Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Aftermath"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
9 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
You are amazing at writing. So talented. You make me care about your characters, you make me watch it happening, you make me want to read more. It would really have hurt to be in Madeline's place. One of your daughter's being in prison, while your other doesn't want you to see her, and your husband doesn't want to see you again and is forcing you to leave. Well done!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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You are amazing at writing. So talented. You make me care about your characters, you make me watch it happening, you make me want to read more. It would really have hurt to be in Madeline's place. One of your daughter's being in prison, while your other doesn't want you to see her, and your husband doesn't want to see you again and is forcing you to leave. Well done!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review and all of your encouraging words. I am so glad you are getting into the story, relating to the characters. Madeline did go through a lot of trying times, but she's a tough cookie, a true fighter comes out on top in the end.
Thank you again for such wonderful words, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Why would she go off her meds knowing what that would do to her? And she did know. Did they affect her somehow? Make her sick? Or what? She may be excused for beating her sister, but not for going off her meds and risking such things happening.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Why would she go off her meds knowing what that would do to her? And she did know. Did they affect her somehow? Make her sick? Or what? She may be excused for beating her sister, but not for going off her meds and risking such things happening.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. A lot of people with this disease go off their meds because they don't like the side effects, thinking self-medicating is better. Sometimes they have this delusion they don't need them anymore. Katen had a little of both.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and all your support, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
Hearing shuffling behind them, they turn to see who it is.
*** who it was. "Is" is a change in tense.
"I was trying to Allen but the hot-shot mouthpiece shows up and
*** Comma before and after "Allen".
Damn, that kid is a real bitch. As bad as her father.
Charlie
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Hearing shuffling behind them, they turn to see who it is.
*** who it was. "Is" is a change in tense.
"I was trying to Allen but the hot-shot mouthpiece shows up and
*** Comma before and after "Allen".
Damn, that kid is a real bitch. As bad as her father.
Charlie
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thanks for your nice great review. Katelyn does have a temper, probably learned behavior. Although it caused her problems, it's also saved her a few times.
Thanks again for all of your reviews, your helpful suggestions and support they're always appreciated. Glad you're back.
Comment from apky
Brilliant writing here, Misty, apart from the commas, which can happen when when is not paying that much attention. So you have my last six of the week, my friend. I think compared to previous work, you have made huge improvements. You also show so much knowledge about the behavioral traits of someone like Katelyn, which shows me you did thorough research.
Have a fab weekend ahead.
Hugs,
Aki
"You did this to yourself, Mom(,) when you chose her over me."
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave(,) Ma'am."
"I think you started hitting Katie with your fists, she said something that really pissed you off (and) you grab(bed) a bat out of the closet and start(ed) hitting her with it."
"This is turning out to be a lot like my cousin(delete-,) Emma's case,"
"I was trying to(,) Allen, but the hot-shot mouth piece shows up and ruins my plan," Joe says.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Brilliant writing here, Misty, apart from the commas, which can happen when when is not paying that much attention. So you have my last six of the week, my friend. I think compared to previous work, you have made huge improvements. You also show so much knowledge about the behavioral traits of someone like Katelyn, which shows me you did thorough research.
Have a fab weekend ahead.
Hugs,
Aki
"You did this to yourself, Mom(,) when you chose her over me."
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave(,) Ma'am."
"I think you started hitting Katie with your fists, she said something that really pissed you off (and) you grab(bed) a bat out of the closet and start(ed) hitting her with it."
"This is turning out to be a lot like my cousin(delete-,) Emma's case,"
"I was trying to(,) Allen, but the hot-shot mouth piece shows up and ruins my plan," Joe says.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your fabulous review a six and your last at that, I'm very honored.
Thank you so much for your praise on my improvement. I've been contemplating about taking a scriptwriting course. Since my writing seems to lean in that direction, I wonder if maybe that's where my true talent lies. What do you think?
Thank you again for your terrific review it means so much to me. Take care.
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I think you should never give up writing prose ever! Your work is always original and so well researched. I still remember Larry and Julia - your seemed to know police prodecure better than Law & Order.
By all means try your hand at scripts. It's more variety to your writing and more of the learning process, so it is still valuable. Why not try out a couple and see how it works out? Still no reason to give up on novels, is my opinion.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, I don't really know what good those hospital stays have ever done for schizophrenia patients other than turn them into zombie act-a-likes. Of course, I hear the newer medications have better success stories. But you sure did a great job of making this reader feel your character's mixed emotions. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Well, I don't really know what good those hospital stays have ever done for schizophrenia patients other than turn them into zombie act-a-likes. Of course, I hear the newer medications have better success stories. But you sure did a great job of making this reader feel your character's mixed emotions. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review. I wasn't expecting a 6, wow, thank you so much.
The older psychotropics had horrid side effects for sure, the newer ones, are a little better. That's why so many self-medicate. Back in the day, they used to do lobotomies then wonder why they walk around acting the way they do.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Possummagic
I was intrigued from the beginning of this chapter as to what was going to happen... now I can't wait for the next instalment. Your story is realistic and flows nicely. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck. PM
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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I was intrigued from the beginning of this chapter as to what was going to happen... now I can't wait for the next instalment. Your story is realistic and flows nicely. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck. PM
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I am so glad you like it. The next chapter should be out in four days.
Thank you so much for all of your reviews and your support, they mean a lot to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A very emotionally charged chapter here. Good representation for Katelyn here thankfully. Madeline's in a tough position.
Madeline Jumps from the sudden noise - jumps.
Stan says in a tiff. personally I'd try to avoid phrases such as this and rather describe his mannerisms. it's more immersive for the reader.
He and its contents clank to the shiny white tiled floor. - maybe rephrase this, a body generally doesn't clank to the floor.
"I didn't use a bat, I used my fits, see." - fists.
"They still want to keep her overnight for observation. - need closing speech marks here.
When you look closer it was like no one was there - looked?
"I don't think she was trying to kill her, Joe. I really don't. I think she was just trying to shut her up like she said. - need closing speech marks here.
The DA asks, stepping up beside them. - the.
mouthpiece can be one word.
"I have a signed statement from her doctor. - need closing speech marks here.
Her chair clanks to the floor. - maybe try clatters here.
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Hi there,
A very emotionally charged chapter here. Good representation for Katelyn here thankfully. Madeline's in a tough position.
Madeline Jumps from the sudden noise - jumps.
Stan says in a tiff. personally I'd try to avoid phrases such as this and rather describe his mannerisms. it's more immersive for the reader.
He and its contents clank to the shiny white tiled floor. - maybe rephrase this, a body generally doesn't clank to the floor.
"I didn't use a bat, I used my fits, see." - fists.
"They still want to keep her overnight for observation. - need closing speech marks here.
When you look closer it was like no one was there - looked?
"I don't think she was trying to kill her, Joe. I really don't. I think she was just trying to shut her up like she said. - need closing speech marks here.
The DA asks, stepping up beside them. - the.
mouthpiece can be one word.
"I have a signed statement from her doctor. - need closing speech marks here.
Her chair clanks to the floor. - maybe try clatters here.
GMG
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I've changed everything you suggested. The sentences you said needs to be edited I changed to He tumbles to the shiny white tiled floor, the reciprocal contents clank beside him. Is that any better?
Thank you again for all your help and support it means a it to me. Take care.
Comment from bob cullen
Gee this tugs at the emotions. I sense there's a whole lot more to this story than we've read just here. You really have weaved a complex dilemma here. A reader doesn't know where to turn or who is telling the truth. There are so many ways this story can go.
As an author you've crafted this cleverly. I want to read more
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Gee this tugs at the emotions. I sense there's a whole lot more to this story than we've read just here. You really have weaved a complex dilemma here. A reader doesn't know where to turn or who is telling the truth. There are so many ways this story can go.
As an author you've crafted this cleverly. I want to read more
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review, and your encouraging words. I am so glad that you enjoyed the chapter.
Thank you again for reading my work, take care.
Comment from gene roush
There's a lot of good tension here.
To me, this has more of a script feel than a novel.
There are a few things to look at. Some are:
"Some mother you turned out to be. Mom was right about you, you are a poor excuse for a wife and a mother. (")
Stan's mom hated her from
This transition is unclear:
"Surely, you don't mean that Stan," she cries.
"Damn right I do, I want you both gone by morning."
"Daddy?"
This is confusing: Rachel, the sergeant, Joe's wife is standing off to the side, waiting for her cue.
This ends with a nice hook that will bring readers back.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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There's a lot of good tension here.
To me, this has more of a script feel than a novel.
There are a few things to look at. Some are:
"Some mother you turned out to be. Mom was right about you, you are a poor excuse for a wife and a mother. (")
Stan's mom hated her from
This transition is unclear:
"Surely, you don't mean that Stan," she cries.
"Damn right I do, I want you both gone by morning."
"Daddy?"
This is confusing: Rachel, the sergeant, Joe's wife is standing off to the side, waiting for her cue.
This ends with a nice hook that will bring readers back.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and all of your helpful suggestions. It's reviewers like you that help me learn, grow as a writer.
Thank you again for all of your help, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
