Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Blue-blooded bastards"Historical fiction
2 total reviews
Comment from sandy montgomery
It might help reviewers if you included a cast of characters in your authors notes. This helps us keep your story a little clearer. I've seen many authors include such a list.
This chapter moved a little slower. I can see you are setting up your story...introducing characters...etc.
"E xact details are shrouded in the mists of time. " you have an extra space between E and x. Lots of dialogue is good but I suggest breaking it up a little by adding details here and there. Perhaps the scent of the tabacco. The smell of the stable. The sounds of the estate. Just some suggestions.
Your story has good bones so far. Thank you for sharing your work.
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It might help reviewers if you included a cast of characters in your authors notes. This helps us keep your story a little clearer. I've seen many authors include such a list.
This chapter moved a little slower. I can see you are setting up your story...introducing characters...etc.
"E xact details are shrouded in the mists of time. " you have an extra space between E and x. Lots of dialogue is good but I suggest breaking it up a little by adding details here and there. Perhaps the scent of the tabacco. The smell of the stable. The sounds of the estate. Just some suggestions.
Your story has good bones so far. Thank you for sharing your work.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
Comment from Janilou
An excellent chapter. Although this is chapter 9 your vivid descriptions drew me right in.
Notes:
Squire Alfred's ruddy complexion glowed in the chilly March sun. He seemed preoccupied.
'Oh...yes..yes indeed ,' Squire Alfred muttered.
Just a suggestion here. We know Squire Alfred is talking so you probably don't need the speech tag at the end with his name. Perhaps just 'he muttered.'
around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law , be damned.'
Remove space between the word law and the comma.
around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law, be damned.'
Actually I don't believe you need rhe comma at all there.
Also in this section of speech, as it's the same person speaking -- when you start a new paragraph, use quotation marks at the start of each mew paragraph and closing quotation marks just at the end.
'It's a vexed question, nevertheless,' Lord Everly continued. (')Our son, Viscount William, resides presently at his wife's estate, due to the absence of a male heir there. Being an only child she will, probably, ultimately inherit. William has, you might say, fallen on his feet.
(')Can be awkward at times, especially when he has duties to attend at Worthampt.
(')But on the other hand, who knows who may emerge out of the shadows? The law on succession may still throw up some difficulty around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law , be damned.'
Hope that is helpful. :-)
Jan
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An excellent chapter. Although this is chapter 9 your vivid descriptions drew me right in.
Notes:
Squire Alfred's ruddy complexion glowed in the chilly March sun. He seemed preoccupied.
'Oh...yes..yes indeed ,' Squire Alfred muttered.
Just a suggestion here. We know Squire Alfred is talking so you probably don't need the speech tag at the end with his name. Perhaps just 'he muttered.'
around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law , be damned.'
Remove space between the word law and the comma.
around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law, be damned.'
Actually I don't believe you need rhe comma at all there.
Also in this section of speech, as it's the same person speaking -- when you start a new paragraph, use quotation marks at the start of each mew paragraph and closing quotation marks just at the end.
'It's a vexed question, nevertheless,' Lord Everly continued. (')Our son, Viscount William, resides presently at his wife's estate, due to the absence of a male heir there. Being an only child she will, probably, ultimately inherit. William has, you might say, fallen on his feet.
(')Can be awkward at times, especially when he has duties to attend at Worthampt.
(')But on the other hand, who knows who may emerge out of the shadows? The law on succession may still throw up some difficulty around inheritance by a female heir. Bloody English inheritance law , be damned.'
Hope that is helpful. :-)
Jan
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
