Mary's Snowman
A children's Christmas story8 total reviews
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. It is every child's secret dream to build a snowman. Even here where I live when it doesn't snow frequently, the first thing my children do when it snows occasionally is to build their snowman.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2017
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A very well-written story. It is every child's secret dream to build a snowman. Even here where I live when it doesn't snow frequently, the first thing my children do when it snows occasionally is to build their snowman.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2017
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.
Comment from apky
This was a beautiful Christmas story for the young.
I've suggested some improvements below. They are only my suggestions which you're free to adopt or reject. Thanks for a wonderful story, though.
Mary woke up later than usual because the sun wasn't brightly shining in her bedroom window. ~ there's some discrepancy in this opening sentence. Isn't it usual for the sun to shine from the bedroom window when someone wakes up "later than usual"?
Her eyes opened wide bringing a wide(change this to "broad" in order to avoid repeating the word "wide" so close in the same sentence) smile to her face.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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This was a beautiful Christmas story for the young.
I've suggested some improvements below. They are only my suggestions which you're free to adopt or reject. Thanks for a wonderful story, though.
Mary woke up later than usual because the sun wasn't brightly shining in her bedroom window. ~ there's some discrepancy in this opening sentence. Isn't it usual for the sun to shine from the bedroom window when someone wakes up "later than usual"?
Her eyes opened wide bringing a wide(change this to "broad" in order to avoid repeating the word "wide" so close in the same sentence) smile to her face.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you for finding my typo. It's suppose to be...eyes open wide bringing a smile to her face.
Comment from RodG
I think many young readers will be able to relate to MARY, a little girl looking forward to making her first snowman. Not much happens the first day of waiting and then the next it snows and she happily makes a snowman. I was surprised she did not feel more emotion when her "perfect snowman" melted.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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I think many young readers will be able to relate to MARY, a little girl looking forward to making her first snowman. Not much happens the first day of waiting and then the next it snows and she happily makes a snowman. I was surprised she did not feel more emotion when her "perfect snowman" melted.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2017
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked this piece and you did a good job of evoking the senses throughout.
Few things you might want to look at-
She breathed in a deep breath - you could say she breathed deeply or she took a deep breath to eliminate the instance of repetition and obvious.
Now she tossed and
turned trying to find a comfortable spot with Maddie - I would suggest dropping the 'Now' as it doesn't really serve any purpose.
What, Mama.- this should probably have a question mark.
Maybe have a look at your timeline. It starts four days before Christmas, making it the 21st. She tosses and turns that night and the next day it snows so she builds the snowman with mum on the 22nd. Her grandparents arrive that night for Christmas Eve dinner... but it's the 22nd not the 24th.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Hi there,
I liked this piece and you did a good job of evoking the senses throughout.
Few things you might want to look at-
She breathed in a deep breath - you could say she breathed deeply or she took a deep breath to eliminate the instance of repetition and obvious.
Now she tossed and
turned trying to find a comfortable spot with Maddie - I would suggest dropping the 'Now' as it doesn't really serve any purpose.
What, Mama.- this should probably have a question mark.
Maybe have a look at your timeline. It starts four days before Christmas, making it the 21st. She tosses and turns that night and the next day it snows so she builds the snowman with mum on the 22nd. Her grandparents arrive that night for Christmas Eve dinner... but it's the 22nd not the 24th.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you for all your insightful suggestions. I will be doing a rewrite. I was wondering about that breathing in a deep breath
and now. It's always better to let a writing sit for awhile before anxiously posting. Do you think this story has enough to it. Like, is there enough conflict and anything to make it "special or different?"
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I think for a Christmas Story this has the right ingredients. There is an inner conflict for the child abut the snow. It's subtle but there. There's also a nice sense of hopefulness at the end.
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Thank you for your help. I wasn't sure about the ending.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sweet story and all children hope to build a snowman at Christmas and sometimes snow graces us on Christmas Day and sometimes it doesn't. I think we have Bing Crosby to thank for our wishes for a White Christmas! A joyful read. Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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This is a sweet story and all children hope to build a snowman at Christmas and sometimes snow graces us on Christmas Day and sometimes it doesn't. I think we have Bing Crosby to thank for our wishes for a White Christmas! A joyful read. Love Dolly x
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Janilou
An absolutely delightful children's story. I loved it. I didn't see any errors and your descriptions are so vivid and bright. I could just about taste that gingerbread. LOL
I wish you the very best of luck in the Christmas Story contest.
It is such a sweet story.
Jan
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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An absolutely delightful children's story. I loved it. I didn't see any errors and your descriptions are so vivid and bright. I could just about taste that gingerbread. LOL
I wish you the very best of luck in the Christmas Story contest.
It is such a sweet story.
Jan
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you. I appreciate your comments and am happy you enjoyed my story.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is a lovely entry for the Christmas Story contest.
The picture is a beautiful match as well.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2017
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This is a lovely entry for the Christmas Story contest.
The picture is a beautiful match as well.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 06-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2017
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Thank you.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a perfect celebration of Christmas, enjoying with grandma and grandpa and others, and her snowman, later mom and dad participated, it was an entertaining affair; I like. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2017
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This speaks a perfect celebration of Christmas, enjoying with grandma and grandpa and others, and her snowman, later mom and dad participated, it was an entertaining affair; I like. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 06-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2017
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Thank you. Happy you enjoyed.
