of man all women need. :)
Great suspense and drama.
You can just see Benjamin's stone façade break away after Anderson saved Shana.
Very good!
Michael
Comment Written 17-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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I hope Benjamin comes to appreciate Anderson. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Joel Deniz Nazario
This is clearly an action scene and it does the job well and I can see what you are doing with the choppy short sentences to keep up the pace etc. However, sometimes the "beats" are to frequent and can interfere with this flow. Not every movement needs to be shown between speech and there could be more balance in this area.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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This is clearly an action scene and it does the job well and I can see what you are doing with the choppy short sentences to keep up the pace etc. However, sometimes the "beats" are to frequent and can interfere with this flow. Not every movement needs to be shown between speech and there could be more balance in this area.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Gulbahar Sidhu
Hi
You have a great way of telling a story! I thoroughly enjoyed it. The thrills were well captured and I felt like watching a Hollywood flick right before my eyes in my clinic as I read your chapter.
Many congratulations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Hi
You have a great way of telling a story! I thoroughly enjoyed it. The thrills were well captured and I felt like watching a Hollywood flick right before my eyes in my clinic as I read your chapter.
Many congratulations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from mvbrooks
I believe I've read earlier chapters in this book. The conflict of a boyfriend and parent struggling for who can best protect the girl is a strong, universal theme that works here.
The story starts out smoothly and then runs into some awkward phrasing. Example:
"Additional three men surrounded the four of them. The lead, Matt said, "We have you surrounded put down the weapon and release Ms. Kohlberg."
--need to add "an" before "additional three men"
--the 'additional three me" makes it sound like they are with the two assailants. Then we learn that they are actually with Anderson.
--The lead, Matt said, "We have...
the punctuation suggestion Matt uttered the words "the lead"-- is this the first time Matt appears, or does the reader already know him from an earlier chapter? The familiarity between Anderson and Matt suggests we already know Matt.
Consider:
Three more men enter the room, led by Matt who said, "We have you....
You have four people in the room and then they are "surrounded" by 3 men. How do 3 surround 4? Or do the 3 actually surround the man with a gun? A bit awkward to visualize.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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I believe I've read earlier chapters in this book. The conflict of a boyfriend and parent struggling for who can best protect the girl is a strong, universal theme that works here.
The story starts out smoothly and then runs into some awkward phrasing. Example:
"Additional three men surrounded the four of them. The lead, Matt said, "We have you surrounded put down the weapon and release Ms. Kohlberg."
--need to add "an" before "additional three men"
--the 'additional three me" makes it sound like they are with the two assailants. Then we learn that they are actually with Anderson.
--The lead, Matt said, "We have...
the punctuation suggestion Matt uttered the words "the lead"-- is this the first time Matt appears, or does the reader already know him from an earlier chapter? The familiarity between Anderson and Matt suggests we already know Matt.
Consider:
Three more men enter the room, led by Matt who said, "We have you....
You have four people in the room and then they are "surrounded" by 3 men. How do 3 surround 4? Or do the 3 actually surround the man with a gun? A bit awkward to visualize.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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I liked your suggestion and made the change. I struggled with that sentence and hoped somebody would help. Thank you for the help.
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Thanks for letting me know the suggestion was helpful.
Comment from Zue65
Wow, I like the plot of this story, totally fresh and not the worn-out topics that have been explored by many writers. A story of love blooming amidst the conservative norms of a Jewish family who were more concerned with reputation and honor than the very life of their own daughter. This is really an interesting plot worth looking forward to. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Wow, I like the plot of this story, totally fresh and not the worn-out topics that have been explored by many writers. A story of love blooming amidst the conservative norms of a Jewish family who were more concerned with reputation and honor than the very life of their own daughter. This is really an interesting plot worth looking forward to. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara;
Thank you for sharing the next part of the story. I have a few notes;
'Anderson felt pressure against his back,(no need for the comma here) but willed...)
'...Matt and the rest of the team(+,) Anderson had hired met with...'
'"Let's hope the remainder of the assignment is boring, but just in case, how about less(fewer) donuts?"' (a suggestion - since this is a quotation, he may speak this way.)
'When he finished(+,) he said, "The condo has five bedrooms and three and a half baths.'
'Before he hung up(+,) Shana raised...'
'The men assured me they could protect Shana if nothing changed. Bottom-line, I got out voted (outvoted is one word)."'
'But a wise man knows when he's beaten(+,) and...'
I have the exact same problems with commas. It took quite some time to recognize when it is appropriate before and after the 'and'.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018
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Hi, Barbara;
Thank you for sharing the next part of the story. I have a few notes;
'Anderson felt pressure against his back,(no need for the comma here) but willed...)
'...Matt and the rest of the team(+,) Anderson had hired met with...'
'"Let's hope the remainder of the assignment is boring, but just in case, how about less(fewer) donuts?"' (a suggestion - since this is a quotation, he may speak this way.)
'When he finished(+,) he said, "The condo has five bedrooms and three and a half baths.'
'Before he hung up(+,) Shana raised...'
'The men assured me they could protect Shana if nothing changed. Bottom-line, I got out voted (outvoted is one word)."'
'But a wise man knows when he's beaten(+,) and...'
I have the exact same problems with commas. It took quite some time to recognize when it is appropriate before and after the 'and'.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
Comment Written 15-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018
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I hate commas. I either put too many in or not enough. I truly hate them. Thank you for the help.
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I have learned a great deal from a workbook my daughter bought me, 'Blue Book Grammar,' and a style guide, 'Elements of Style 2017.' They are both available on Amazon.com.
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I have Elements of STyle I will look for the other.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, this is a great new chapter to your book. So Anderson is still going to take good care of Shana. I like that. Great dialogue and action in this chapter. I like the bit about the cats. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018
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Hi Barbara, this is a great new chapter to your book. So Anderson is still going to take good care of Shana. I like that. Great dialogue and action in this chapter. I like the bit about the cats. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 15-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
