The Day is You
20 syllable optional form poem8 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Fayesh
I think I know what you're trying to accomplish, but I had a difficult time understanding your poem. For example, what makes a dawn "special"? But I do like the order of your first two lines; they sound like a recipe. If there was a different word to describe the "dawn", I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think the soft rain could make the dawn special.
Perhaps,
Take a demure dawn
mix it with soft rain .........and the result is a special sunrise.
The next thing I find hard to understand is "alive",
"The heart awakens alive"
I've given it some thought, but can't suggest anything. I'd like to suggest something like "the heart bursts.........", but I don't know how to finish it off.
Anyway, you have nailed the count... 20 syllables.
Good Luck in the contest! Hope some of this helps.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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Hi Fayesh
I think I know what you're trying to accomplish, but I had a difficult time understanding your poem. For example, what makes a dawn "special"? But I do like the order of your first two lines; they sound like a recipe. If there was a different word to describe the "dawn", I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think the soft rain could make the dawn special.
Perhaps,
Take a demure dawn
mix it with soft rain .........and the result is a special sunrise.
The next thing I find hard to understand is "alive",
"The heart awakens alive"
I've given it some thought, but can't suggest anything. I'd like to suggest something like "the heart bursts.........", but I don't know how to finish it off.
Anyway, you have nailed the count... 20 syllables.
Good Luck in the contest! Hope some of this helps.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 29-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem.
Comment from Lucian Carter
Heart-warming and uplifting. Twenty well chosen syllables that come together to make a thing of beauty. I used to sleep til at least noon. Now I'm up early. The morning does have a special wonder to it when one can relax and enjoy it. Your poem captures that feeling wonderfully.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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Heart-warming and uplifting. Twenty well chosen syllables that come together to make a thing of beauty. I used to sleep til at least noon. Now I'm up early. The morning does have a special wonder to it when one can relax and enjoy it. Your poem captures that feeling wonderfully.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from Irish Rain
Wow, what a gorgeous picture. Brings your poem to life, and I so agree with your well thought out wording. This is a great entry!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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Wow, what a gorgeous picture. Brings your poem to life, and I so agree with your well thought out wording. This is a great entry!! Blessings...
Comment Written 28-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from His Grayness
Really excellent in all ways and well deserving the sixth star I don't have. I really enjoyed this work and found it to be really original and outstanding. I cannot suggest a thing to make it any better but shall become a new fan of this fine author as I'm eager to read more! HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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Really excellent in all ways and well deserving the sixth star I don't have. I really enjoyed this work and found it to be really original and outstanding. I cannot suggest a thing to make it any better but shall become a new fan of this fine author as I'm eager to read more! HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 28-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very beautiful short poem you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and the art work you chose went well with the words. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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This is a very beautiful short poem you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and the art work you chose went well with the words. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 28-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem. When a new day starts, we feel fresh and energized to tackle the day with good intentions. When we can keep our attitude right the day will go well and end in good time.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
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A very well-written poem. When a new day starts, we feel fresh and energized to tackle the day with good intentions. When we can keep our attitude right the day will go well and end in good time.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from Heidixoxo
Hello Poet,
I have to admit that your choice of artwork caught my attention right away. Great pick!! Many struggle with this particular style of poetry but you got it right and did it so wonderfully. I am sure this will do excellent in the upcoming contest, good luck to you.
Heidixoxo
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
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Hello Poet,
I have to admit that your choice of artwork caught my attention right away. Great pick!! Many struggle with this particular style of poetry but you got it right and did it so wonderfully. I am sure this will do excellent in the upcoming contest, good luck to you.
Heidixoxo
Comment Written 27-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem.
Comment from Curly Girly
This cheerful, beautiful verse deserves a sunnier image, rather than this grey one. Just my thoughts.
Take a special dawn
mix it with soft rain
The heart awakens alive
with sunrise
Sunshine!...
is bright yellow.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
|
This cheerful, beautiful verse deserves a sunnier image, rather than this grey one. Just my thoughts.
Take a special dawn
mix it with soft rain
The heart awakens alive
with sunrise
Sunshine!...
is bright yellow.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my 20 syllable poem.
