Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 59 "Chapter Achtzehn part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
30 total reviews
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. Out of sixes. So the tension between Benjamin and Andersen escalates over Shana's treatment for Tay-Sachs. Curious to see how this affects to plot. Great hook at the end.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. Out of sixes. So the tension between Benjamin and Andersen escalates over Shana's treatment for Tay-Sachs. Curious to see how this affects to plot. Great hook at the end.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Thal1959
It was a bit difficult for me to follow since I haven't read the earlier chapters. The writing is very well done. Found one little "nit" though... "
"You wouldn't have too. I'd pay the rent and I know of a trusted lady, a phone call away, who could stay with Hannah." Should be "to" and not "too."
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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It was a bit difficult for me to follow since I haven't read the earlier chapters. The writing is very well done. Found one little "nit" though... "
"You wouldn't have too. I'd pay the rent and I know of a trusted lady, a phone call away, who could stay with Hannah." Should be "to" and not "too."
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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I will make that correction. You're the only one who caught that. Thank you.
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You're welcome - it was my pleasure.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Shana's father doesn't understand just how MUCH danger she could be in. These thieves are not people to be messed with. But, being a father, he can't help mistrust Anderson, whom he knows is interested in his daughter. What a spot to be in. How can he save face and yet still do the best thing for Shana?
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Shana's father doesn't understand just how MUCH danger she could be in. These thieves are not people to be messed with. But, being a father, he can't help mistrust Anderson, whom he knows is interested in his daughter. What a spot to be in. How can he save face and yet still do the best thing for Shana?
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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We'll have to wait and find out what happens. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Barbara!! What a place to stop! That is one hell of a cliff hanger. Now, perhaps Shana's father will realise what his daughter is up against and her little bedroom at home is not as safe as Benjamin would like to think. Wonderful part, my friend. I will be looking out for the next part next Sunday/Monday. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Barbara!! What a place to stop! That is one hell of a cliff hanger. Now, perhaps Shana's father will realise what his daughter is up against and her little bedroom at home is not as safe as Benjamin would like to think. Wonderful part, my friend. I will be looking out for the next part next Sunday/Monday. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review. See you Sunday.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara;
Anderson has finally had to face the strong beliefs of a Jewish father. I imagine it must be hard for Shana to have her father and mother so upset. But, Anderson is right. Her father doesn't have the resources to protect her from the danger lurking in every corner.
And I think we have some danger at the hospital,
Well done. I look forward to reading more,
~patty~
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Hi, Barbara;
Anderson has finally had to face the strong beliefs of a Jewish father. I imagine it must be hard for Shana to have her father and mother so upset. But, Anderson is right. Her father doesn't have the resources to protect her from the danger lurking in every corner.
And I think we have some danger at the hospital,
Well done. I look forward to reading more,
~patty~
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging and understanding review.
Comment from apky
You've done a marvellous job with this chapter. Your style and voice have greatly improved since I first started to read your story.
Well done, keep it up.
She searched for Anderson and saw him off-to-the-side making phone calls. ~ I like how you fleshed this one out. You didn't simply say something like: She found Anderson and said...
A great style improvement, my friend.
He held (out) a chair for Shana and did the same for the other two ladies.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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You've done a marvellous job with this chapter. Your style and voice have greatly improved since I first started to read your story.
Well done, keep it up.
She searched for Anderson and saw him off-to-the-side making phone calls. ~ I like how you fleshed this one out. You didn't simply say something like: She found Anderson and said...
A great style improvement, my friend.
He held (out) a chair for Shana and did the same for the other two ladies.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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I will check that area. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from debbielynn
This is the first part of your story that I have read. I found it very interesting and very well written although I was a bit lost not knowing what came before.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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This is the first part of your story that I have read. I found it very interesting and very well written although I was a bit lost not knowing what came before.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thank you for taking time to review.
Comment from rama devi
Hello, dear B.
You always have a knack for dramatic closing hooks...wow. And you continue also to have a knack for enhancing characterization and pacing via the avenue of well-portrayed dialog.
A few suggestions:
*Shana turned toward Anderson but said to her father, "I'll be right back."
* "We have bills(.) and now additional bills are mounting.
* "Hannah could go with Sarah(,) and I would fly Paul to Boston every weekend(,) or more often(,) if necessary."
*
"You wouldn't have too. I'd pay the rent(,) and I know of a trusted lady, a phone call away, who could stay with Hannah."
*
"I guess it is." Shana's eyes met Anderson's,(no ,) as she mouthed, "Thank you."
*It's on the top floor(,) and it's secure."
*
"It's a good two and an half hour drive to Chicago," said Benjamin.
Suggest trimming speech tag.
* At a sound of commotion, he glanced toward Shana and ran toward her,(no ,) as he yanked a knife from his back waistband.
Good chapter. Drew me in.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Hello, dear B.
You always have a knack for dramatic closing hooks...wow. And you continue also to have a knack for enhancing characterization and pacing via the avenue of well-portrayed dialog.
A few suggestions:
*Shana turned toward Anderson but said to her father, "I'll be right back."
* "We have bills(.) and now additional bills are mounting.
* "Hannah could go with Sarah(,) and I would fly Paul to Boston every weekend(,) or more often(,) if necessary."
*
"You wouldn't have too. I'd pay the rent(,) and I know of a trusted lady, a phone call away, who could stay with Hannah."
*
"I guess it is." Shana's eyes met Anderson's,(no ,) as she mouthed, "Thank you."
*It's on the top floor(,) and it's secure."
*
"It's a good two and an half hour drive to Chicago," said Benjamin.
Suggest trimming speech tag.
* At a sound of commotion, he glanced toward Shana and ran toward her,(no ,) as he yanked a knife from his back waistband.
Good chapter. Drew me in.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you and I have made all those comma corrections.
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:-)))
Comment from Sis Cat
To me, the most important line of this chapter was when Benjamin told Anderson, "You don't understand how important family is in our culture." Everything--the conflict and characters--revolves around this while the return of the painting fades in the background. Even though Anderson tries to calm fears that he would harm Shana, he fails to grasp that even the appearance of impropriety would harm her reputation:
"You're hurting her reputation so no self-respecting Jewish man would want her."
For right now, Anderson and Shana are at an impasse because of her culture. If I were Shana, I would not be caught sleeping in the same building with Anderson unless she is prepared for her father to disown her. I do not know how this will be resolved. This keeps me reading.
I found a couple of areas in need of correction. Insert a blank line beneath:
your wife and daughter."
I found this sentence confusing because I thought the sister was named Benjamin:
"Shana, you know her sister, and you've met her sister, Benjamin."
This is clearer:
"Shana, you know her sister, and Benjamin, you've met her."
Drop the repetition of "sister."
Also confusing was that you wrote the author's notes beginning with "*Please remember this is . . ." within the story at the end instead of in the author's notes section down below. As a result, I kept reading through the cliffhanger line to the following author's notes which I thought were part of the story before I realized I was reading the notes. Such information should be kept in the notes section so as not to distract from your story and to give the reader an option on whether or not to read it.
I enjoyed the cultural aspect of this chapter and how it is a source of conflict. I will have to wait and see what happened when Anderson grabbed a knife.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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To me, the most important line of this chapter was when Benjamin told Anderson, "You don't understand how important family is in our culture." Everything--the conflict and characters--revolves around this while the return of the painting fades in the background. Even though Anderson tries to calm fears that he would harm Shana, he fails to grasp that even the appearance of impropriety would harm her reputation:
"You're hurting her reputation so no self-respecting Jewish man would want her."
For right now, Anderson and Shana are at an impasse because of her culture. If I were Shana, I would not be caught sleeping in the same building with Anderson unless she is prepared for her father to disown her. I do not know how this will be resolved. This keeps me reading.
I found a couple of areas in need of correction. Insert a blank line beneath:
your wife and daughter."
I found this sentence confusing because I thought the sister was named Benjamin:
"Shana, you know her sister, and you've met her sister, Benjamin."
This is clearer:
"Shana, you know her sister, and Benjamin, you've met her."
Drop the repetition of "sister."
Also confusing was that you wrote the author's notes beginning with "*Please remember this is . . ." within the story at the end instead of in the author's notes section down below. As a result, I kept reading through the cliffhanger line to the following author's notes which I thought were part of the story before I realized I was reading the notes. Such information should be kept in the notes section so as not to distract from your story and to give the reader an option on whether or not to read it.
I enjoyed the cultural aspect of this chapter and how it is a source of conflict. I will have to wait and see what happened when Anderson grabbed a knife.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review. I have the corrections. As always, I appreciate the help.
Comment from Liberty Justice
Yes might not look good for a single woman staying hotel with married man. That could be huge danger if his wife found out. Dialogue with Benjamin and other characters are susoenseful and exciting. WELL WRITTEN.liberty justice
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Yes might not look good for a single woman staying hotel with married man. That could be huge danger if his wife found out. Dialogue with Benjamin and other characters are susoenseful and exciting. WELL WRITTEN.liberty justice
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
