Detective Monroe
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A twin is possible "Serial murderer and Detective have a commonality
5 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, this is moving on now plot-wise with a potential twin and Eddie taking steps to try to find them.
Be careful of passivity in the write. you use a lot of was/were, especially in the opening paragraph. (five times in six sentences) I think if you went through this again and noted down how many times you use was you'd be surprised. I used to do this a lot but you get better at omitting them once you know they are there.
"Detective Monroe, Detective Monroe" Officer Chad - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"Well sir he looked just like you, and paid for their drinks in cash. - need closing speech marks here.
Officer Chad will get you address and phone number - your.
wrote last night, he starred at the page - stared.
so who was it, and why do they look like him - should probably have a question mark in here.
He could go to the adoption agency; which handled his adoption - no need for the semi colon here.
"Ok" Eddie wondered - need punctuation after OK.
Be careful of repetitive words -
to her office down the hall / Her office was a plush office.
and a comfortable armchair with two comfortable armchairs
if any information from 40 years ago / if that information is on the computer / I will find out any information / when the information please
All of these examples above come very clos to one another near the end of the instalment.
any files that didn't get transposed to the computer was lost - were lost.
lost, but I will try to see what I can find. - need closing speech marks here.
Here's my card if and when the information please give me a call- feels like a word is missing here, possibly 'comes' after information.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Hi there,
Well, this is moving on now plot-wise with a potential twin and Eddie taking steps to try to find them.
Be careful of passivity in the write. you use a lot of was/were, especially in the opening paragraph. (five times in six sentences) I think if you went through this again and noted down how many times you use was you'd be surprised. I used to do this a lot but you get better at omitting them once you know they are there.
"Detective Monroe, Detective Monroe" Officer Chad - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"Well sir he looked just like you, and paid for their drinks in cash. - need closing speech marks here.
Officer Chad will get you address and phone number - your.
wrote last night, he starred at the page - stared.
so who was it, and why do they look like him - should probably have a question mark in here.
He could go to the adoption agency; which handled his adoption - no need for the semi colon here.
"Ok" Eddie wondered - need punctuation after OK.
Be careful of repetitive words -
to her office down the hall / Her office was a plush office.
and a comfortable armchair with two comfortable armchairs
if any information from 40 years ago / if that information is on the computer / I will find out any information / when the information please
All of these examples above come very clos to one another near the end of the instalment.
any files that didn't get transposed to the computer was lost - were lost.
lost, but I will try to see what I can find. - need closing speech marks here.
Here's my card if and when the information please give me a call- feels like a word is missing here, possibly 'comes' after information.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for this feedback. I will take your suggestions and rewrites into consideration and implement them. Thank you.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This chapter is interesting and intriguing. The characters are good and clear.
I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. Well done.
Sharon
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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This chapter is interesting and intriguing. The characters are good and clear.
I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. Well done.
Sharon
Comment Written 22-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your feedback. I am really glad I joined FanStory because the feedback has helped me write this book in so many ways. Thanks again
Comment from Paul Bownas
An interesting story that leaves everyone asking,"What is going to happen next?" Let's face it, if you're going to write a crime story, that's the question you want everyone to ask. It certainly got me in, and I shall now be looking for the next chapter. Well done!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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An interesting story that leaves everyone asking,"What is going to happen next?" Let's face it, if you're going to write a crime story, that's the question you want everyone to ask. It certainly got me in, and I shall now be looking for the next chapter. Well done!
Comment Written 22-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2017
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Thank you and I am finishing up the next chapter at this moment and hope to have it posted by next week. Thank you again for your feedback.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This crime and mystery fiction has emerged with a twist and climax in the story of detection, forensic could help but, doubt about twin, as it is possible with the Detective; I like. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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This crime and mystery fiction has emerged with a twist and climax in the story of detection, forensic could help but, doubt about twin, as it is possible with the Detective; I like. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 21-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review and I am trying to put an unexpected twist on it.
Comment from Ricky1024
Iwriter I think I recognize the artwork so I think with the twins I think I've reviewed this but just once before and as before it was a well-written rich and semen imagery redwell flowed well no grammar issues as well ejector pumps increase subject and content and descriptive measures were aligned in in place thanks for just talked to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Iwriter I think I recognize the artwork so I think with the twins I think I've reviewed this but just once before and as before it was a well-written rich and semen imagery redwell flowed well no grammar issues as well ejector pumps increase subject and content and descriptive measures were aligned in in place thanks for just talked to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 21-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2017
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Thank you for the review. I love all feedback.
