Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Likely Suspects"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
11 total reviews
Comment from Bob Stanton
I would have enjoyed it more if I had more context. Perhaps you need to add this in your notes. I was a bit confused over who was doing what to whom and it didn't really help that the two daughters have similar names.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
  |
I would have enjoyed it more if I had more context. Perhaps you need to add this in your notes. I was a bit confused over who was doing what to whom and it didn't really help that the two daughters have similar names.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your review and your suggestions. I'll work harder on the descriptions. I'll probably change one of the girl's names in the final draft, doing it here, this close to the end I'm afraid I'll have some confused, very unhappy readers.
Thanks again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= Whoa!! Now, this is a gigantic hook of major proportions.
= A lot of great action going on this chapter, making for a fast read.
= Nicely penned, my friend.
=> Direct address always needs a comma.
"I'm sorry(,) mom. I'm so sorry---
Cheers, J
Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
|
Hi, Misty
= Whoa!! Now, this is a gigantic hook of major proportions.
= A lot of great action going on this chapter, making for a fast read.
= Nicely penned, my friend.
=> Direct address always needs a comma.
"I'm sorry(,) mom. I'm so sorry---
Cheers, J
Have a good day/evening!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review. Hopefully, my hook will make reviewers come back for more.
Thank you again for all your help and your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Who shot JR? This is a great cliffhanger. I like breaks like this. It gives me a reason to come back and read the next chapter. I didn't see any errors, Mabe one your/you're).
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
|
Who shot JR? This is a great cliffhanger. I like breaks like this. It gives me a reason to come back and read the next chapter. I didn't see any errors, Mabe one your/you're).
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your great review. That's what I thought of too. Who shot Jr went on forever a season in itself I think. Like Dallas, Stan's attacker is one you'll never suspect.
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, Take care.
Comment from apky
What a cliffhanger! I'm chewing my nails to the quick for the next post.
Excellent, Misty. You really know how to catch all the terrible nuances of such dysfunctional families perfectly. I wouldn't know how to write something like this.
Lifting up a small bronze statue, he continues. "I checked the weapon for fingerprints and found three different sets. ~ In this particular case, I would add a comma and delte the full stop/period after the words: he continues"
Calculating the stream of water coming out of the faucet, then comparing that to the overflow, I'd say it took place within the last few hours. I'm sure our ME can give you a more accurate time of death when she gets him to the morgue. ~ brilliant observation reveal here, Misty!
"I'll be at the hospital.(add-") Grabbing her purse, Madeline bolts outside.
"Katelyn(,) no," Madeline warns.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
|
What a cliffhanger! I'm chewing my nails to the quick for the next post.
Excellent, Misty. You really know how to catch all the terrible nuances of such dysfunctional families perfectly. I wouldn't know how to write something like this.
Lifting up a small bronze statue, he continues. "I checked the weapon for fingerprints and found three different sets. ~ In this particular case, I would add a comma and delte the full stop/period after the words: he continues"
Calculating the stream of water coming out of the faucet, then comparing that to the overflow, I'd say it took place within the last few hours. I'm sure our ME can give you a more accurate time of death when she gets him to the morgue. ~ brilliant observation reveal here, Misty!
"I'll be at the hospital.(add-") Grabbing her purse, Madeline bolts outside.
"Katelyn(,) no," Madeline warns.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for such a fantastic review and such encouraging words. Stan's attacker is one you'll never suspect, lol.
Thanks again for your continued support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver. "You can either pay up or I'll kill you both," he says, cocking his gun.
*** Not very friendly.
Lucas reflexively squeezes the trigger, the trio tumbles to the floor.
*** Jeez! A violent family.
A good section, Mistydawn. Certainly advances the story.
Charlie
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
|
Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver. "You can either pay up or I'll kill you both," he says, cocking his gun.
*** Not very friendly.
Lucas reflexively squeezes the trigger, the trio tumbles to the floor.
*** Jeez! A violent family.
A good section, Mistydawn. Certainly advances the story.
Charlie
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for your review and continued support, they always mean so much to me. The Howard's are screwed up family, for sure. I bet the psychiatrists would have a field day with them.
Thank you again for all your help and support it means so much to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Well, it's all ramping up now.
Lifting up a small bronze statue, he continues - not so sure he would do this. Maybe he should gesture towards it in some way instead?
Se, Se I found Mr. Stan - I think it may be Si.
He's alive. The paramedics said he was mumbling, "I can't believe she'd do this to me." - need another set of speech marks to close off the entire dialogue.
"I'll be at the hospital.- need closing speech marks here.
After hours of tossing, and turning - don't really need the comma here.
"Please stop, you're hurting me," Madeline begs - need end punctuation here.
the trio tumbles to the floor - just tumble here.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
|
Well, it's all ramping up now.
Lifting up a small bronze statue, he continues - not so sure he would do this. Maybe he should gesture towards it in some way instead?
Se, Se I found Mr. Stan - I think it may be Si.
He's alive. The paramedics said he was mumbling, "I can't believe she'd do this to me." - need another set of speech marks to close off the entire dialogue.
"I'll be at the hospital.- need closing speech marks here.
After hours of tossing, and turning - don't really need the comma here.
"Please stop, you're hurting me," Madeline begs - need end punctuation here.
the trio tumbles to the floor - just tumble here.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your always helpful review. Yes, there are three maybe four chapters left. I will fix all that you suggested.
Thank you again for all your help it means a lot to me.
Oh, and Lipstick Murder is in scripts where it should be. Tom was kind enough to move it over for me.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting episode. What a place to stop! You sure got my attention. LOL!
"Please stop, your hurting me," <-- You're = you are, which is the spelling you want here. YOUR means belonging to you, a different word entirely.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
|
Exciting episode. What a place to stop! You sure got my attention. LOL!
"Please stop, your hurting me," <-- You're = you are, which is the spelling you want here. YOUR means belonging to you, a different word entirely.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm hoping the hook will everyone back for more. I''m hoping to keep the readers engaged to the end the way my favorite writers do me.
Thank you again for your nice review and continued support, it means a lot to me. My lipstick murder mistake was fixed before I got online the next day.
Comment from royowen
Wow! a very spicy episode indeed, Stan has been lambasted by an known assailant, Katelyn has again slipped and been blackmailed into selling and procuring, Madeleine and Katelyn have become suspects in Stan's bashing. Katelyn attracts the attention of a smelly thug called Lucas, who demands compensation from Madeliene who then hits her with his gun, a maddened Katelyn plunges a knife into Lucas' back, his gun goes off, leaving them all on the floor. What a mess. Excellent scribing my friend, great descriptive imagery, things are getting messy, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
|
Wow! a very spicy episode indeed, Stan has been lambasted by an known assailant, Katelyn has again slipped and been blackmailed into selling and procuring, Madeleine and Katelyn have become suspects in Stan's bashing. Katelyn attracts the attention of a smelly thug called Lucas, who demands compensation from Madeliene who then hits her with his gun, a maddened Katelyn plunges a knife into Lucas' back, his gun goes off, leaving them all on the floor. What a mess. Excellent scribing my friend, great descriptive imagery, things are getting messy, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for your fantastic review and your continuous support, they always mean so much to me. Things are going to continue to unravel since we're only four chapters from the end.
Thank you again for such a wonderful review, take care.
-
Most welcome
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
A very exciting chapter that will, no doubt, have your regular readers screaming for the next installment. *smile* Nice way to leave it with a cool cliff-hanger.
I did see a few things that might warrant your attention, if you want to give them a look?
1.) She takes a drag from her cigarette before recanting her statement.
--> I think you mean 'modifying' or 'adjusting' or something similar?
--> 'recant' means to reverse your story completely
2.) "If you think of anybody else, call us, alright(?)" Rachel says, handing Marie her card.
3.) "He's alive. The paramedics said he was mumbling(, ')I can't believe she'd do this to me.(')"
4.) "Katelyn was here until she left for work at 8:00. Then my youngest daughter Katie visited after she left. What is all of this about?"
--> I find it hard to believe that a family would name one daughter 'Katelyn' and another daughter 'Katie'. I even think they might nickname 'Katelyn' as 'Katie', see what I mean? They are almost the same name.
5.) Katelyn has a history of violence and she and Mr. Howard are estranged,
--> where did they get this info? All I saw was that she and her dad had a bid disagreement. (??)
6.) "My father could be dying and you want to ask me questions?" She angrily pulls away.
"What happened to my father? Is he alright?" Katie tearfully questions.
--> be careful of using '-ly' words. I like to call them 'lazy words' just to remind me that I often want to get them to do the hard work for me.
--> 'angrily' and 'tearfully' are TELLING instead of SHOWING. It is much better to SHOW that the character is feeling these things than to TELL your reader.
--> Katie jerked her arm out of his grasp. "My father could be dying and you want to ask me questions?" (That helps to SHOW the feelings, rather than tell.
--> Choking back a sob, Katie asks, "What happened to my father? Is he alright?"
--> just examples, I'm sure you can do better *smile*
7.) "Mom, it's me, Katelyn, can you please let me in(?)"
8.) "I'm not paying you a damn dime. So get out before I call the cops." Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver.
"You can either pay up or I'll kill you both," he says, cocking his gun.
--> anytime you have a character saying or doing something new,it deserves a new paragraph.
--> "I'm not paying you a damn dime. So get out before I call the cops."
Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver and cocks the gun. "You can either pay up or I'll kill you both." (all of his actions in the same paragraph.)
9.) "I don't know what's going on, but I want you to leave, Lucas." Getting a firm hold on Madeline's housecoat, he shoves his gun against her head.
--> the actions of the gunman deserve a new paragraph.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
 |
MD,
A very exciting chapter that will, no doubt, have your regular readers screaming for the next installment. *smile* Nice way to leave it with a cool cliff-hanger.
I did see a few things that might warrant your attention, if you want to give them a look?
1.) She takes a drag from her cigarette before recanting her statement.
--> I think you mean 'modifying' or 'adjusting' or something similar?
--> 'recant' means to reverse your story completely
2.) "If you think of anybody else, call us, alright(?)" Rachel says, handing Marie her card.
3.) "He's alive. The paramedics said he was mumbling(, ')I can't believe she'd do this to me.(')"
4.) "Katelyn was here until she left for work at 8:00. Then my youngest daughter Katie visited after she left. What is all of this about?"
--> I find it hard to believe that a family would name one daughter 'Katelyn' and another daughter 'Katie'. I even think they might nickname 'Katelyn' as 'Katie', see what I mean? They are almost the same name.
5.) Katelyn has a history of violence and she and Mr. Howard are estranged,
--> where did they get this info? All I saw was that she and her dad had a bid disagreement. (??)
6.) "My father could be dying and you want to ask me questions?" She angrily pulls away.
"What happened to my father? Is he alright?" Katie tearfully questions.
--> be careful of using '-ly' words. I like to call them 'lazy words' just to remind me that I often want to get them to do the hard work for me.
--> 'angrily' and 'tearfully' are TELLING instead of SHOWING. It is much better to SHOW that the character is feeling these things than to TELL your reader.
--> Katie jerked her arm out of his grasp. "My father could be dying and you want to ask me questions?" (That helps to SHOW the feelings, rather than tell.
--> Choking back a sob, Katie asks, "What happened to my father? Is he alright?"
--> just examples, I'm sure you can do better *smile*
7.) "Mom, it's me, Katelyn, can you please let me in(?)"
8.) "I'm not paying you a damn dime. So get out before I call the cops." Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver.
"You can either pay up or I'll kill you both," he says, cocking his gun.
--> anytime you have a character saying or doing something new,it deserves a new paragraph.
--> "I'm not paying you a damn dime. So get out before I call the cops."
Reaching into his jacket, he pulls out a revolver and cocks the gun. "You can either pay up or I'll kill you both." (all of his actions in the same paragraph.)
9.) "I don't know what's going on, but I want you to leave, Lucas." Getting a firm hold on Madeline's housecoat, he shoves his gun against her head.
--> the actions of the gunman deserve a new paragraph.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
-
Thank you for your very extensive review. It's reviewers like you that help me learn, grow as a writer. Hopefully, I'll remember everything you said and not repeat the same mistakes again.
Thank you again for taking the time to help me, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from loismddavis
Oh my goodness this story held my interest all the way through. The story advanced like a television program and the only flaw for me was the too quick transition of madeleine into bed tossing and turning--something was missing there. very exciting
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
|
Oh my goodness this story held my interest all the way through. The story advanced like a television program and the only flaw for me was the too quick transition of madeleine into bed tossing and turning--something was missing there. very exciting
Comment Written 09-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2017
-
Thank you so much for such a wonderful review, I am so glad you enjoyed it. I'm assuming you're referring to the area between the hospital and Madeline watching TV? You're right here is a big gap in time, thanks for pointing that out, I'll see what I can come up with to fill the space.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
