Fire Escape
One fire, Two lives changed forever4 total reviews
Comment from Janis M.
Hi, I was about to read the third part of the story, but thought I would start at the beginning so I could give a proper review. I think you move the story along at a proper pace for being a short story, but I did notice somethings that as a reader really stood out as problematic.
Some suggestions:
Suspension of disbelief. While it can be reasonable to expect some suspension of disbelief such as a woman coming to adopt a baby from a stranger in a fire and having her potentially return years later, it is impossible to believe the baby survived being thrown out of a window multiple stories high (though it is is not specifically stated) the baby's neck would not have survives. But let's say that she did, she would not be a calm and happy baby. Not unless this is a fantasy or supernatural story. The other hard area to believe is that social work wouldn't have been involved even with a birth certificate. It isn't as simple as that. The mother's name is on a birth certificate and eventually authorities would come and question the situation. A smaller detail that could be fixed is that the ladies at the salon just happened to have a wicker basket. Now some of these details such as the basket could be resolved with more information. Perhaps one of the hair stylists just had a baby and she has had to bring her to work. But then I would tell the reader that. And show them there is a convenient reason for something that seems highly out of place.
Also, it may be your intention but the last paragraph makes your main character seem highly vindictive. (She had her chance?) without even knowing what the woman had gone through? The letter also said she would come back as soon as possible.
I could see her having mixed feelings and a desperation to hold on to a child she has bonded with, but not to get rid of all consideration of a natural mother all together.
Now this might be your intention, but if not, it does not put your character in a good light.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2023
   |
Hi, I was about to read the third part of the story, but thought I would start at the beginning so I could give a proper review. I think you move the story along at a proper pace for being a short story, but I did notice somethings that as a reader really stood out as problematic.
Some suggestions:
Suspension of disbelief. While it can be reasonable to expect some suspension of disbelief such as a woman coming to adopt a baby from a stranger in a fire and having her potentially return years later, it is impossible to believe the baby survived being thrown out of a window multiple stories high (though it is is not specifically stated) the baby's neck would not have survives. But let's say that she did, she would not be a calm and happy baby. Not unless this is a fantasy or supernatural story. The other hard area to believe is that social work wouldn't have been involved even with a birth certificate. It isn't as simple as that. The mother's name is on a birth certificate and eventually authorities would come and question the situation. A smaller detail that could be fixed is that the ladies at the salon just happened to have a wicker basket. Now some of these details such as the basket could be resolved with more information. Perhaps one of the hair stylists just had a baby and she has had to bring her to work. But then I would tell the reader that. And show them there is a convenient reason for something that seems highly out of place.
Also, it may be your intention but the last paragraph makes your main character seem highly vindictive. (She had her chance?) without even knowing what the woman had gone through? The letter also said she would come back as soon as possible.
I could see her having mixed feelings and a desperation to hold on to a child she has bonded with, but not to get rid of all consideration of a natural mother all together.
Now this might be your intention, but if not, it does not put your character in a good light.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2023
-
Thank you for your review and suggestions.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be an idea to revisit your formatting on this one. At the moment the line breaks feel quite arbitrary. It may be better to insert a clear line between dialogue and each new paragraphs for clarity.
She ran around the corner and up the street where the call box was and pulled the lever down. - this made me wonder when the piece was set. It's been common place since the 80s to have phones in shops, especially for appointments, and mobile/cell phones since the late 90s.
Please take care of my daughter." She said frantically - she.
In the section where the baby is thrown, it may be an idea to indicate from where - what floor.
You have a reliance on adverbs to tell the reader instead of showing them. Adverbs can show a weak verb choice - hurriedly ran - sprinted, hurtled... for example.
The woman in the window had been blond - generally speaking, blonde for female/ blond for male.
all the females that came out were either brunettes, redheads, or gray - what are the odds of that?
If she isn't over there with the people who got out and she isn't under either one of those tarps, and she isn't, then she ain't here - you use three instances of isn't in this sentence but it changes to ain't at the end. Idioms of speech don't really work this way. It isn't consistent.
Arly caught the bundle without difficulty / Do you know she threw this baby to me? Suppose I hadn't caught her? I damn near didn't!" - these two descriptions of the action don't add up.
The letter thing shattered believability for me in the story process. The mother was so concerned about the safety of her baby that in the midst of inferno she had the presence of mind to find paper and pen, birth certificate, and money and write this and wrap it all together...Given how frantic she was.
"I'd hardly say saddled. Arly bristled. And the note specifically - Arly bristled should not within the speech marks. You need to close them and then reopen them.
Ow, when I caught her I fell on one knee and it's beginning to hurt." Arly continued to rub - again this isn't borne out by the previous description of 'without difficulty'.
burning building, fifty flipping feet into the air." - I hope this is just hyperbole. That's about a fifth floor window which would have severally injured the child and her.
buildings ,twelve shops along - spacing here.
In the southern part of Madison - this section comes at a strange juncture and isn't really necessary. It feels like an info-dump squeezed in.
Arly apparently has another child who isn't mentioned in the story...
She paid an awful lot of attention to Evie, too," - should end with a full stop rather than a comma.
and pour herself a full five fingers - poured.
Dishwater blond - blonde.
There is some nice tension in the piece and the friendship between Nat & Arly rings true.
I had been hoping for some kind of conclusion to the piece.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
|
Hi there,
It may be an idea to revisit your formatting on this one. At the moment the line breaks feel quite arbitrary. It may be better to insert a clear line between dialogue and each new paragraphs for clarity.
She ran around the corner and up the street where the call box was and pulled the lever down. - this made me wonder when the piece was set. It's been common place since the 80s to have phones in shops, especially for appointments, and mobile/cell phones since the late 90s.
Please take care of my daughter." She said frantically - she.
In the section where the baby is thrown, it may be an idea to indicate from where - what floor.
You have a reliance on adverbs to tell the reader instead of showing them. Adverbs can show a weak verb choice - hurriedly ran - sprinted, hurtled... for example.
The woman in the window had been blond - generally speaking, blonde for female/ blond for male.
all the females that came out were either brunettes, redheads, or gray - what are the odds of that?
If she isn't over there with the people who got out and she isn't under either one of those tarps, and she isn't, then she ain't here - you use three instances of isn't in this sentence but it changes to ain't at the end. Idioms of speech don't really work this way. It isn't consistent.
Arly caught the bundle without difficulty / Do you know she threw this baby to me? Suppose I hadn't caught her? I damn near didn't!" - these two descriptions of the action don't add up.
The letter thing shattered believability for me in the story process. The mother was so concerned about the safety of her baby that in the midst of inferno she had the presence of mind to find paper and pen, birth certificate, and money and write this and wrap it all together...Given how frantic she was.
"I'd hardly say saddled. Arly bristled. And the note specifically - Arly bristled should not within the speech marks. You need to close them and then reopen them.
Ow, when I caught her I fell on one knee and it's beginning to hurt." Arly continued to rub - again this isn't borne out by the previous description of 'without difficulty'.
burning building, fifty flipping feet into the air." - I hope this is just hyperbole. That's about a fifth floor window which would have severally injured the child and her.
buildings ,twelve shops along - spacing here.
In the southern part of Madison - this section comes at a strange juncture and isn't really necessary. It feels like an info-dump squeezed in.
Arly apparently has another child who isn't mentioned in the story...
She paid an awful lot of attention to Evie, too," - should end with a full stop rather than a comma.
and pour herself a full five fingers - poured.
Dishwater blond - blonde.
There is some nice tension in the piece and the friendship between Nat & Arly rings true.
I had been hoping for some kind of conclusion to the piece.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for the honest and helpful review. I don't know what I can do about the formatting b/c I've tried to get a hold of it. But all the other corrections will be fixed.
Thanks again
Sandollar
there will be chapters forthcoming.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks about fire caught in the mansion, screaming, crying, weeping, sound in addition to fire flame, someone humanely tried to save others, and ultimately saving life of others is not enough, self saving is equally important, fight is on; I like. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
|
This speaks about fire caught in the mansion, screaming, crying, weeping, sound in addition to fire flame, someone humanely tried to save others, and ultimately saving life of others is not enough, self saving is equally important, fight is on; I like. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
-
Than you for your review and rating. I am in the process of editing yet again so I appreciate your review.
Sandollar
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the 'This Picture Starts The Story' writing prompt.
The beautiful picture is a good match as well.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
|
I think this is a good entry for the 'This Picture Starts The Story' writing prompt.
The beautiful picture is a good match as well.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
-
Thank you for your wonderful review and the rating. I appreciate it.I thought the art work is good also. Thank you for the good wishes.
Sandollar
