Detective Monroe
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Who, What, Why "Serial murderer and Detective have a commonality
3 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I gave some suggestions to help you. You have a good story but the writing needs help. I didn't rewrite the entire post, the bottom half needs help too.
Dr. Larson was sitting in the big recliner chair when Eddie arrived. She looked at him puzzled, "Eddie, you ok?" Eddie was in his own little world. (large recliner sounds more professional, the last sentence shouldn't be there. Dr. Larson doesn't know Eddie's in his own world. She needs to find that out.)
"Dr. Larson, I have a twin sister, I just found this out when looking for a possible twin, since everyone thinks they see me with these women before they are murdered. (TRY: "Dr. Larson, I have a twin sister. I just discovered this while searching for a possible twin. Everybody thinks they see me with these women before they are murdered. )
"Then you do not believe you are having any blackouts or anything of that sort, do you Eddie?" (people use contractions in speaking - don't)
Both Bartenders said I was at the bar with these women before they were murdered, and I was not. I was on the video tape at the hospital and I was not there." Eddie had frustration in his voice. (TRY: Both bartenders said I was at the bar with these women before they were murdered. I wasn't. I was on the video tape at the hospital." #Show the frustration, don't say he was frustrated. What would Eddie do when frustrated. Know your characters.#
Eddie was becoming angry at what he believed the doctor was insinuating. (Again show us, don't tell us)
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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I gave some suggestions to help you. You have a good story but the writing needs help. I didn't rewrite the entire post, the bottom half needs help too.
Dr. Larson was sitting in the big recliner chair when Eddie arrived. She looked at him puzzled, "Eddie, you ok?" Eddie was in his own little world. (large recliner sounds more professional, the last sentence shouldn't be there. Dr. Larson doesn't know Eddie's in his own world. She needs to find that out.)
"Dr. Larson, I have a twin sister, I just found this out when looking for a possible twin, since everyone thinks they see me with these women before they are murdered. (TRY: "Dr. Larson, I have a twin sister. I just discovered this while searching for a possible twin. Everybody thinks they see me with these women before they are murdered. )
"Then you do not believe you are having any blackouts or anything of that sort, do you Eddie?" (people use contractions in speaking - don't)
Both Bartenders said I was at the bar with these women before they were murdered, and I was not. I was on the video tape at the hospital and I was not there." Eddie had frustration in his voice. (TRY: Both bartenders said I was at the bar with these women before they were murdered. I wasn't. I was on the video tape at the hospital." #Show the frustration, don't say he was frustrated. What would Eddie do when frustrated. Know your characters.#
Eddie was becoming angry at what he believed the doctor was insinuating. (Again show us, don't tell us)
Comment Written 28-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for this feedback. I will take your suggestions and rewrites into consideration and implement them. Thank you.
Comment from Ricky1024
Who won why was well-written rich and seem as well as imagery explode well-read well with no grammar issue so to speak adjective an object did Constance were both excellent and descriptive measures firmly in place thanks for this doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Who won why was well-written rich and seem as well as imagery explode well-read well with no grammar issue so to speak adjective an object did Constance were both excellent and descriptive measures firmly in place thanks for this doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 27-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Thank you
Comment from c_lucas
In an old "Sugarfoot," television series, Will Hutchins, the lead character, would play the role of a outlaw cousin who looked like him. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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In an old "Sugarfoot," television series, Will Hutchins, the lead character, would play the role of a outlaw cousin who looked like him. This is very well written.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Thank you
