Johnny Chance- The Keystone Mission
Johnny meets Sashanna and learns more about the Keystone2 total reviews
Comment from apky
You have a good story and excellent imagination as a writer. But you do need to learn a lot of the rules and develop your craftsmanship.
Keep on writing.
"Two guards approach carrying swords and rusty handcuffs.(line break here)
" I don't know about you Johnny but I don't think we belong here!" William says with a sense of great fear in his voice
"You can not(cannot-one word) go back(;) the gates are one way!" the lizard priest yells.
"We are the Annunaki." the lizard priest says, "We are the ones who made you!(delete bothe the quoote and full stop/period". - you never have a full stop after an exclamation mark or a question mark. ("-delete the quote because it's the same character continuing to talk) Put down your weapons."
the party follows in a stunned silence(,) not sure if they are dreaming.
I thought that gateway was protected enough on the other side by Kathputaha(see suggestion above about full stop/exclamation mark/continuation of speech by same character.!") Guess I was wrong!"
"You who opened the gate with the sacred key what is your name?"
   |
You have a good story and excellent imagination as a writer. But you do need to learn a lot of the rules and develop your craftsmanship.
Keep on writing.
"Two guards approach carrying swords and rusty handcuffs.(line break here)
" I don't know about you Johnny but I don't think we belong here!" William says with a sense of great fear in his voice
"You can not(cannot-one word) go back(;) the gates are one way!" the lizard priest yells.
"We are the Annunaki." the lizard priest says, "We are the ones who made you!(delete bothe the quoote and full stop/period". - you never have a full stop after an exclamation mark or a question mark. ("-delete the quote because it's the same character continuing to talk) Put down your weapons."
the party follows in a stunned silence(,) not sure if they are dreaming.
I thought that gateway was protected enough on the other side by Kathputaha(see suggestion above about full stop/exclamation mark/continuation of speech by same character.!") Guess I was wrong!"
"You who opened the gate with the sacred key what is your name?"
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was a strong write. I like how you describe events such as them feeling like they were dreaming to show the unreal feeling. Excellent use of dialogue and this easily held my interest. Well done.
|
I thought this was a strong write. I like how you describe events such as them feeling like they were dreaming to show the unreal feeling. Excellent use of dialogue and this easily held my interest. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
