Memorial Day Canoe Trip
Wet weather fails to dampen the spirits of family canoe trip23 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Canoeing can be a great adventure, especially when sharing it with family members. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Canoeing can be a great adventure, especially when sharing it with family members. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review. I am glad you liked it.
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You're welcome, Daniel. Charlie
Comment from Dan Diego
Glad to see another Daniel writing on FanStory.
The strength of this entry is the narrative. It was an easy read. The story flowed much like the river, nice and tranquil. I hope that was your intent. I did stop at a few commas and wondered if they got in the way. Your spelling, grammar, and style did not interfere with the read. That is good.
My favorite paragraph had the crane. For some reason, that passage struck a chord with me as a reader. It was probably the imagery.
You wrote: "We had rain ponchos packed ..."
I suggest: "We packed ponchos..."
You wrote: "It may have been about 15 minutes after we left shore when the rain began..."
I suggest: "The rain began about 15 minutes after we left the shore." Now the reason I suggest this edit is because Strunk and White thinks that subjects and verbs should start most sentences. Not every sentence. They also suggest you end a sentence with the good stuff.
You wrote: "Ever changing, full of life, with times of peace, and times of rage, the river has always had an intoxicating effect on me."
I suggest: Not changing a damn thing - this is fine writing here.
In the beginning, you seemed to fall into the habit I call the Rule of Threes. This means your sentences had instances of three clauses, separated by commas, and then the subject-verb. Or subject-verb, followed by three clauses, separated by commas. If I'm being honest, I started looking for these instances during my read and may have lost some of the enjoyment. In other words, you may lose some of your story in the use of complex sentences. By the way, there are instances of complex sentences in your story that shine like a diamond in a goat's behind.
But then again, I'm an old man, with no river sense. This is a strong contender, as written. I wish you luck, sunshine, and more trips down the river of life.
Great little story.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Glad to see another Daniel writing on FanStory.
The strength of this entry is the narrative. It was an easy read. The story flowed much like the river, nice and tranquil. I hope that was your intent. I did stop at a few commas and wondered if they got in the way. Your spelling, grammar, and style did not interfere with the read. That is good.
My favorite paragraph had the crane. For some reason, that passage struck a chord with me as a reader. It was probably the imagery.
You wrote: "We had rain ponchos packed ..."
I suggest: "We packed ponchos..."
You wrote: "It may have been about 15 minutes after we left shore when the rain began..."
I suggest: "The rain began about 15 minutes after we left the shore." Now the reason I suggest this edit is because Strunk and White thinks that subjects and verbs should start most sentences. Not every sentence. They also suggest you end a sentence with the good stuff.
You wrote: "Ever changing, full of life, with times of peace, and times of rage, the river has always had an intoxicating effect on me."
I suggest: Not changing a damn thing - this is fine writing here.
In the beginning, you seemed to fall into the habit I call the Rule of Threes. This means your sentences had instances of three clauses, separated by commas, and then the subject-verb. Or subject-verb, followed by three clauses, separated by commas. If I'm being honest, I started looking for these instances during my read and may have lost some of the enjoyment. In other words, you may lose some of your story in the use of complex sentences. By the way, there are instances of complex sentences in your story that shine like a diamond in a goat's behind.
But then again, I'm an old man, with no river sense. This is a strong contender, as written. I wish you luck, sunshine, and more trips down the river of life.
Great little story.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2017
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Dan, I am so please that you elected to review my story. You earn brownie points for declaring that you're an old man. I am too. I think you have provided the best review I have ever received. I have been here a very short time, and there are only a view that have given me some good pointers. A review like yours is what I was looking for when I joined this site. I'm not sure I have any "uploads" or "pumps", whatever they are called, left but if I do, you will definitely get one.
I am nearing retirement, another year-and-a-half to go. I know I will need some type of supplemental income once retired, as well as having something to do. I love woodworking too but I have recently resurrected my passion for writing and now I know what I want to do for my remaining years of life. Some of the stories I've shared on FanStory so far I wrote about 15 years ago. I actually had the intention of writing a book on my outdoor adventures back then. As I read my old stories, edit them as best my rusted knowledge will allow, I am inspired all over again. I can do this. I can write. The only thing I don't know is: "Can I make any money from it?" I know I've got to improve my grammar and sentence structure, but that is small potatoes.
Dan, I hope to stay in contact with you and ask you to critique more of my work. Perhaps you can "fan" me. I would really appreciate any help you can offer me. Thank you so much.
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Hello Daniel, I did receive your response to my review and subsequent message. I will try to fan you. It would be a pleasure to have a look at your stories. FanStory can be a puzzle sometimes. I think there are some writers here who want rankings, some who want dollars, and some who just write for fun. It can be hard to tell the difference. As a general rule, if somebody reviews something of mine, I will have a look at something of theirs. It seems fair. I found your river story because it was near the top of the front page. As far as monetizing our writing, I too, hope to try to make beer money in my old age. My plan is to start with mystery magazines and build a small library of short published stories. If they catch on, I will shift them to Amazon for a buck apiece, or two dollars for a three story anthology. But you really have to be a good writer to take my path. I'm still taking baby steps and struggling with commas. Anyway, Daniel, I wish you luck, keep going. Look for me to fan you soon. Hope to see your around the site.
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Thank you for becoming a fan. I will reciprocate your action as well.
Comment from MelB
Hi Daniel, I enjoyed the story, especially the part about the blue heron and the deer. They are fun to watch! I grew up in Baroda, not too far from Three Rivers. I live in Byron Center now, near Grand Rapids.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Hi Daniel, I enjoyed the story, especially the part about the blue heron and the deer. They are fun to watch! I grew up in Baroda, not too far from Three Rivers. I live in Byron Center now, near Grand Rapids.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review. I am so glad you enjoyed the story.
Comment from Brigitte Elko
This is a pleasant journey that you have invited the reader on. You wrote a wonderful tale about nature and family closeness. Well done. Good luck in the contest. One little flaw:
Maybe restructure the sentence? : A glimpse of sunshine would raise our spirits, and then quickly.........;if you could break the sentence up to make it clearer. What vanishes? The spirits or the sunshine? I think the story would flow smoother with this small edit. This is just my opinion, you are the author.
Fan Friend,
Brigitte
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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This is a pleasant journey that you have invited the reader on. You wrote a wonderful tale about nature and family closeness. Well done. Good luck in the contest. One little flaw:
Maybe restructure the sentence? : A glimpse of sunshine would raise our spirits, and then quickly.........;if you could break the sentence up to make it clearer. What vanishes? The spirits or the sunshine? I think the story would flow smoother with this small edit. This is just my opinion, you are the author.
Fan Friend,
Brigitte
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review and recommendations. Your type of feedback is exactly what I am looking for. I want to be a good writer. I would like to be able to earn supplemental income from my writing. Thank you again so much.
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We are here to help each other. I like it when reviewers point out my flaws. You ARE a good writer.
Glad that you were not offended.
Fan Friend,
Brigitte
Comment from Spitfire
A lovely lyrical write that celebrates the river and takes a positive view on rain.(The rain represented the life-blood of the river.)A climatic moment when your son sees the fawn. You capture the beauty of nature even the gloomy days.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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A lovely lyrical write that celebrates the river and takes a positive view on rain.(The rain represented the life-blood of the river.)A climatic moment when your son sees the fawn. You capture the beauty of nature even the gloomy days.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review and positive feedback. I really appreciate it.
Comment from poetwatch
You are blessed. Not many like to be in the rain, least of all in a canoe ride down a river. Yet, I agree with you the rain is the blood of a river and after being "freshly "watered"." It gave you its kiss, telling you you are welcome. A very good story. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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You are blessed. Not many like to be in the rain, least of all in a canoe ride down a river. Yet, I agree with you the rain is the blood of a river and after being "freshly "watered"." It gave you its kiss, telling you you are welcome. A very good story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and positive feedback. Very glad you liked it.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a passionate experience of a canoe traveller, wet weather fails to dampen the spirits of family canoe trip for their adventurous and daring passion, wife, son and now brother insisted and joined and ultimately trip was successful; I like. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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This speaks a passionate experience of a canoe traveller, wet weather fails to dampen the spirits of family canoe trip for their adventurous and daring passion, wife, son and now brother insisted and joined and ultimately trip was successful; I like. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 07-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2017
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Thank you for your review. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is a nice story for the 'Share Your Story' contest.
Canoes on the river sounds like a delight, rain or shine.
It's always nice to see fawns and other creatures in their natural state.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Sharon
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2017
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This is a nice story for the 'Share Your Story' contest.
Canoes on the river sounds like a delight, rain or shine.
It's always nice to see fawns and other creatures in their natural state.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Sharon
Comment Written 02-Dec-2017
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2017
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Thank you again Sharon for your review and pleasant feedback. It pleases me when others enjoy my writing about outdoor adventures.
Comment from Angela VA
I enjoyed reading about your canoe trip. There are a few corrections that you could make on spelling and spacing. At one point you wrote "of coarse" instead of "of course." Two paragraphs need a space in between. I'm glad you enjoyed your day, which, I'm sure, was one of many.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
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I enjoyed reading about your canoe trip. There are a few corrections that you could make on spelling and spacing. At one point you wrote "of coarse" instead of "of course." Two paragraphs need a space in between. I'm glad you enjoyed your day, which, I'm sure, was one of many.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
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Thank you very much for you review and feedback. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Paul Bownas
Beautifully written, I could find myself getting jealous of your trip, rain or no rain! I have a river about two kilometres from our door, it is the Murray river, Australia's longest river, and about the fifth longest river in the world. But it is not like your rivers, as it has enormous drops and rise in levels because ours is a country of extremes, with flooding rains one season, and severe droughts in another. The Murray is also subject to dangers from dead trees and other dangers which lie hidden under the muddy waters.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
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Beautifully written, I could find myself getting jealous of your trip, rain or no rain! I have a river about two kilometres from our door, it is the Murray river, Australia's longest river, and about the fifth longest river in the world. But it is not like your rivers, as it has enormous drops and rise in levels because ours is a country of extremes, with flooding rains one season, and severe droughts in another. The Murray is also subject to dangers from dead trees and other dangers which lie hidden under the muddy waters.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your review. It pleases me that you can relate the trip to your own local. I appreciate your feedback.
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You're welcome.
