Lipstick Murders
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Faulty Plans"Being wronged by her husband, Anna seeks revenge.
9 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting chapter. Why would Anna worry about June seeing her by the car, or anywhere, for that matter? Where's her dog, by the way? She called him, but he didn't come yet.
Good writing, but there's one plot element that bothers me. Mary never would have reported the five deaths as natural, not under the circumstances. Elizabeth is right that it makes no sense. What Mary WOULD have done was to call the causes of death unknown, and she would also call in other coroners to look at the body. She would not ask an old professor to do it. He would not even be permitted to touch those bodies, since he would not have a license to do so.
I think you need to rewrite just that little part. Everything else seems to work fine. I liked the way she trained Sparky to growl and chase her. Clever way to get in the house.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2017
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Exciting chapter. Why would Anna worry about June seeing her by the car, or anywhere, for that matter? Where's her dog, by the way? She called him, but he didn't come yet.
Good writing, but there's one plot element that bothers me. Mary never would have reported the five deaths as natural, not under the circumstances. Elizabeth is right that it makes no sense. What Mary WOULD have done was to call the causes of death unknown, and she would also call in other coroners to look at the body. She would not ask an old professor to do it. He would not even be permitted to touch those bodies, since he would not have a license to do so.
I think you need to rewrite just that little part. Everything else seems to work fine. I liked the way she trained Sparky to growl and chase her. Clever way to get in the house.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. Your right it would be ruled as unknown unless there was medical evidence to prove otherwise.
I can understand you questioning Anna not wanting to be seen near the car after all she was just in the house. My logic there was she didn't want to be tied to a dead body. Since it wasn't clear I need to either fix it or change it too. Thank you so much for catching my two blunders, and for all your help and support, it really does mean a lot to me, take care.
Comment from LaRosa
I only gave four because of the amount of SPAG. You did write an interesting chapter for this mystery story which pulled me in, made me want to read more. It's quickly moving between logically placed scenes. I could get used to reading screen plays like yours.
The following are only my suggestions. I admit to a lack of knowledge re: how to verbalize a screen play, in the technical sense especially. So, let me know if I am wrong and I'll be happy to re-Star ya! If right, and you wish to change any of them, I will also be happy to change the star rating. Just let me know.
'I want you Jeff and Kevin to head on over, I'll meet you there with a warrant'.
Use a period or a semi-colon after 'over'. Either would work.
'it's(,) it's impossible.'
'residents'
residence or residency
'I want you(,) Jeff(,) and Kevin to head on over(.) I'll meet you there with a warrant.'
'A blond haired(,) blue-eyed lady
'Handing her a piece of paper(,) he walks through the door.
Elizabeth and Kevin follow in behind him.'
The word 'in' is understood and therefore unnecessary.
'An average height(,) older, rounded woman
'Anna takes off running across the lawn(.) The dog is growling at her heels(.)
'Us old timer(s)
'Your wedding ring(.) It was found...
'
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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I only gave four because of the amount of SPAG. You did write an interesting chapter for this mystery story which pulled me in, made me want to read more. It's quickly moving between logically placed scenes. I could get used to reading screen plays like yours.
The following are only my suggestions. I admit to a lack of knowledge re: how to verbalize a screen play, in the technical sense especially. So, let me know if I am wrong and I'll be happy to re-Star ya! If right, and you wish to change any of them, I will also be happy to change the star rating. Just let me know.
'I want you Jeff and Kevin to head on over, I'll meet you there with a warrant'.
Use a period or a semi-colon after 'over'. Either would work.
'it's(,) it's impossible.'
'residents'
residence or residency
'I want you(,) Jeff(,) and Kevin to head on over(.) I'll meet you there with a warrant.'
'A blond haired(,) blue-eyed lady
'Handing her a piece of paper(,) he walks through the door.
Elizabeth and Kevin follow in behind him.'
The word 'in' is understood and therefore unnecessary.
'An average height(,) older, rounded woman
'Anna takes off running across the lawn(.) The dog is growling at her heels(.)
'Us old timer(s)
'Your wedding ring(.) It was found...
'
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, I am so glad you enjoyed it. I didn't realize I missed so many mistakes. Thank you for catching them, I'll be sure to go over it a few more times, slower next time before I post.
Thank you again for your very helpful review, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I didn't realize that you also write scripts
I found your writing easy to read along with excellent views of what is going on.
Glad I stopped by
Gert
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Hello Mistydawn
I didn't realize that you also write scripts
I found your writing easy to read along with excellent views of what is going on.
Glad I stopped by
Gert
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your kind review. Script writing is something new I've started. One of my dreams is to have Dick Wolf direct one of my stories what better way than through a script, right?
Thank you again for your nice review, I'm so glad you liked it, take care.
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You are welcome Mistydawn
yes I liked reading your script I know one of these days your dream will happen
Gert
Comment from apky
Your script writing surprises me every time around.
It has me as hooked on your characters as your other prose, Misty.
And as I said before, you're almost more perfect in script as I can ever imagine. At least I know I wouldn't be able to write such a script.
One thing you need to take care of is where you put the "comments and acrtions" and where you need just the narrative of the character.
Excellent, my friend.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Your script writing surprises me every time around.
It has me as hooked on your characters as your other prose, Misty.
And as I said before, you're almost more perfect in script as I can ever imagine. At least I know I wouldn't be able to write such a script.
One thing you need to take care of is where you put the "comments and acrtions" and where you need just the narrative of the character.
Excellent, my friend.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for such wonderful praise you've definitely made my week. Could you please explain your suggestion, I don't understand.
Thank you again for all your reviews, help and support it means the world to me, take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= Your scripts are getting so much easier to read. NICE JOB!
= Story is moving right along. I look forward to the next one.
= Here is a FYI ...
=> You have a tendency to put one characters actions in another characters scene. For instance--below.
(1) When Elizabeth is looking over at Mary---you need to have this line in Elizabeth's scene--not Mary's.
- Elizabeth looks over at Mary who's on the verge of tears.
(2) (This should have a caption for ANNA--not in in Summer's) -
- Anna grabs Summer's hand. She pulls her forward, then shoves the tube of lipstick against her bare arm.
(3) This should either have her own caption, or moved up under Elizabeth's--not in Janet's scene.
- Elizabeth turns towards her detectives.
Cheers, J
*** Merry Christmas & Happy New Year ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Hi, Misty
= Your scripts are getting so much easier to read. NICE JOB!
= Story is moving right along. I look forward to the next one.
= Here is a FYI ...
=> You have a tendency to put one characters actions in another characters scene. For instance--below.
(1) When Elizabeth is looking over at Mary---you need to have this line in Elizabeth's scene--not Mary's.
- Elizabeth looks over at Mary who's on the verge of tears.
(2) (This should have a caption for ANNA--not in in Summer's) -
- Anna grabs Summer's hand. She pulls her forward, then shoves the tube of lipstick against her bare arm.
(3) This should either have her own caption, or moved up under Elizabeth's--not in Janet's scene.
- Elizabeth turns towards her detectives.
Cheers, J
*** Merry Christmas & Happy New Year ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your nice review, your support and encouragement means a lot to me. I'm so glad you like it. I will work on my formatting.
Thanks again for all your help, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
Why do you have to be so good at making me want to read more? Now I have to wait again.
Just a few mistakes:
"ELIZABETH
Me, too." is that supposed to have the comma after me?
"Mary starts to walk away when another thought occurs to her. (she) turns back around." capitalize she.
"Jack pushes her aside again.
Angry, Janet storm(s) towards the back of the apartment."
I feel awful for Myles. Anna is really good at being bad though. I kind of don't want her to get caught. She's the most brought out character and I don't really care at all for these police. In your other story I like Rachel, but these ones don't seem to be brought out as much. It might just be because it's near the beginning of it though. I don't usually cheer on the villains, but... "Go Anna!"
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Why do you have to be so good at making me want to read more? Now I have to wait again.
Just a few mistakes:
"ELIZABETH
Me, too." is that supposed to have the comma after me?
"Mary starts to walk away when another thought occurs to her. (she) turns back around." capitalize she.
"Jack pushes her aside again.
Angry, Janet storm(s) towards the back of the apartment."
I feel awful for Myles. Anna is really good at being bad though. I kind of don't want her to get caught. She's the most brought out character and I don't really care at all for these police. In your other story I like Rachel, but these ones don't seem to be brought out as much. It might just be because it's near the beginning of it though. I don't usually cheer on the villains, but... "Go Anna!"
Natali ;)
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you for such a great review and encouraging words. I'm glad you like Anna, my crusader on a mission. I'll work on bringing the offices characters out more in the upcoming scripts.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This is a fantastic write which had me hooked from the start. A wonderful and clever piece of writing.I felt as If I was there, I enjoyed it very much kindest regards and look forward to reading the next chapter, many warm regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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This is a fantastic write which had me hooked from the start. A wonderful and clever piece of writing.I felt as If I was there, I enjoyed it very much kindest regards and look forward to reading the next chapter, many warm regards Meia xx
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, I am so glad you liked it. this is my first script so I'm still learning the in's and outs of script writing.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and kind words, take care.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Another interesting chapter. Lots of surprises and suspense.
Characters are true and believable.
Well done.
I'm looking forward to more.
Sharon
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Another interesting chapter. Lots of surprises and suspense.
Characters are true and believable.
Well done.
I'm looking forward to more.
Sharon
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for such a nice review and encouraging words, It means a lot knowing that you liked it, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
I don't think I've ever seen a script in book form. *smile* But, I guess, that's how you keep it all together, huh?
Though I enjoyed this story-line, I was never able to settle into a scene often, because you were changing scenes so often. Just a thought.
One other note:
1.) Did you know the woman of your dreams is (carrying) another man's baby?
Thanks!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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MD,
I don't think I've ever seen a script in book form. *smile* But, I guess, that's how you keep it all together, huh?
Though I enjoyed this story-line, I was never able to settle into a scene often, because you were changing scenes so often. Just a thought.
One other note:
1.) Did you know the woman of your dreams is (carrying) another man's baby?
Thanks!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I will work on not skipping around so much. I do have a question, what do you mean about book form? I'm still learning so your explanation of what I'm doing wrong would greatly be appreciated.
Thank you again for your kind helpful review, take care.
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Oh, no. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, just unusual. I think of 'books' as stories not scripts. But, when you think about it, I guess screenplays come in a sort of book form, right? Just ignore me. *smile*
