Detective Monroe
Viewing comments for Prologue "She remembers him"Serial murderer and Detective have a commonality
3 total reviews
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow. This is powerful. When she knows who he is I'm shocked. And the reaction he had was equally strong. The story was very unique. I like how you take your time with this thoughts and would encourage you to continue with the character developing and while developing the story. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Wow. This is powerful. When she knows who he is I'm shocked. And the reaction he had was equally strong. The story was very unique. I like how you take your time with this thoughts and would encourage you to continue with the character developing and while developing the story. Well done!
Comment Written 16-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Thank you very much. Please watch for the chapters as they are posted and read them.
Comment from apky
My first advise would be to choose one POV tense and keep to it. You seem to jump back and forth between past and present tenses, which irritates the reader and denotes an inexperienced writer.
Secondly, I'd encourage you to insert more dialogue. When the narrative goes on and on, the reader is robbed of the chance to connect with the protagonists.
Hope this helps.
the severed finger in her mouth showed he was an(a) craftsman.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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My first advise would be to choose one POV tense and keep to it. You seem to jump back and forth between past and present tenses, which irritates the reader and denotes an inexperienced writer.
Secondly, I'd encourage you to insert more dialogue. When the narrative goes on and on, the reader is robbed of the chance to connect with the protagonists.
Hope this helps.
the severed finger in her mouth showed he was an(a) craftsman.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Thank you this is the type of feedback I am looking for and I have more dialog as the book goes on.
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Always a pleasure. We're here to help each other, right? Apropos help each other; swing by mine and let me know your thoughts too. Thanks.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This started well with a good hook to the piece right from the first line, asking the reader to ponder the question of who he was and why was he doing this.
few things I noticed as I read through-
She went through her day, and was unaware of what was in store for her, while he learned her routine - you could streamline this a little with a small edit to avoid the 'was' repetition - to something like -
She went through her day, unaware of he'd in store for her...
A women who is not married, is a women who is in misery - woman in both instances here.
Your opening paragraphs are a little repetitive and move back on themselves. You could cover all of it in a couple of lines of so.
now make his mover to free her - move.
Your tense also fluctuates during the opening paragraphs between past and present.
"No, I do not remember!" He shouted - if this is following speech tag, it should be lower case he. If it's proceeding for the following dialogue then you need a comma after shouted.
Turning her back over, lifting her skirt, and removing her panties - there is no subject in this sentence. It should probably be he lifts her skirt... removes...
He proceeded to fulfill his sexual desires on her, and when he was satisfied - you switch into past tense for a while here from predominantly present tense beforehand.
to report his mothers murder - mother's.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Hi there,
This started well with a good hook to the piece right from the first line, asking the reader to ponder the question of who he was and why was he doing this.
few things I noticed as I read through-
She went through her day, and was unaware of what was in store for her, while he learned her routine - you could streamline this a little with a small edit to avoid the 'was' repetition - to something like -
She went through her day, unaware of he'd in store for her...
A women who is not married, is a women who is in misery - woman in both instances here.
Your opening paragraphs are a little repetitive and move back on themselves. You could cover all of it in a couple of lines of so.
now make his mover to free her - move.
Your tense also fluctuates during the opening paragraphs between past and present.
"No, I do not remember!" He shouted - if this is following speech tag, it should be lower case he. If it's proceeding for the following dialogue then you need a comma after shouted.
Turning her back over, lifting her skirt, and removing her panties - there is no subject in this sentence. It should probably be he lifts her skirt... removes...
He proceeded to fulfill his sexual desires on her, and when he was satisfied - you switch into past tense for a while here from predominantly present tense beforehand.
to report his mothers murder - mother's.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much this is what I have been looking for in feedback. I will make the changes thank you so much
