Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Possible Motives"She's back ready for revenge.
8 total reviews
Comment from J A Roberts
This is my first ever review on here so please bare with me.
I felt it was a solid chapter, advancing your events nicely at a steady pace.
obviously it would be hard to gauge as a whole with this being only one chapter.
And I thought the back and forth of the dialogue was well organised and balenced.
One thing that stood out a little was that it felt like all the characters sound the same in terms of speech, which is all very proper English language.
This maybe just personal preference on my part but
I believe it would serve the characters better, and give them more personality if, for example some words were dropped or shortened from some characters dialogue, and some slang words introduced, just to give a feel of a more natural speech pattern a distinguish between the characters levels of intellect.
I'm not for a minute trying to tell you how to write your stuff it's just what I felt when I read it.
A quick example.
"I remember her death now. I was a rookie back then so I didn't get to investigate, but I always thought someone was trying to keep her quiet. A lot of others did too, but no one could prove it was murder."
"I Remember, It was back when I was coming up, but I got a feeling at the time there were people out there who didn't want her speaking up on it, but we couldn't prove it was a murder back then."
Again, perhaps this is just personal preference.
Perhaps a few other things like;
"I sleep on the couch all the time anyhow. Probably more than I do my bed."
I don't think you need to put 'Probably more than I do my bed' as the first part alludes to that fact already.
she explains, forcing a smile on her face.
I would drop 'on her face'. Where else would you force a smile?
I don't mean to offend in any way, like I said I'm just being honest about what I felt when I read it.
Regards. James
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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This is my first ever review on here so please bare with me.
I felt it was a solid chapter, advancing your events nicely at a steady pace.
obviously it would be hard to gauge as a whole with this being only one chapter.
And I thought the back and forth of the dialogue was well organised and balenced.
One thing that stood out a little was that it felt like all the characters sound the same in terms of speech, which is all very proper English language.
This maybe just personal preference on my part but
I believe it would serve the characters better, and give them more personality if, for example some words were dropped or shortened from some characters dialogue, and some slang words introduced, just to give a feel of a more natural speech pattern a distinguish between the characters levels of intellect.
I'm not for a minute trying to tell you how to write your stuff it's just what I felt when I read it.
A quick example.
"I remember her death now. I was a rookie back then so I didn't get to investigate, but I always thought someone was trying to keep her quiet. A lot of others did too, but no one could prove it was murder."
"I Remember, It was back when I was coming up, but I got a feeling at the time there were people out there who didn't want her speaking up on it, but we couldn't prove it was a murder back then."
Again, perhaps this is just personal preference.
Perhaps a few other things like;
"I sleep on the couch all the time anyhow. Probably more than I do my bed."
I don't think you need to put 'Probably more than I do my bed' as the first part alludes to that fact already.
she explains, forcing a smile on her face.
I would drop 'on her face'. Where else would you force a smile?
I don't mean to offend in any way, like I said I'm just being honest about what I felt when I read it.
Regards. James
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Your first review, I feel special. Let me be the first to welcome you to fan story.
You brought up a lot of good points, and I will keep them in mind for future chapters. See, thats one thing I'm working on, trying to bring the character more to life so any input is greatly appreciated. Chapter five the one I just posted I tried to show the softer side of Joe.
Thank you again for you fair review, take care.
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Thanks.
I will check it out. If you have the time maybe you could check my first post, if you don't mind.
Regards.
Comment from apky
You gave a lot of details in this chapter, Misty, which made the writing ring true. I'm always amazed at how much knowledge you display in your writing about police work. Truly well done.
"You better be(,) you little monster."
Just a question for my own interest: What's a DWI and a driving on a suspended?
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2018
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You gave a lot of details in this chapter, Misty, which made the writing ring true. I'm always amazed at how much knowledge you display in your writing about police work. Truly well done.
"You better be(,) you little monster."
Just a question for my own interest: What's a DWI and a driving on a suspended?
Comment Written 01-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2018
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Thank you for such an encouraging review. Dwi is driving while intoxicated and driving on a suspended is short for driving on a suspended license which usually is the punishment for a DWI. DWI can be drugs or alcohol, you can even get one if you're driving a lawnmower inebriated.
Thank you again for all your reviews and your support it means a lot to me, take care.
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Hahahaha! That was a gret one - driving a lawnmawer inebriated! Love your work, always (that's why I hit the ceiling when you muck something up, cos I know you're better that that!)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some good solid scene here with nice tension and deep pov expressed.
desperate wives do make reckless decisions - Desperate.
Be careful of repetitive descriptors of phrasing - take care of business, she concludes / Far from a model citizen, he concludes
plopping linen on the couch / plopping down at his desk.
"That puts a twist on things, now doesn't it - technically this should probably have a question mark.
"Me too," Their safety wasn't - full stop after too rather than a comma.
his name Is Lenard Kanjorski, He's forty-two lives in the apartments on Cherry Street."- punctuation here. Full stop after the name and a comma needed after the age.
she continues her nerve-racking - nerve-wracking.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2017
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Hi there,
Some good solid scene here with nice tension and deep pov expressed.
desperate wives do make reckless decisions - Desperate.
Be careful of repetitive descriptors of phrasing - take care of business, she concludes / Far from a model citizen, he concludes
plopping linen on the couch / plopping down at his desk.
"That puts a twist on things, now doesn't it - technically this should probably have a question mark.
"Me too," Their safety wasn't - full stop after too rather than a comma.
his name Is Lenard Kanjorski, He's forty-two lives in the apartments on Cherry Street."- punctuation here. Full stop after the name and a comma needed after the age.
she continues her nerve-racking - nerve-wracking.
All the best
G
Comment Written 31-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2017
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I've learned a lot this year because of you. So thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me. Hope you have a great new year, take care.
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I can't vote for you just yet, but I will the next review.
Comment from c_lucas
Someone must have watched an old episode of "Highlander." This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
Error
caring (carrying) fresh linen into the front room.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Someone must have watched an old episode of "Highlander." This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
Error
caring (carrying) fresh linen into the front room.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your great review. I've heard of Highlander but never watched it.Maybe I should.
Thanks again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks in continuation, the Berryville Detectives continue to look for the clues, and the process goes on, I enjoyed the catch in the beginning and the plot development to the maturation of the theme of possible motives, the realistic and professionally relevant dialogues, comes to a temporary conclusion with a curious ending. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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This speaks in continuation, the Berryville Detectives continue to look for the clues, and the process goes on, I enjoyed the catch in the beginning and the plot development to the maturation of the theme of possible motives, the realistic and professionally relevant dialogues, comes to a temporary conclusion with a curious ending. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for kind review. I'm glad you 're enjoying the story and the hook at the end. It's always a pleasure hearing from you, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Though I've been off-site for a while and haven't bee following this story, I was able to understand pretty well what's happening (I think!) For the most part, I do think the writing is quite good, though I would love to see more in the area of description, i.e facial expressions, arm movements, scenes, locations, and the use of all five senses. That would help a great deal to engage the reader more into the story and to help it come more to life.
Other notes:
1.) sleeping on the couch?" Bonnie asks, (carrying) fresh linen into the front room.
2.) Life insurance money, desperate wives often make reckless decisions.
--> I don't think this is an actual sentence...?
3.) Not to mention all the other shenanigans he pulls.
--> if this is referring to the dead guy, it would be 'pulled'
4.) "Oh, I'm sorry(.)" She turns to face her.
5.) "He bled out (too) quick to feel much of anything."
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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MD,
Though I've been off-site for a while and haven't bee following this story, I was able to understand pretty well what's happening (I think!) For the most part, I do think the writing is quite good, though I would love to see more in the area of description, i.e facial expressions, arm movements, scenes, locations, and the use of all five senses. That would help a great deal to engage the reader more into the story and to help it come more to life.
Other notes:
1.) sleeping on the couch?" Bonnie asks, (carrying) fresh linen into the front room.
2.) Life insurance money, desperate wives often make reckless decisions.
--> I don't think this is an actual sentence...?
3.) Not to mention all the other shenanigans he pulls.
--> if this is referring to the dead guy, it would be 'pulled'
4.) "Oh, I'm sorry(.)" She turns to face her.
5.) "He bled out (too) quick to feel much of anything."
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review, your helpful suggestions, and your encouragement. I will work on what you suggested with scene, description, facial and body movement in the following chapters.
Thank you again for all of your help, glad you're back, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
Possible Motives has a lot of action that kept me wanting to read more especially the way Rachel is so quite and careful when she is creeping down her dark apartment steps, trying to miss all the squeaky floorboards and saying to herself
"Just a few more steps and I will be home free"
Gert
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Hello Mistydawn
Possible Motives has a lot of action that kept me wanting to read more especially the way Rachel is so quite and careful when she is creeping down her dark apartment steps, trying to miss all the squeaky floorboards and saying to herself
"Just a few more steps and I will be home free"
Gert
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your nice review, I'm so glad you liked it. Rachel is determined to finish her plans, whatever that is, lol.
Thanks again for your kind review and all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You are welcome
Gert
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I'm having trouble sorting out who is who. Jennie, Bonnie, Emma, Rachel... Is one of the last two the killer? You might add a list of characters in the notes.
I went to the beginning and started with Chapter 1. Well written, exciting story. I don't blame her for killing these men, but I do wonder how Max, who is a good dad to his new daughters, could have been guilty of abusing her at one time. Seems out of character.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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I'm having trouble sorting out who is who. Jennie, Bonnie, Emma, Rachel... Is one of the last two the killer? You might add a list of characters in the notes.
I went to the beginning and started with Chapter 1. Well written, exciting story. I don't blame her for killing these men, but I do wonder how Max, who is a good dad to his new daughters, could have been guilty of abusing her at one time. Seems out of character.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review. I will put the list of names at the end like you suggested. He didn't abuse her, just refused to help them financially. The rest of them were abusive. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I'll clarify that in the next chapter.
List of Characters.
Max Webb DA, Rachel, Jessica, and Samatha's dad, Bonnie's husband.
Bonnie Webb Jessica and Samantha's mom, Rachel's stepmom
Rachel Webb Nurse at the hospital. Max and Jeanie's daughter, Jessica's and Samatha's half-sister.
Samantha Webb Max and Bonnie's six-year-old daughter
Jessica Webb Max and Bonnie's 8-year-old daughter.
Jeanie - Rachel's mom
Emma Stone Rachel's cousin.
Joe detective with the Berryville PD
Jerry Detective with the Berryville PD
Kurt forensic analyst with the Berryville PD.
Sorry I had you so confused. I hope this helps. If you're still unsure about something, please let me know.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
