Comment from Dawn Munro

Excellent

First sentence - omit "the" before 'shivers'.

Now you are free to add another word (that's more dramatic) - "Only his eyes were moving, and all they registered was (total) darkness."

"...in the futile hope (of discovering any kind of crack)..." This eliminates the repetition of "some".

comma after "black"

"By now" <-- not needed. Begin with "He tried..." - Always, when penning something with strict word limits, we must search for the most concise way of saying what we need to say - brevity is paramount.

Likewise with your repetition of "They hit a wall." Instead, I suggest adding a word here (and omitting 'they hit a wall' the second time): "He tried the same (thing) with his legs, and the same (thing) happened." Here your repetition drives the emphasis. You've also saved two words. I don't know if you are supposed to write exactly 150 words, or if it can be less. But I do know I love what you have, I'd just like to see it tweaked a little.

Now remember, my friend, these are only my suggestions. But your plot is a good one; excellent in fact. Save this one to submit to a contest somewhere. *smile*

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017

Wow, Dawn, this is a great review and thanks a lot for the corrections. I will go in and implement them. I'm half thinking of expanding on this story. I have some ideas. Thanks so much of helping me with this. A hug. Ulla:)))

reply by Dawn Munro on 04-Nov-2017

You're most welcome, Ulla. :)

reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017

I have corrected an tweaked it about. Thanks a lot. xx

reply by Dawn Munro on 04-Nov-2017

My pleasure.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Exceptional

My last 6, Ulla, I missed this one. OMG, this was the most horrific story! In my will, I've stipulated my wrists be cut just to make sure I'm dead before they bury me. The very thought of being alive scares the life out of me, I think it does for most people.
Superb story, you did such a brilliant job for the 'Locate' challenge. Well done, my friend! :) Sandra xxx

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 01-Nov-2017

Wow, Sandra, thank you so much. What can I say! How pleased I am. Thank you so much my dear friend. Big hugs. Ulla: xxxx

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Ulla,

You have just touched on one of my horrors - claustrophobia. And I don't like it at all! I can't imagine many spaces tighter than this one - or more difficult to climb out of. YUCK! Nice job. Thank you!

 Comment Written 30-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017

Thank you so much, Robyn. I'm so glad you liked it. It would be a nightmare for me as well. I may continue the story one day.

Comment from Kate Tompkins

Excellent

That's definitely an attention-grabber. I'd probably stop reading at that point but that's only because I don't like horror. People who do should really be drawn in.

 Comment Written 30-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017

Hi Kate, thank you so much. I don't like horror either. I see this as becoming a crime story. I may continue this, but I haven't decided yet. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Bill Schott

Excellent

This introduction to a story subtly brings the character around to his situation, which he couldn't imagine as much more than a comparison until the evidence rushed in. This would definitely work as either the beginning of an escape story, a reflection story as the character faces his mortality, or a stand-alone flash fiction piece.

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 02-Nov-2017

Thanks a lot, Bill. Yeah, you're right it could also be a stand-alone flash fiction. All the best. Ulla:))

Comment from Thesis

Excellent

Creepy. I liked the intro to this story and would like to see where you would take it if you continue. Those few words portray so many feelings, realizations and fears, that it allows the readers to understand the terrible predicament the character is in.

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017

Thank you so much. I may actually take it further. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

OMG, I'd never have expected this ending. It must be the most horrible feeling in the world. You've created a very clever twist.
Are you planning to continue this? Or is it just an exercise for the club?
Take care.

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Thanks a lot Maria Jose. I may take it further. I have a few ideas. I kind of like to know, how he ended up there in the first place. I've seen you've created a new event and I've signed up. I'm looking forward to the challenge. Cheers. Ulla:)))

reply by Heather Knight on 29-Oct-2017

Cool! Me too. Prompts are great ways to stimulate the imagination.

reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Absolutely!

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

Ah, Ulla, you have struck my most venal fear. I'm claustrophobic, and asthmatic.
My panic would turn me inside out.

Forgive me, Ulla, but I wonder if 'nothingness' is a good place to start a story? It gives the reader nothing to work with. I agree that being buried alive is horrific, but the description of such is terribly limiting for the writer, and the reader.

I'm not sure how this prompt was worded, so I can't comment further.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Hi Lee, first of all thanks a lot for the review. The prompt here is to write the first paragraph of a story that would make the reader want to read the rest of the story or the book. However, I see what you're saying. My story though would be what went on before he ended up in this horrible situation. All the best. Ulla:)))

reply by humpwhistle on 29-Oct-2017

Yes, I see. Maybe if you changed your last line into something that indicates you have a story to tell?

'I'd gone to great lengths to be buried alive.'

or

'I never imagined my story of intrigue would end with being buried alive.'

I think you would do well to draw your readers into a broader story. L

reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

To be honest, I don't quite understand what you're saying. The character never planned to be buried in the first place. That's the whole story. How on earth did he end up being buried alive? That's the story. And this is an intro to that story. I'm not quite sure whether we're talking fo cross purposes here.LOL Ulla

reply by humpwhistle on 29-Oct-2017

Sorry, Ulla. I'm just suggesting your last line might allude, somehow, to the story you're about to tell.

Don't mean to be at cross purposes. Sorry if it seems that way.

L

reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

I see, now I understand. I'll have to look at it again. You know, getting advise from a brilliant writer as yourself is a compliment. I really do appreciate it. Ulla

reply by humpwhistle on 29-Oct-2017

Brilliant? More ornery, I think. But I thank you sincerely. L

reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Ornery? I don't think so! Hehe. You're so full of mischief.

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

Just reading this is enough to give me the shivers, Ulla.
for me it is real horror - well penned, my friend.


Margaret
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 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Thank you so much, Margaret. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Ulla,

Very nice opening line, opens up the reader's mind well. intriguing.

The only thing I noted was the use of 'was/were'. It makes this a little passive and slows things down. There about ten here and a few could be omitted with a little rephrasing.

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017

Hi G, Thank you so much. I see what you mean. I've already eliminated one. Thanks for a great advise. Ulla:))