This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Disappointment Looms"Veronica is sent back again
33 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Well that would have been way too easy... lol
free-falling to the ground - freefalling can be one word.
It could be the one your hubby told you about - I'm not sure here, but would Joe use the term hubby? It seems out of scope with the rest of his language.
do you want to wait 'till t'morrow - if you are using the abbreviated form of until it would be 'til (one l) but till can be used on its own with no mark.
Joe knew of a short-cut through the woods - shortcut can be one word.
"There be a flicker over there," he said as he pointed to the end window." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
It's only certain people who can see and hear me, including yourself. - need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Well that would have been way too easy... lol
free-falling to the ground - freefalling can be one word.
It could be the one your hubby told you about - I'm not sure here, but would Joe use the term hubby? It seems out of scope with the rest of his language.
do you want to wait 'till t'morrow - if you are using the abbreviated form of until it would be 'til (one l) but till can be used on its own with no mark.
Joe knew of a short-cut through the woods - shortcut can be one word.
"There be a flicker over there," he said as he pointed to the end window." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
It's only certain people who can see and hear me, including yourself. - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for finding all those nits and letting me know, G. I've made all the corrections. The 'hubby' didn't sit well with me, but 'husband' didn't either. Not from Joe. I've just Googled, 'bloke' that was introduced into the English language in 1860, and then I looked up, feller, a slang of 'fellow'. Feller came into being in the 1500s, and was commonly used as a man, though originally it was from a fellowship group. Feller also is a tree feller. Out of the two, I've chosen to use Feller, as that's been around the longest. Goodness me, I'm learning a lot of trivia info. I must start going to pub quizzes! Thank you, my friend, for your help. Big hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What ignorant minded people there was in those days -
I'd landed in right trouble for sure if I'd been around then.
I so enjoyed this chapter, Sandra - so well presented and entertaining....
merits a six.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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What ignorant minded people there was in those days -
I'd landed in right trouble for sure if I'd been around then.
I so enjoyed this chapter, Sandra - so well presented and entertaining....
merits a six.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much, Margaret, that is the highest compliment you could have given me. I love your writing and want so much to become as good an author as you. Thank you! :) Sandra xx
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You flatter me, Sandra - what a nice thing to say - thank you, my friend. smile. M
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No, it's not flattery, Margaret, it's the truth. :) xxx
Comment from write hand blue
So albinos were considered devils work, that doesn't surprise me. Good situational descriptions that takes the reader to the action.
I don't see any errors, except, for a bit of evil eddy's work on the second para first line of the writers comments. I can see.. -A????????A?????????A????????
Good consistency in the writing.
~Mel~ xxxx
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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So albinos were considered devils work, that doesn't surprise me. Good situational descriptions that takes the reader to the action.
I don't see any errors, except, for a bit of evil eddy's work on the second para first line of the writers comments. I can see.. -A????????A?????????A????????
Good consistency in the writing.
~Mel~ xxxx
Comment Written 19-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Those flaming things keep popping up! I've deleted them again! Anything different back in those days, a couple of hundred years and more, were believed be the devil's work, or witches. I'm glad I didn't live then. I'd have been burnt as a witch! Thank you, Mell, for your lovely review. Big hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from alexisleech
Another great chapter, Sandra. One of the things I love is all the possible ways this interesting story could go from here. The way you've set it up, they're endless.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Hugs from France,
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Another great chapter, Sandra. One of the things I love is all the possible ways this interesting story could go from here. The way you've set it up, they're endless.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Hugs from France,
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Aww, thank you, Alexis, that is so nice of you. I'm truly thankful to have you supporting my story. The six lovely stars are a bonus and I really appreciate them. Big hugs winging their way over to you in France from dull damp England. xxx Sandra xx
Comment from EverInParadise
Suggest you delete word like now, then, later, unless they are important to the action taking place. They are wasted words that slow the action down for the reader. Omit=(When we went) Outside, the light was beginning to fade. The gate was closed buy not locked. (another place where you are TELLING time). No light shown in the windows. "Let's hope..... he said, pointing..(as he) church. We followed the path. (don't think "wandering" fits here) (To me wandering is when you don't have a direction in mind. Here they do.) Joe *(went over to) thumped on the ... I stopped reviewing and offering suggestions at this point as I believe you can read aloud and hear the difference in some of these sentences. We try to keep the action flowing forward but not by so often TELLING what the action is. Readers will know that Joe approached the door once they know he thumped on it. I enjoy reading this story with all its many layers. I hope you take my suggestions as being offered with good intention. Keep going.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Suggest you delete word like now, then, later, unless they are important to the action taking place. They are wasted words that slow the action down for the reader. Omit=(When we went) Outside, the light was beginning to fade. The gate was closed buy not locked. (another place where you are TELLING time). No light shown in the windows. "Let's hope..... he said, pointing..(as he) church. We followed the path. (don't think "wandering" fits here) (To me wandering is when you don't have a direction in mind. Here they do.) Joe *(went over to) thumped on the ... I stopped reviewing and offering suggestions at this point as I believe you can read aloud and hear the difference in some of these sentences. We try to keep the action flowing forward but not by so often TELLING what the action is. Readers will know that Joe approached the door once they know he thumped on it. I enjoy reading this story with all its many layers. I hope you take my suggestions as being offered with good intention. Keep going.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your review, my friend. I've copied and pasted it to my MSWord doc, and will go through it all and make some changes. I am always receptive to positive reviews and appreciate the time you did spend on this. Sandra xx
Comment from aryr
Another great chapter, Sandra. Veronica is so good at explaining things to Joe or actually to anyone. It was great that she thought of how she would explain to Anne. And Joe having been to the future is at least more receptive than others of his time. I am beginning to think that Frances is to become the albino James found out about. This had very fine details and explanations, well done.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Another great chapter, Sandra. Veronica is so good at explaining things to Joe or actually to anyone. It was great that she thought of how she would explain to Anne. And Joe having been to the future is at least more receptive than others of his time. I am beginning to think that Frances is to become the albino James found out about. This had very fine details and explanations, well done.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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You are the second person to think the albino is Frances. We'll have to wait and see. James hasn't let me in on the secret yet!! LOL. Thank you, Alie, for your lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
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MMMM gosh darn Sandra, just when I thought I had it figured out lol, but then again waiting is much more fun, you are most welcome, big hugs in return.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello Sandra,
I looked it up and thataway is a word. It's not being underlined by Grammarly, either. I have to be careful with Grammarly, though, because it says that English spellings are wrong.
Good chapter. Can't wait for the next.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Hello Sandra,
I looked it up and thataway is a word. It's not being underlined by Grammarly, either. I have to be careful with Grammarly, though, because it says that English spellings are wrong.
Good chapter. Can't wait for the next.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Hi Rasmine. I know what you mean about Grammarly. I sent a message complaining that whenever I set it to UK English, within a few days it would revert to US English. They corrected it and said it would be fine now, but again, it changed. So I gave up with it. I was ending up with loads of red lines under my English CORRECTLY spelt words. So annoying. Thanks for reading, my friend. :) Sandra xx
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LOL! Yeah.
OMG, my computer is now spacing in between letters, grrr!
Comment from rama devi
Another excellent chapter with deep POV that draws the reader in, superb characterization (enhanced by diction and dialog), good pacing and fine cohesiveness in the overall delivery. Good descriptive detail as well. Just noted a bunch of spag nits and minor suggestions. Careful of telling - aim for showing.
Five stars in advance...
* Having said that, the thought of the tongue(-)lashing his wife had given
*
He strode off(,) with me trying to keep up. I gazed up at the trees as we walked,(no ,) and watched as more leaves began free-falling to the ground.
*
I went over to sit on one of the bales, and Joe joined me, before plucking(having plucked) a piece of straw to chew on.
* I looked back at him in earnest,(no ,) and tried to explain about Frances again.
*
"It's his son!" The shock and disbelief clearly registered (in the arched eyebrows) on Joe's face.
*"And yes, Frances--that's his name, by the way,(-) is Sir John's son.
*
Joe removed the piece of straw he'd been holding between his teeth,(no ,) and flicked it away.
*
I threw him an angry look,(no ,) but decided not to make an issue regarding his ignorance.
*
"What else might it be," he said with a grin.
"What else might it be?" he asked with a grin.
* After a few minutes,(no ,) and another thump, I decided to go through the door and take look.
* Sitting in front of a log fire, I found an elderly man dozing in his chair with his open book on his lap, just about to fall on the ground.
The grammar here has the protagonist sitting in front of a log fire! Suggest:
I found an elderly man dozing in his chair, sitting in front of a log fire, with his open book on his lap, just about to fall on the ground.
***
Joe stared angrily at the door. "Now what?" His face conveyed his frustration.
I know this feels like you've been descriptive, but it's telling not showing. Paint the anger and frustration for the reader rather than just telling about it. Even a simple expression or gesture can convey it. Or you could add in a simile for stronger impact. Example ideas:
Joe stared at the door with knit brows. "Now what?" His clenched forehead and frown conveyed his frustration.
Joe stared at the door with knit brows. "Now what?" He frowned, wrinkling his brow to prune-like proportion.
*
I went through the door again and began looking in all the rooms, but(,) with the exception of the old man,
:-))))
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Another excellent chapter with deep POV that draws the reader in, superb characterization (enhanced by diction and dialog), good pacing and fine cohesiveness in the overall delivery. Good descriptive detail as well. Just noted a bunch of spag nits and minor suggestions. Careful of telling - aim for showing.
Five stars in advance...
* Having said that, the thought of the tongue(-)lashing his wife had given
*
He strode off(,) with me trying to keep up. I gazed up at the trees as we walked,(no ,) and watched as more leaves began free-falling to the ground.
*
I went over to sit on one of the bales, and Joe joined me, before plucking(having plucked) a piece of straw to chew on.
* I looked back at him in earnest,(no ,) and tried to explain about Frances again.
*
"It's his son!" The shock and disbelief clearly registered (in the arched eyebrows) on Joe's face.
*"And yes, Frances--that's his name, by the way,(-) is Sir John's son.
*
Joe removed the piece of straw he'd been holding between his teeth,(no ,) and flicked it away.
*
I threw him an angry look,(no ,) but decided not to make an issue regarding his ignorance.
*
"What else might it be," he said with a grin.
"What else might it be?" he asked with a grin.
* After a few minutes,(no ,) and another thump, I decided to go through the door and take look.
* Sitting in front of a log fire, I found an elderly man dozing in his chair with his open book on his lap, just about to fall on the ground.
The grammar here has the protagonist sitting in front of a log fire! Suggest:
I found an elderly man dozing in his chair, sitting in front of a log fire, with his open book on his lap, just about to fall on the ground.
***
Joe stared angrily at the door. "Now what?" His face conveyed his frustration.
I know this feels like you've been descriptive, but it's telling not showing. Paint the anger and frustration for the reader rather than just telling about it. Even a simple expression or gesture can convey it. Or you could add in a simile for stronger impact. Example ideas:
Joe stared at the door with knit brows. "Now what?" His clenched forehead and frown conveyed his frustration.
Joe stared at the door with knit brows. "Now what?" He frowned, wrinkling his brow to prune-like proportion.
*
I went through the door again and began looking in all the rooms, but(,) with the exception of the old man,
:-))))
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Thank you so very much, Rama, for this wonderful edit. I've just gone through them and now all done! The sitting by the fire, made me laugh, why didn't I see that? LOL. Thanks, my friend. I loved your review and so pleased you liked it. Big hugs, and lots of love back. :) Sandra xxx
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Thanks for your gracious and enthusiastic response, dear Sandra. I forgot to mention a couple of spots where you might switch to contractions in the dialog (optional - changing the verb IS to an apostrophe 's').
Love and HUGE hugs,
rd
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I'll go and take a look for them. Thanks, my friend. :)) xxxxxxx
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:-))))
Comment from pbomar1115
I was hoping Veronica and Joe find the Albino in the house. And I was impressed the way Veronica described to Joe the reactions and explanations of complicated words and reactions of people.
Phillip
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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I was hoping Veronica and Joe find the Albino in the house. And I was impressed the way Veronica described to Joe the reactions and explanations of complicated words and reactions of people.
Phillip
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much, Phillip, for another of your lovely reviews. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. Veronica is a tad worried now. :( Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
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You're welcome, Sandra.
Phillip
Comment from wordsfromsue
explaining it to Ann. "It's when the mother and father passes on things to their child. But sometimes, (I wondered if it should be 'pass' on things instead of passes on things...)
I found an elderly man dozing in his chair with his open book on his lap, (maybe change the 2nd 'his' to 'an')
Had James got it wrong? I sincerely hope not. (Should it be I sincerely 'hoped' not?)
Good chapter Sandra! I wonder if the old man in the church is embarrassed about the albino living there? I'll have to wait and see!!
Oh, one question.... with Joe's way of speaking, I didn't know whether he would say 'Bloody marvelous' when talking about the light switch? That expression seems above him. Don't I sound like a snobbish cow!!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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explaining it to Ann. "It's when the mother and father passes on things to their child. But sometimes, (I wondered if it should be 'pass' on things instead of passes on things...)
I found an elderly man dozing in his chair with his open book on his lap, (maybe change the 2nd 'his' to 'an')
Had James got it wrong? I sincerely hope not. (Should it be I sincerely 'hoped' not?)
Good chapter Sandra! I wonder if the old man in the church is embarrassed about the albino living there? I'll have to wait and see!!
Oh, one question.... with Joe's way of speaking, I didn't know whether he would say 'Bloody marvelous' when talking about the light switch? That expression seems above him. Don't I sound like a snobbish cow!!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2017
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Thank you, Sue, for a very helpful review.
I never thought of that about the 'Bloody marvelous', but you a quite right, my dear.
I've changed the line now. I've changed the second 'his' to 'n'.
And also, I saw that and forgot to change the, hope, to hoped. All done now!
Well done, my wonderful friend. That's what I need, all these nits to be pointed out.
Big hugs, :) Sandra xxxxx
