The Eidolon
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 - Part 3: Visitation"Family heinously murdered. The question is by who?
11 total reviews
Comment from teols2016
Another strong installment. No too graphic, so I don't think readers of this genre will be turned off. A couple things:
"that's the best part of everything I did to my family": I think you can end this sentence at "everything".
Also, how did Drew know the detective's first name? It was never mentioned here or in previous installments.
Otherwise, well done.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2017
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Another strong installment. No too graphic, so I don't think readers of this genre will be turned off. A couple things:
"that's the best part of everything I did to my family": I think you can end this sentence at "everything".
Also, how did Drew know the detective's first name? It was never mentioned here or in previous installments.
Otherwise, well done.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2017
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Thanks.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Yes, Brett, this was a very sickening and disgusting chapter. What is it about this kind of story that makes you want to write it? Maybe this would make an interesting book - the story of a Writer who figures out that he loves to write about murders and really gross crimes. Something happened to him and this took his mind to that dark place that he goes to to write his stories. Something possess his mind, takes it over. Where does his mind go? Is there a demonic possession, an evil within?
Anyway I hope this kid reaps what he sowed. He murdered his family so the state should give him the death penalty. They shouldn't care about why but I guess they would want to know why he killed his family. What caused him to go there and to kill them in the ways that he did, the anger, the evil?
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2017
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Yes, Brett, this was a very sickening and disgusting chapter. What is it about this kind of story that makes you want to write it? Maybe this would make an interesting book - the story of a Writer who figures out that he loves to write about murders and really gross crimes. Something happened to him and this took his mind to that dark place that he goes to to write his stories. Something possess his mind, takes it over. Where does his mind go? Is there a demonic possession, an evil within?
Anyway I hope this kid reaps what he sowed. He murdered his family so the state should give him the death penalty. They shouldn't care about why but I guess they would want to know why he killed his family. What caused him to go there and to kill them in the ways that he did, the anger, the evil?
Comment Written 23-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2017
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Why do I want to write about gruesome murders? Because I can.
Appreciate you reading my work and taking the time to pen a review.
Also appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Rasmine
I couldn't read all of this. The violent parts I scanned. What happened to the other story? Did you finish it when I was away? :P I feel I will never catch up.
Take care,
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
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I couldn't read all of this. The violent parts I scanned. What happened to the other story? Did you finish it when I was away? :P I feel I will never catch up.
Take care,
Comment Written 18-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
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Appreciate you taking the time to read this and to write a review.
Cody takes breaks once in a while. He will be back again.
Comment from Possummagic
Great story Brett, you keep the attention all the way through and leave us all wanting more at the end. Well structured, it flows nicely, not forced or anything. I enjoyed it. PM
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
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Great story Brett, you keep the attention all the way through and leave us all wanting more at the end. Well structured, it flows nicely, not forced or anything. I enjoyed it. PM
Comment Written 18-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
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You're welcome. PM
Comment from Spitfire
I'm interested in finding out if this boy is more than just a sociopath who can't be helped. Good cliff hangar: what does the detective know?
I'm thinking the kid might have multiple personalities. He's certainly into overkill.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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I'm interested in finding out if this boy is more than just a sociopath who can't be helped. Good cliff hangar: what does the detective know?
I'm thinking the kid might have multiple personalities. He's certainly into overkill.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from country ranch writer
Boy has mor than one personality seems to me they way he is acting like a puppet on a string. Trying to shock him at times and act like a frightened child the next it is not the morn for a regular human straights.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Boy has mor than one personality seems to me they way he is acting like a puppet on a string. Trying to shock him at times and act like a frightened child the next it is not the morn for a regular human straights.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Sankey
Great chapter. This boy sounds very complex. I look forward to where this is all going. No spags I wondered about the word waned as in eased off, reduced or something. I think it needed an "i" eg (wained)
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Great chapter. This boy sounds very complex. I look forward to where this is all going. No spags I wondered about the word waned as in eased off, reduced or something. I think it needed an "i" eg (wained)
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
OH wow it sounds like a Syible syndrome.Very well written and no problems noted. I love the interaction leaving us to wonder the underlying reason
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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OH wow it sounds like a Syible syndrome.Very well written and no problems noted. I love the interaction leaving us to wonder the underlying reason
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Syible syndrome was a new word for me. I actually had to goggle it to know what it meant.
As always, appreciate you taking the time to read this portion of Chapter One and to write a review.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written chapter. It is very sad that a child can built up so much hatred that he can do such horrible things to his family. I agree with your little tie bit on how to build a better boy. My father always said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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A very well-written chapter. It is very sad that a child can built up so much hatred that he can do such horrible things to his family. I agree with your little tie bit on how to build a better boy. My father always said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Janilou
What a chilling, gruesome chapter and so well written. The twist at the end left me wanting to read more.
I noticed that in quite a few sentences you divide the speech without using periods. Like this one:
"Oh, I planned them a long time ago," he apathetically assured the Detective, "I planned them a very long time ago!"
If this were mine, I would change it to:
"Oh, I planned them a long time ago," he apathetically assured the Detective. "I planned them a very long time ago."
I removed the exclamation mark also because the impression of the apathetic boy made it seem unlikely he would put enough emphasis into that sentence to warrant one.
I think the commas work in some of the other areas but not in this one.
Hope that helps. An excellent thriller and I look forward to reading more.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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What a chilling, gruesome chapter and so well written. The twist at the end left me wanting to read more.
I noticed that in quite a few sentences you divide the speech without using periods. Like this one:
"Oh, I planned them a long time ago," he apathetically assured the Detective, "I planned them a very long time ago!"
If this were mine, I would change it to:
"Oh, I planned them a long time ago," he apathetically assured the Detective. "I planned them a very long time ago."
I removed the exclamation mark also because the impression of the apathetic boy made it seem unlikely he would put enough emphasis into that sentence to warrant one.
I think the commas work in some of the other areas but not in this one.
Hope that helps. An excellent thriller and I look forward to reading more.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Also appreciate the catch.
