Out of Wedlock
A Quatern71 total reviews
Comment from rjuselius
Lol. This is an entertaining piece of poetry dear Tony! I'm not sure if you meant it be funny but that's how I read it. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Thanks for sharing!
Blessings and a big squeeze!
Rebekka x
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Lol. This is an entertaining piece of poetry dear Tony! I'm not sure if you meant it be funny but that's how I read it. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Thanks for sharing!
Blessings and a big squeeze!
Rebekka x
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your review, Rebekka. Appreciated! I was going to list this as humour, but it is a situation that is sufficiently prevalent these days that I thought it might cause offence. Wiser, I thought, to let readers place their own interpretation on it! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from damommy
This certainly doesn't apply to wedlock these days, does it?
A lovely poem that flows so smoothly, it almost read itself. lol. I like the refrain falling in different places. A really great poem. 8-)
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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This certainly doesn't apply to wedlock these days, does it?
A lovely poem that flows so smoothly, it almost read itself. lol. I like the refrain falling in different places. A really great poem. 8-)
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your review and comments on the form, Yvonne. Appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from kiwisteveh
Bit of a joke now, isn't it 'out of wedlock'. hardly anybody is IN wedlock, it seems, or if they are it's not for very long. Noneof this 'Till death do us part' nonsense!
Which doesn't diminish the quality of your quatern one bit. I like that you have varied the refrain line - that's part of the skill of poems like this and the pantoum - that the words are the same (or almost) but they pick up different shades of meaning.
I also like the use of the image of the extended arm to symbolise the descent into darkness for the poor abandoned lass - echoes of the end of one of my poems:
Isabella's belly's bigger,
baby's almost due.
Little fella has no father,
Isabella's blue.
Steve
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Bit of a joke now, isn't it 'out of wedlock'. hardly anybody is IN wedlock, it seems, or if they are it's not for very long. Noneof this 'Till death do us part' nonsense!
Which doesn't diminish the quality of your quatern one bit. I like that you have varied the refrain line - that's part of the skill of poems like this and the pantoum - that the words are the same (or almost) but they pick up different shades of meaning.
I also like the use of the image of the extended arm to symbolise the descent into darkness for the poor abandoned lass - echoes of the end of one of my poems:
Isabella's belly's bigger,
baby's almost due.
Little fella has no father,
Isabella's blue.
Steve
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your review, Steve. Appreciated! You're right! Norms have shifted quite a bit! A sad state of affairs. Jim suggested to me that perhaps she was holding up the wrong finger to the guy!
I enjoyed your jingle - reminded me of Cinderella dressed in yella!
Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Heather Knight
What a lovely poem! It has a certain olde worlde air about it that matches the form and subject matter perfectly.
I love the repeating line as it creates a very nice rhythm.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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What a lovely poem! It has a certain olde worlde air about it that matches the form and subject matter perfectly.
I love the repeating line as it creates a very nice rhythm.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your review and comments on the form, Maria. Appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from RGstar
You used the form well, my friend for the repeating line acted as an anchor of focus so enhancing the write itself. The repeating lin e, though modified, need not poetic licence, though the form may be otherwise for this is why we write to bring in new, why there are forms in the first place...so many adoptions to the sonnet, it is hard to define when one is in its true form.
Nicely done.
I rate this six stars, especially for the strong ending which breaks away from the main body, yet keeps the subject matter in tact. A strong ending which gives information, or even a hint of, reasoning behind that which is said.
Bravo.
Have a great day.
RG
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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You used the form well, my friend for the repeating line acted as an anchor of focus so enhancing the write itself. The repeating lin e, though modified, need not poetic licence, though the form may be otherwise for this is why we write to bring in new, why there are forms in the first place...so many adoptions to the sonnet, it is hard to define when one is in its true form.
Nicely done.
I rate this six stars, especially for the strong ending which breaks away from the main body, yet keeps the subject matter in tact. A strong ending which gives information, or even a hint of, reasoning behind that which is said.
Bravo.
Have a great day.
RG
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your detailed and perceptive review, RG. Much appreciated, as is the award of a sixth star. Thank you!!
Hoping you have a great day, too. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Aussie
Second stanza: Her fingers, to (too) interesting take on being wed. These days, wedded bliss ain't the same as it was. It was a respectful event and the happy couple stayed married. Today, it's a free for all! We are now voting for same-sex marriage. I won't comment on this fiasco. XXK.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Second stanza: Her fingers, to (too) interesting take on being wed. These days, wedded bliss ain't the same as it was. It was a respectful event and the happy couple stayed married. Today, it's a free for all! We are now voting for same-sex marriage. I won't comment on this fiasco. XXK.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your kind review and six stars, Kay. Much appreciated! You are right. Norms have shifted these days, and not for the better. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Good morning Fawcus:
What a moving poem. it has touched my heart and I felt for her reaching, her hoping. I also feel that the repeating line made it amazing. You are a GREAT Poet. Your poetry is always so remarkable.
What a dilemma you have described here and so well. I love it! Also, thank you for the lesson in the Quatern poem.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Good morning Fawcus:
What a moving poem. it has touched my heart and I felt for her reaching, her hoping. I also feel that the repeating line made it amazing. You are a GREAT Poet. Your poetry is always so remarkable.
What a dilemma you have described here and so well. I love it! Also, thank you for the lesson in the Quatern poem.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your very kind words and award of a sixth star, Tier. Much appreciated, as always! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from rama devi
Masterfully crafted. Flawless meter. Inventive rhymes. fantastic phonetics.
AMAZING STANZA:
The sun's last rays illuminate
her arm... outstretched. Her fingers, to
sweet wantonness must bid adieu,
and weakly wave, accepting fate.
The alliteration of S, F, A & W, consonance of L, M, W and assonance of EE and A-- and the rhymes--and the enjambment...simply outstanding.
A few suggestions:
*
The one, once loved, is bound for hell,(;)
*
The days grow dark(,) and hopes are few.
Exclelnt closing note on the repeated phrase:
Her arm's outstretched... her finger, too.
Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Masterfully crafted. Flawless meter. Inventive rhymes. fantastic phonetics.
AMAZING STANZA:
The sun's last rays illuminate
her arm... outstretched. Her fingers, to
sweet wantonness must bid adieu,
and weakly wave, accepting fate.
The alliteration of S, F, A & W, consonance of L, M, W and assonance of EE and A-- and the rhymes--and the enjambment...simply outstanding.
A few suggestions:
*
The one, once loved, is bound for hell,(;)
*
The days grow dark(,) and hopes are few.
Exclelnt closing note on the repeated phrase:
Her arm's outstretched... her finger, too.
Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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As always, a review that probes to the heart of the poem. Your two punctuation suggestions both sit well with me and I have made the changes. Thank you! In particular, I like the extra pause provided by the addition of a comma in "The days grow dark(,) and hopes are few."
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Thanks, my friend. So glad you enjoyed my review and liked the suggestions.
Reminder: a comma should be used before coordinating conjunctions (AND, BUT) if the second clause if independent (has its own subject).
Warmly, rd
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:)))
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:-))
Comment from DR DIP
Tony. your writes continue to amaze me no matter what style or form you adopt
This is a great write. perfect accompanying photo. I like the repeat line:
Her arm's outstretched, her fingers, too, thanks for sharing another great write
Love the last line extending one finger being her wedding ring finger.
thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Tony. your writes continue to amaze me no matter what style or form you adopt
This is a great write. perfect accompanying photo. I like the repeat line:
Her arm's outstretched, her fingers, too, thanks for sharing another great write
Love the last line extending one finger being her wedding ring finger.
thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your very kind words, Dip. Appreciated! I did have one reviewer suggesting that perhaps she was holding out the wrong finger to the rogue! LOL
Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Lucian Carter
I am a bastard. I take no offense from your proper use of the term :)
I also take no offense at your poetic license. It changes the tone of the entire piece to make it more fun and memorable. I'll be honest I was a little under-impressed by the piece until I reached that line. Looking back, it's a much better crafted piece than it first seems. You surprised me. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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I am a bastard. I take no offense from your proper use of the term :)
I also take no offense at your poetic license. It changes the tone of the entire piece to make it more fun and memorable. I'll be honest I was a little under-impressed by the piece until I reached that line. Looking back, it's a much better crafted piece than it first seems. You surprised me. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Many thanks for your review, Lucian. I'm glad that the poem grew on you as you reached the end! Most affirming. Best wishes, Tony
