Broken-Hearted Bar Boy Blues
free verse57 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
This poem is strongly moving and made me want to cry sometimes, even though I'm not sure why. It is well-written, for sure, but beyond that, it is deeply expressive and seems to contain all the elements a good poem should have. I was a tiny bit confused by the changing colors, not sure if that was meant to show different voices speaking, but I wished it were all in one color or that I understood the reason, at least, for the changes. Your writing is excellent. I guess it is just the presentation I'm questioning. Nevertheless, it is a truly emotional and highly evocative poem and I enjoyed it twice. My favorite lines were about the clashing ice cubes. That is so creative and visual. MM
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
  |
This poem is strongly moving and made me want to cry sometimes, even though I'm not sure why. It is well-written, for sure, but beyond that, it is deeply expressive and seems to contain all the elements a good poem should have. I was a tiny bit confused by the changing colors, not sure if that was meant to show different voices speaking, but I wished it were all in one color or that I understood the reason, at least, for the changes. Your writing is excellent. I guess it is just the presentation I'm questioning. Nevertheless, it is a truly emotional and highly evocative poem and I enjoyed it twice. My favorite lines were about the clashing ice cubes. That is so creative and visual. MM
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Hi, MM
Wonderful words and I'm pleased you enjoyed this. I'll consider what you have to say about the colours etc. Sometimes I do things that have meaning to me, but they don't seem to come across to anyone else. LOL That may be the case here. I'll think about changing that. Ahh, glad you liked the ice cubes line, I did too. :)) Thanks so much, mike
Comment from dragonpoet
This sounds like two people drowning their sorrows after a painful breakup. It seems they think they are taking revenge on the ones that left by having what probably will be a one night stand. The alcohol is letting them make the wrong choice.
I had to read it through twice and am not sure if this is what you are saying.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
 |
This sounds like two people drowning their sorrows after a painful breakup. It seems they think they are taking revenge on the ones that left by having what probably will be a one night stand. The alcohol is letting them make the wrong choice.
I had to read it through twice and am not sure if this is what you are saying.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
YES. you have it exactly right. Except, they both decide they aren't really ready to do so and go home alone. I noticed you gave me a four, did you have any suggestions for improvement? In any case, thanks as always for an insightful review, mike
-
You're welcome, Mike.
Joan
Comment from Stacia Ann
Right off I love the title and visual, which hint at the content. The alliteration of the title is excellent.
Really love how this works thematically! It rings so true, the reason we go into bars, to revenge ourselves on our real love in the arms of someone else lol. It is very telling that both parties are still thinking about their past lovers.
I love the metaphors, such as the dance floor as a deserted beach, given the sense of desolation of this bar.
Sorry, on break at work, so could not listen to the music without disturbing others, but overall very strong work.
The only constructive criticism I have to offer is possibly to rethink the spacing/print color/format--I don't quite get the indenting. The blue font is hard to read against the black background, and some readers might be bothered by the red font. I do think the black background goes well with the setting of a bar at night.
Thanks for sharing this!
Stacia
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
Right off I love the title and visual, which hint at the content. The alliteration of the title is excellent.
Really love how this works thematically! It rings so true, the reason we go into bars, to revenge ourselves on our real love in the arms of someone else lol. It is very telling that both parties are still thinking about their past lovers.
I love the metaphors, such as the dance floor as a deserted beach, given the sense of desolation of this bar.
Sorry, on break at work, so could not listen to the music without disturbing others, but overall very strong work.
The only constructive criticism I have to offer is possibly to rethink the spacing/print color/format--I don't quite get the indenting. The blue font is hard to read against the black background, and some readers might be bothered by the red font. I do think the black background goes well with the setting of a bar at night.
Thanks for sharing this!
Stacia
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Hi Stacia
Nice to hear from you. I'm so pleased you enjoyed AND understood completely. I'll take to heart your suggestions about format and colour. Sometimes it all means something to me, but doesn't come across to anyone else. If that's so, I should simplify. The words mean more than trying to be clever with the presentation. Thanks for pointing that out. mike
Comment from bertranclan
I enjoyed your free verse poem contest entry. I especially liked the metaphor of the bar stool as a precarious throne. You have some great imagery! Keep it up!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
I enjoyed your free verse poem contest entry. I especially liked the metaphor of the bar stool as a precarious throne. You have some great imagery! Keep it up!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Ahh ... thanks for the great compliments. So pleased you enjoyed. mike
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Mikey: oh wow! Party boy blues at the bar...I have a stunning lady for you
in Minnesota.... no, not me, a friend.
I just finished Wordsworth poetry study at Lancaster University though future learn on-line course for free. They have a poetry is medicine for mental health. Try it out with your patients...read them a poem or two.
Anyway, Mikey, I have not fallen off the cliff or flew away, just studying words. Yes, four courses done and three left.
As for you, dream boy, sing a tune of love. Send it to the Heavens and God will grab it and give you the desires of your heart....I still know a lady in Minnesota. I paint - watercolors with Beth.
I like your winged horse, the bar stool fit for a king, (I sit on the porceline throne and write at night), her hair darker than night and emerald eyes and keep your dreams.
I woke up and prayed last night - didn't know why - until this am - Las Vegas.
Be safe and love lots. flylikeaneagle - nancy
*******************************************************************
(Wordsworth - William and Dorothy - would have loved your free verse too!)))))
more stars *********************************Dream on, Mikey! ****************
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
 |
Mikey: oh wow! Party boy blues at the bar...I have a stunning lady for you
in Minnesota.... no, not me, a friend.
I just finished Wordsworth poetry study at Lancaster University though future learn on-line course for free. They have a poetry is medicine for mental health. Try it out with your patients...read them a poem or two.
Anyway, Mikey, I have not fallen off the cliff or flew away, just studying words. Yes, four courses done and three left.
As for you, dream boy, sing a tune of love. Send it to the Heavens and God will grab it and give you the desires of your heart....I still know a lady in Minnesota. I paint - watercolors with Beth.
I like your winged horse, the bar stool fit for a king, (I sit on the porceline throne and write at night), her hair darker than night and emerald eyes and keep your dreams.
I woke up and prayed last night - didn't know why - until this am - Las Vegas.
Be safe and love lots. flylikeaneagle - nancy
*******************************************************************
(Wordsworth - William and Dorothy - would have loved your free verse too!)))))
more stars *********************************Dream on, Mikey! ****************
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Wow. I couldn't ask for much more in a review. Wonderful praise, comparisons to Wordsworth AND a gorgeous gal to fly to Minnesota for. LOL
Wonderful to hear from you as always, Nancy. You make me smile regardless of ANYTHING. :)) mike
-
Mikey, Beth wanted you to know that she has written four books. She is a doctor in brains, helping people with problems of youth and a teacher of English. Beth prefers special needs.
Yes, Mikey, I think you would lovvvvvvvvvvveee to meet her. She is looking at "happy" in her life.
We do watercolors together. Beth is family.
I have taken four university classes. Check out the daffodils with Wordsworth. Dorothy saw the flowers by the stream first. William rewrote and added the moonlight and sunlight visions. In 1802, his words remain -- I wandered lonely a cloud 1804 - When all at once I saw a crowd - a host of dancing daffodils along the lake - beneath the trees - 10,000 dancing in the breeze - the waves besides them danced - they outdid the sparkling waves in glee....
Enjoy and live your life to the fullest in Jesus Name! flylikeaneagle - nancy
Thanks for being my penpal, Mikey!
Comment from Fridayauthor
You placed the reader in the scene so perfectly it was amazing. Even the choice of color changes was beautifully done. This was a pleasure to read from start to finish.
Excellent posting!
Thank you.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
You placed the reader in the scene so perfectly it was amazing. Even the choice of color changes was beautifully done. This was a pleasure to read from start to finish.
Excellent posting!
Thank you.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Wow. What can I say? Wonderful words to hear. I'm smiling and delighted. Thanks a million. mike
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Michael. When I saw this I was impressed by the visual story as well as the written story. I thought to myself, heck this looks like something I would present and write. I loved it. Good job my friend. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
Hi Michael. When I saw this I was impressed by the visual story as well as the written story. I thought to myself, heck this looks like something I would present and write. I loved it. Good job my friend. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Ahh ... we should collaborate then. LOL So pleased you enjoyed. Always happy when something I write totally in my style comes across okay. Thanks a million. mike
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Hi Michael
This is the sort of writing I love, no inhibitions, restrictions, rules or regs just good old free flowing creativity, this was an absolute readers joy, a metaphoric blissful journey, and what a cracking subject, thoughts and dreams gathered in this dive of a bar.
Graphically superb, a tumbling waterfall of unbelievable words.
Loved it.
Mitchell
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
|
Hi Michael
This is the sort of writing I love, no inhibitions, restrictions, rules or regs just good old free flowing creativity, this was an absolute readers joy, a metaphoric blissful journey, and what a cracking subject, thoughts and dreams gathered in this dive of a bar.
Graphically superb, a tumbling waterfall of unbelievable words.
Loved it.
Mitchell
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2017
-
Hey, Mitchell
Wow. I can't ask for any more praise than this. It's especially appreciated since this is how I write normally when I'm not trying to write something to please or trying some FORM of some kind. Thanks a million. mike
Comment from Gloria ....
This is a gorgeous free verse, Mav. Written with the layered images that are signature you. Starting right off with a dive, of course that could be a seedy bar and also a dive into the blues, which you immediately solidified in our minds with the plunge.
Then back to the wonderful outdoors and allusion to tumultuous weather, and hopes dashed amid the pulsating throng.
So romantic and bittersweet at the same time. There is always that duality in life, yes? You write about it oh so well. Dreams are good.
Top notch poem so you win this contest, ya hear?
Ange
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
|
This is a gorgeous free verse, Mav. Written with the layered images that are signature you. Starting right off with a dive, of course that could be a seedy bar and also a dive into the blues, which you immediately solidified in our minds with the plunge.
Then back to the wonderful outdoors and allusion to tumultuous weather, and hopes dashed amid the pulsating throng.
So romantic and bittersweet at the same time. There is always that duality in life, yes? You write about it oh so well. Dreams are good.
Top notch poem so you win this contest, ya hear?
Ange
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
-
Generous to a fault as always, Ange. I'm not complaining of course. This is how I write when I don't care if anyone gets it or likes it. LOL I LIKE IT. I'm pleased you enjoyed aspects of it. Yes, that is what I was aiming at. Dreams are good when they are attainable, a curse when they are not. Ahh ... poem. :)) Thanks for the well wishes. I'll take that as my win.
Mav
Comment from Mustang Patty
Oh Michael;
such a sad poem. Leaving before closing time to go home and write a poem? Now, that's just crazy talk!!
(Of course, I haven't been in a bar in about ten years. Do all my drinking at home.)
Wonderfully presented, and full of emotion. Great design, and wonderful turn of phrase,
~patty~
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
|
Oh Michael;
such a sad poem. Leaving before closing time to go home and write a poem? Now, that's just crazy talk!!
(Of course, I haven't been in a bar in about ten years. Do all my drinking at home.)
Wonderfully presented, and full of emotion. Great design, and wonderful turn of phrase,
~patty~
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
-
Home is where to drink, especially if you have someone to drink with. I guess a wiser choice if you don't as well. Yep, I knew it was crazy when I left knowing I was really leaving to write a poem. Jeesh. Thanks so much, mike
