Fitness Center
Mitchell has a problem with a member.34 total reviews
Comment from Kate Tompkins
Well, I'm curious enough to read on. I do have a few comments and questions, though.
Your first sentence sounds like a plot summary to me. Perhaps it's meant to be? If not, I'd be tempted to reword your first paragraph something like this:
As Mitchell dismounted the stationary bike, breathing heavily, a balding bodybuilder stared.
Perhaps "Mitchell ignored him" rather than "it" for the first line of your second paragraph.
Again in the second paragraph, "he took a swig..." should be its own sentence.
"little man" and "dirtbag" (doesn't take a cap) both need to be separated from the rest of their sentences by a comma, ex. "What are you going to do, little man?"
It's not clear to me who in the last line is darting away, Mitchell or Baldy. If it's Baldy, I'm definitely wondering what's so scary about Mitchell that he turns and runs.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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Well, I'm curious enough to read on. I do have a few comments and questions, though.
Your first sentence sounds like a plot summary to me. Perhaps it's meant to be? If not, I'd be tempted to reword your first paragraph something like this:
As Mitchell dismounted the stationary bike, breathing heavily, a balding bodybuilder stared.
Perhaps "Mitchell ignored him" rather than "it" for the first line of your second paragraph.
Again in the second paragraph, "he took a swig..." should be its own sentence.
"little man" and "dirtbag" (doesn't take a cap) both need to be separated from the rest of their sentences by a comma, ex. "What are you going to do, little man?"
It's not clear to me who in the last line is darting away, Mitchell or Baldy. If it's Baldy, I'm definitely wondering what's so scary about Mitchell that he turns and runs.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017
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Thanks for your well-meaning suggestions, Kate.
Phillip
Comment from lburke8
When I read the first line I wanted to know what happened immediately. Even though it is a short story, it still had my attention the whole time.
Hope it brings you good luck!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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When I read the first line I wanted to know what happened immediately. Even though it is a short story, it still had my attention the whole time.
Hope it brings you good luck!
Comment Written 23-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Thanks, for reading, iburke8.
Phillip
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
I liked this so much. So many steroid induced body builders bald as coots and covered in boils. I'd rather have a lean healthy body over a chemically induced one, there is nothing to be proud of there, well done kind regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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I liked this so much. So many steroid induced body builders bald as coots and covered in boils. I'd rather have a lean healthy body over a chemically induced one, there is nothing to be proud of there, well done kind regards Meia xx
Comment Written 23-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Meis (MESAYERS)
Phillip
Comment from Bill Schott
This short story, Fitness Center, might be an introduction to a character named Mitchell. What I don't get from the end of the story is whether it's the bodybuilder closing his eyes and running or the bodybuilder closing his eyes while Mitchell 'darted away'.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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This short story, Fitness Center, might be an introduction to a character named Mitchell. What I don't get from the end of the story is whether it's the bodybuilder closing his eyes and running or the bodybuilder closing his eyes while Mitchell 'darted away'.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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If you don't mind, take another look at it. That is only the beginning; so there is a part two and ending that has not been written. But I'm not sure I want to spend time on it, right now. I want to do something more important to me. The goal to this contest was write a beginning that would interest the reader. Maybe some readers are interest and maybe not. So, there you have it, Bill.
Philip
Comment from Angela VA
That's not what I expected! Was the bald man intimidated by the smaller man's full head of hair? Did his phone suddenly buzz and he needed to catch a call? Did this confrontation have a back story? You did a good job of making me curious about what else is going on or is going to happen. I'm glad I go to Planet Fitness, where intimidating behavior is against the rules. Ha!
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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That's not what I expected! Was the bald man intimidated by the smaller man's full head of hair? Did his phone suddenly buzz and he needed to catch a call? Did this confrontation have a back story? You did a good job of making me curious about what else is going on or is going to happen. I'm glad I go to Planet Fitness, where intimidating behavior is against the rules. Ha!
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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True. Members at fitness centers do not behave that way, at least the ones I know. I thought attempting this scenario would be fun. The requirement was 150 words limit. Sorry but I'm happy you read the story.
Phillip
Comment from Ulla
Hi Phillip. Great little start to a story. Yeah bullies don't like to be pushed around with. A great entry for the event. I really liked it. I couldn't see anything to correct. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Hi Phillip. Great little start to a story. Yeah bullies don't like to be pushed around with. A great entry for the event. I really liked it. I couldn't see anything to correct. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thanks, Ulla.
Phillip
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL! Love it! Those big bullies only need someone to stand up to them and they're are running scared. LOL. This is a wonderful story for the Locate challenge. Very well done, my friend. I enjoyed it. :) sandra xx
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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LOL! Love it! Those big bullies only need someone to stand up to them and they're are running scared. LOL. This is a wonderful story for the Locate challenge. Very well done, my friend. I enjoyed it. :) sandra xx
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thanks for reading, Sandra.
Phillip
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Phillip,
Well it is a well-observed phenomena that bullies really don't like being stood up to. And there are lots of them out there.
technically sound write.
G
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Hi Phillip,
Well it is a well-observed phenomena that bullies really don't like being stood up to. And there are lots of them out there.
technically sound write.
G
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thanks,giraffmang.
Phillip
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Phillip. This was a fun read. There's nothing worse than feeling intimidated at a gym by a bigger guy. The little guy showed courage by calling the big guy a Dirtbag and telling him to back off. Amazingly, he walked away! A good outcome.
My comments:
*in this 150-word piece, you used the word 'balding' 6 times.
*At the gym, Mitchell had a squabble with a balding bodybuilder. As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, a balding bodybuilder gave him a fixed stare at his passing. (*At his passing .... Did he die and pass away? It might be better to say 'as he passed by.')
*Still using YOUR words, this is how I'd improve it:
*I've reduced 'balding' from 6 down to 3 mentions.
*I've reduced 'Mitchell' from 6 down to 4 mentions.
*CAPITAL letters indicated changes / either to shorten, or to keep with tense....
At the gym, Mitchell had a squabble with a balding bodybuilder. As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily; THE bodybuilder stareD AS HE PASSED.
Mitchell ignored it AND THEN moved to the treadmill. Sweat SLID down his neck, side and back as his feet pounded the floor of the machine[,] he took a swig of water from the bottle in the cup holder.
The balding bodybuilder YELLED, "I've never seen anyone work so pitifully in years."
Mitchell looked around AND SAW the brute at the foot of the treadmill. He stepped down off the treadmill AND STOOD SPEECHLESS AS HE FACED Baldy.
The brawny beast snarled, "What are you going to do little man?"
Mitchell flipped his head back AS HE RAN his hand through his hair and barked, "Back off Dirtbag."
The balding bodybuilder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Hi, Phillip. This was a fun read. There's nothing worse than feeling intimidated at a gym by a bigger guy. The little guy showed courage by calling the big guy a Dirtbag and telling him to back off. Amazingly, he walked away! A good outcome.
My comments:
*in this 150-word piece, you used the word 'balding' 6 times.
*At the gym, Mitchell had a squabble with a balding bodybuilder. As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily, a balding bodybuilder gave him a fixed stare at his passing. (*At his passing .... Did he die and pass away? It might be better to say 'as he passed by.')
*Still using YOUR words, this is how I'd improve it:
*I've reduced 'balding' from 6 down to 3 mentions.
*I've reduced 'Mitchell' from 6 down to 4 mentions.
*CAPITAL letters indicated changes / either to shorten, or to keep with tense....
At the gym, Mitchell had a squabble with a balding bodybuilder. As he dismounted the stationary bike breathing heavily; THE bodybuilder stareD AS HE PASSED.
Mitchell ignored it AND THEN moved to the treadmill. Sweat SLID down his neck, side and back as his feet pounded the floor of the machine[,] he took a swig of water from the bottle in the cup holder.
The balding bodybuilder YELLED, "I've never seen anyone work so pitifully in years."
Mitchell looked around AND SAW the brute at the foot of the treadmill. He stepped down off the treadmill AND STOOD SPEECHLESS AS HE FACED Baldy.
The brawny beast snarled, "What are you going to do little man?"
Mitchell flipped his head back AS HE RAN his hand through his hair and barked, "Back off Dirtbag."
The balding bodybuilder's eyes squeezed shut as he darted away.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Nicole, this is the best. I must learn not to overuse words in a story. I will go back and see what I can do. As you know, I will not have learned by using this copy. I will repair as much as I can. Nicole, you are my ****** I can't ***** without ****** I *********
Phillip
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Here's a free editing site that helps find over-used words:
http://editminion.com/
All you do is copy and paste your work into it and press 'EDIT'. Hey presto! Instant pudding. Read what it says.
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Oh, I see it now, Nicole. I'm going to try it out.
Thanks a lot.
Phillip
Comment from emptypage
Interesting opening lines. I wonder where you might go next. I wonder, too, what your characters would be up to beyond these few lines. Got my attention, anyway.
How do you like the class?
Peace.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Interesting opening lines. I wonder where you might go next. I wonder, too, what your characters would be up to beyond these few lines. Got my attention, anyway.
How do you like the class?
Peace.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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I'm not doing any classes. I'm learning from the suggestions from readers, my personal reading, and plain old trial and error. Oh yeah! Lots of solitary time to unlearn bad habits.
Phillip
